My Journal

Chapter 1  Truly Phenomenal

In the month of September of 2012, I was sitting across the dining table with two Mormon missionaries. I knew they were talking because their eyes looked at me when it was my turn to speak. Seemed my own thoughts were the loudest in the room. How did I get here spilling my secret feelings out to these two women I just barely met, when I am Catholic? It just hurt so badly and I had nowhere to turn. The ladies blond hair was long enough to touch the opened page of the ‘Book of Mormon’ we were reading when she asked, “Do you feel suicidal?”. My head shook no, but my stupid loud thoughts spoke to me. The word “YES” spurted out as I shamefully looked down to see my hands tremble. It was useless to retract because tears rolled up so heavily in my eyes that they dropped down on that same opened page. It seemed so easy to give in and let dying take over.

The pain I felt deep inside my chest was succumbing my every thought. The guilt and the extreme rage because my brother was dead which caused the desire to no longer live. I hated life and wanted to die as well. I agreed to what they call a “Blessing” ceremony that these two caring women (my secret saviors) recommended. Our next visit included a high Priest and two other Mormons. As I sat in my chair, the potent smell of oil was placed on top of my head. Three elder gentlemen made a kind of circle around me as I felt a coldness of their hands to mix in with whispers spoke during the service. They mentioned this custom was created and performed, as it was stated “To help find my way and my path through all distractions”. I am not sure if I was just so desperate or really felt something tingle for a second or two.

I sat up all night thinking about how I felt and asking myself if anything changed. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what I did for a couple days and got frustrated. Was I really expecting something to happen? Was this “tingle” going to continue, maybe? That’s crazy, right? But other strange things have happened to excite and scare me before. The greatest of them all took place at my brother’s death. The thought of that exact moment chiming in my head is actually one of the few things to put on my “Pro” side of living. So, yes, I guess I was expecting a miracle!

Not everyone that knows me, are aware of these experiences or paranormal things as some may classify. There are a handful of friends who know, but mostly I keep to myself. Have you ever shared an account just to see a sarcastic smirk on their face and know they didn’t believe a word? Right about now, you should be feeling a turn from suicidal reading to the “paranormal”. It’s a good thing I can’t see your face reading this, huh? Call me chicken, I guess… I would just rather not speak private experiences face to face. I am not immune to the typical criticism. Though I will recite them here for you. I have picked through my memories, my diaries and all my folded up pieces of notebook paper hidden in drawers to create this web page. In the middle of writing these and dealing with my horrendous anger / depression, I learned! I found answers to not only questions of the typical paranormal, but I found other answers too. I cured my depression and subsided, my anger.

Maybe, it’s in our “blood” / brain to have the privilege of seeing and knowing our possible continued existence. My hope is picking the right words and descriptions to place you in the “back seat” of the scenarios.

IRONY

  The year was 1980 and I was nine years old. I was living in Universal City, Texas at that time. This is one of my first negative thoughts of being a military brat. I was always being the new student and it gave me a sense of seclusion. I was lucky to have met a girl named Renee at that time She always just seemed to accept and share the feeling of being reserved. Even with being a teenager and dealing with life’s distractions that intimidated us in other directions, we still made it through elementary and middle school together. We would ride on our “Big Wheels” and sneaker roller skates all day long. We proudly showed our ability to maneuver the tiny metal wheels and rubber brake around a corner. The continued practice was a must for me at the very least. Around the corner from my street was a house to avoid at all costs! Being shy and quiet appeared to attract the attention of what is called “Bullying”. I was in the spotlight of a boy who lived around that block. I wish I could say he was the neighborhood bully  but seemed he only targeted me! Every time he saw me, he would provoke the loud shouts of extreme animosity. I was too skinny, wore ugly clothes and had buck teeth or whatever else came to his mind. Not remembering his name doesn’t hinder any impression with the memory of these events.

There we sat riding the same bus number 67 home from school. Knowing I was the first stop didn’t give me much time to look out the window. The engine barely started shifting and this angry boy got up to sit behind me. It definitely caught my attention because on a normal basis the school bus was a “safe zone”. Thump… thump! This thumping on my back seat made me spring forward. There was not any name calling or words at all! Just this thumping that went from behind my seat to move up the back of my head. I could hear everyone start to laugh because his response was to hit me harder and harder every time. Is it funny to see how much I can take? Is it funny to see someone hit another person? I ask because I don’t understand what makes others laugh at something like this. I tried real hard not to cry, “like a girl”. Well, being the scaredy cat that I was, had prevented me from turning around to face him. I just closed my eyes and let the fury build up inside.

I hate him! Why is it fair that a mean, spiteful boy gets to hit a girl, gets to hit me?

My heart began to pound as fast as the angry thoughts that came to my mind. I want to hit him too! As the bus approached the front of my house to let us off as usual, I could no longer stomach it. I’m gonna do it! I will hit him back this time. The bus made a complete stop and it appeared my rage helped me stand up out of my seat. Instead of following the other kids off the bus, I turned around to face him. Looking at his expression while my right arm lifted my backpack high enough to strike him square in the face! I did not hear any response because the pounding of my own feet dominated all noise. I ran as fast as I could off the bus! Leaping and landing in my front yard, I saw my door. Ignoring my legs to concentrate on my direction, I thought I was fast! Nope, I could feel myself being pulled backwards as I fell down to hit the grass. He must have ran off the bus too!

I remember him laying (straddling) over me like in the movie, A Christmas Story. I could see his fingers in the air bunched up to form a fist before it blocked the sun over my face. Maybe, it was not over my face, because I could feel my cheeks and eyes start to burn really hot. He was punching me over and over again. It all burned so bad, I just closed my eyes so I could not see the blows coming in. I didn’t know what to do… so I screamed and cried “like a girl.” Next thing I know, I hear my brother, Bobby.

Hey! Stop! What are you doing!

As he ran over to us and pushing the boy hard enough for me to stand up, I made a run for it! I headed to my front door again. I turned around before walking through the house and saw my six year old younger brother beating the crap out of this bigger boy! Even now, I have never felt so ashamed and proud at the same time. This day is the start of my brother’s immaculate bond we shared and its induction of strength.

As soon as my mom came home, she heard the whole story. I remember her looking at my face and the anger in her’s. She started shaking and mumbling to herself as she paced back and forth. Was she mad at me? I stood my ground and stormed off to my room. A couple hours passed and she came up to talk with me. She voiced,

Something bad is going to happen to him. Just wait… He will get what he deserves!

I was just so happy with her not being upset with me as her words went in one ear and out the other. A couple of days pass and they all was forgotten, so to speak. I was outside with my friend Renee is peddling and racing my brothers “big wheel”. It was free for the taking, as long as he was asleep. Just passed the bushes of the stop sign, I could see a lot of people standing around in the street to form a circle. I yelled at Renee to follow as we ran toward the crowd. Just before I got there, the fire trucks wailed passed me. The neighbors began to spread out so I could peer in between the individuals and try to make out what they were gawking at. The “boy” was lying face up in the middle of the street not moving. No one seemed to even lift him up, but they all just stood around and stared. From all the talk, I could understand he was apparently hit by a car which sped off. I was too nervous and excited to stick around to watch the ambulance pull out their stretcher.

I dashed home to tell my mom what I saw and what happened. I am not proud, but as the story came out my mouth, I was just enthusiastic! He was so very cruel to me and it seemed to make me feel good. I could say I had my moms full attention. Her face slumped when I explained it was the same boy who had hit me. She turned around and started pacing in circles like before. This time, I could make out the mumbling. It doesn’t take long, but she notices I am all ears. She strokes both my shoulders and said,

Why? Why did I let my anger get the best of me? Linda, never put your anger towards someone. Learn your strength and abilities.

What did she mean by that? Gratefully the boy was alright and back in his home the next day. Want to hear something ironic? Never, did he antagonize or bother looking my way again! Just having a concussion must have knocked something good in him… ha ha.

There were multiple events that occurred in the same time span of 1982-1984. I was somewhere between the age of 11 to 13 years old. This period, not only haunt my memories and dreams forever, but would mold who I became since then. These happenings took place in the same location, but just various episodes

DEMON

In 1982, my parents decided to purchase a house while being stationed at Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland. It had enough bedrooms and was in a good location to work near Washington, DC, as my dad states. While viewing the house, the Donnelly’s who lived next door, came by to introduce themselves. My Mom loved to talk and to be around people. Knowing she thrives on conversation, I determined this was going to be the longest “walk-thru” ever! Persuading her to move along was not an answer. I don’t know if I was just so bored, but their conversation seemed to creep on for hours. Not that anything bad was spoken, but I got the impression it was an “adult conversation”. Later in life, I will learn what was said and so will you.

Well, my parents bought the house and it was back to moving. Shuffling around every two years or so, made it exhausting. In the middle of all the unpacking, my mom got acquainted with those same neighbors. Well should I say, we all did. Their son, Mark, was my best friend and first boyfriend. We connected so quickly and deeply. Well, fast forward, he is now my husband! Together we shared our first kiss, first cigarette, and first sip of alcohol. It was nice having such a close friend growing up in the suburbs of D.C. I’ve had my fair share of racial intimidation. I was forced to see this nasty characteristic around this age. My first memory of it always starts here. I guess that would mean my rebellion does too. I stayed away from all racism, which made my friend count go down even more… ha ha. Why, if I talk and like being around someone, am I supposed to listen to another when they say I can’t? That has been my stance on this subject since my exposure to this narrow-minded trait.

Too dark and too late to go outside and play. It was time to go through some of the closets in the house. Well, that was my mom’s opinion. There was stuff left in every corner of every room from the previous owner. My Mom was the brave one to pull items out of the dingiest cubbyhole. All I had to do was hold the trash bag and not even look. Well, there it was! I could see a big letter ‘O’ typed on some cardboard. Oh, wow! I have heard of the Ouija board game. That was enough convincing for the both of us to stop cleaning and check it out. We went down to the basement of the house and set it up. We did not really expect anything to happen or even understood the concept of the game. Anxiously, we just jumped right in after glancing at the instructions. As we started with the typical “Is anyone there”? It moved! It really moved! Yes, It hovered over that word in the upper left corner. Well, both of us thinking the other pushed it, we simply just continued.

What is your name?

It moved again, but a lot faster this time. We had to give effort just to keep up! Unfortunately, not remembering all the answers. One thing did stand out though, it was his birthday. His birthday was April 13th. We found ourselves speaking, well, maybe “communicating” with him a lot. Especially when we realized our hands didn’t even have to touch it! I thought it was silly, but my mom even made him a birthday cake. That’s how I recall the date.

Months into the Ouija board communications, my whole family started experiencing bizarre events occurring around the house. Seeing the typical dark shadows in our peripheral vision only to have them disappear once we turned around. Then there were the noises we swore we heard repeatedly. None of us discussed it with each other. I am still not sure why to this day but were we just scared, or feeling foolish perhaps. It did not take long for the strange things to escalate. What good was it to have a pool table downstairs if we were too scared to enter the room? The wall by the doorway was nicely decorated with a candelabra setting that did not last long. Whenever we got near the wall, it seemed to rumble and shake. That’s what we thought, but within a couple of days we noticed the rumbling was actually the ornaments themselves. I took a deep breath and made a run for it one day. Of course, being hit with wrought iron, it hurts!

We settled for watching the television or movies on our VCR that we boasted about having. It seemed a lot safer when my mom chose not to hang anything on the wall at all. Though, looking back on it now I realize how silly it was to think that. Every time we started laughing or really getting into the show we watched, it would shut itself off! Just switched one thing for another.

We thought and read somewhere, strange things can happen when you perform the Ouija board. Sticking with our instinct, we tried staying away from it. Unfortunately, the activities didn’t get any better. My mom and I eventually decided to ask “Our friend” from the Ouija board. It had been months since we communicated, so maybe could know  what was happening. His explanation was a little overwhelming. Of course, I will paraphrase for the fragmented vocabulary he used and our adding up every letter. Our house occupied many entities with both good and bad. These apparitions would come and go as they pleased with the ability to extend past the house itself. Our impression of the one communicating with us, was a positive formation. It resided in our space we called home, on a more “permanent” nature to steer clear of the negative. Either way, we felt the odd events still remained and strengthened in nature. Our “friend” projected to keep us shielded, but things still went missing. I would see hideous things as well as knowing I was being watched. It was a very stressful time for both myself and my parents. Their positions in the workforce kept them busy with that obligation. Every so often, they did gather their friends at our home for a celebration. We all tried, we really did. On one occasion, my dad lost his temper though. It was made to be noticed, well maybe. His favorite deck of playing cards used for these such gatherings, went missing. We were all blamed and responsible for it, in his eyes. Our exchange with the Ouija board stated he would not get them back!

This is the time and location of my life where I picked up the meaning of fear! That takes me to an unpleasant experience that happened. Definitely not for not lack of better words, just beyond my comprehension. There is a saying that goes, “Once you see something, you can’t un-see it.” There were a couple times that what I saw, I wish to erase from my memory. Before the age of eleven, being scared of someone or a consequence of my bad actions was the worst emotion I had. I did not know how good I had it.

My bedroom was enormous in size and had its own bathroom. I could brush my teeth without having to venture out into the hall. Plenty of space on both sides of my bed to give me room for my ball to bounce on its hardwood floors when I was bored. I loved having the biggest bedroom. Staying up late one night, I turned off the light to the restroom and came out to see something move above my bed on the wall. It was just a small movement that went away as I tried to focus. Guess I was hoping it was nothing. Not seeing it anymore, I just finish getting ready to sleep. I made my way to the lamp beside my bed, knowing I was going leave it on. Still feeling spooked, I unfolded my comforter and looked up at the wall. Uh, huh! I saw it! Another movement! This time it did not go away! I looked directly at it in the middle of the wall. I saw the designs of the wallpaper swirling around each other. I focused to notice the swirl was concentrated just above my bed at about 2 feet round. This time I made sure to blink and rub my eyes, but it was still there! Oh Geese, I did not know what it was and I did not want to guess.

I can say proudly, I did not scream and slowly moved toward the door to sneak by. There I was standing in the hallway, just to see the “swirl” moving along with me! If I scream, everyone will wake up and only get mad at me. This made me start to run near the end of the hall and stop to look behind me again. In total shock, this “swirl” was still there beside me in the wall. I stopped and froze in fear. I was so scared my legs felt like they were 1,000 pounds and words just could not form in my mind. I was blank, watching it protrude outwards to take shape. The wallpaper seemed to be melting. Move! Run! Go!… I’m still frozen! I start to recognize the shape of a mouth, nose, and eye indention …Oh my  God! I finally turn around and ran into my parent’s room. I stayed there all night. I want to say possibly being eleven years old, I just let my imagination get the better of me. The reason I cannot assume that is because I saw this protrusion at other times. Sightings became more frequent to form itself quicker each time. There were horns and long teeth! I could not sleep in my room for weeks! Thank goodness my sister didn’t mind company. Sheeze, I can’t go in my room or the basement! I don’t want to ever be alone! To this day of 41 years old, I continue to have nightmares that this creature is stalking me.

 

 

A Different Apparition

Again in my room, I can’t seem to fall asleep. This time, I do not know where the noise is coming from. Is it in my room or perhaps, is it in the hall? Hiding my face under the covers does not ever make it go away! I lifted my head from the comfort of deep inside my pillow to realize the noise is just outside my room. The sound was like counting thunder on a stormy night as it was getting closer and closer. Should I make a run for it and speed to my parents room again? I decided to leave my slippers and jump as far as I could. When I got to the doorway, my dad was already standing there. His head turned left as he fixated in a stare down the hall. I stood there for a second, watching him and waiting to see him react. Eventually, I also peered over to the right. It was “him”! My friend from the Ouija board! I can’t explain how I knew, I just understood it to be. He was turning around to us and gesturing us to follow.

Well, because this apparition is etched in my memory and my communication with him, I will recite the following exactly as I saw it. “He” was wearing worn out denim pant overalls with the bottoms rolled up. It was similar to the book I read, “Huckleberry Finn”. The left shoulder strap hung over his shoulder to sway as he moved forward. His shirt was short sleeved in a faded green color. As I approached closer, I noticed his hair was so greasy and straight that it definitely looked black. My dad followed him slowly in front of me. Neither one of us looking nor speaking to each other. We made our way down the narrow hallway through to the very dim living room. Even as the light in each area changed, his lit presence did not. We veered right through the entry to the dining room. Keeping at the same slow pace, making another right turn to the door that descends into the basement. Normally this door stayed closed or otherwise it would block the way to the dining room. On this night, it seemed to be open for us. We followed along with him down the stairs, until he disappeared! POOF… right in front of us! My dad finally, slowly turned his head and glanced at me with an uncertain blank expression. In spite of everything, we both had nothing to say. We both robotically just turned and went back to bed.

It was not until thirty years later till both of us finally talked about it. When collaborating with him to write this story in my book on February 4, 2013, he depicted a contrast in one thing. When my dad was staring and following “my friend” on that night our visions were not the same. Instead of seeing an actual man in such detail as I described, he was ensuing a green figure of light. He saw an “electric like” green glow of a head and shoulder silhouette moving away from him. I asked again,

 

Did you see the ghost gesture at you, and if not, how could you miss that? It was the strangest thing I ever saw and wanted to find out where it was going?

Light from above

After my father retired from the service in1994, they purchased a home in a newly developed neighborhood. He was so delighted for this to be his last move away from the Air Force. With excitement, every weekend pictures were taken of the anticipated build. Their house was one of the first ones to be completed for move in. The awesome unobstructed view was worth battling the numerous scorpions in and around the house. One very hot day in the summer, my son and I made our usual visit to their house. Letting him run around with his toys was better than any sugar rush, to tire himself out of course. That evening, we had lots of laughs and the rare occasion of everyone being in a good mood. We were cooking in the kitchen, to some of us utilizing the outside hose as an answer to the Texas heat.

My mom and I chose to make a quick drive to the local Walgreens that just opened. It was also a good excuse to pick up some ice cream they advertised for the Grand Opening. Having the sun set did not help the temperature drop any at all. We giggled our way to the car and we went over the list of what everyone wanted. It did not take long for us to anticipate the turn onto the main street. This was our favorite route in the neighborhood. Most of the lots were still vacant so there was not much other traffic. Without intervention, we could go beyond the speed limit to enjoy the awesome road designs of curves. We felt it took “special” skills to swerve around the big trees decorated in the medians, particularly at night when street lights were not yet installed.

With both our windows down, my mom steps on the gas of her Mazda 626. Wooo Hoo! We discovered, there is no reason to go that fast without feeling the wind in your face to give the effect of flying. Within seconds of the first bend, we are thrown off guard. There is a light at the very end of our view. It is illuminating the pavement ahead like a helicopter’s search spotlight, minus any movement. Recognizing we would ultimately catch up to it. We agreed to slow down. Darn it! At our slower rate, the light started shifting and traveling in our direction. We both look at each other to pull over and stop complaisantly. Opened our sun roof and turned off the radio to look up. Our car was the only one on the road for as far as we could see. Not a sound stood out. Absolutely nothing!

This round brightness was heading for us kind of fast. Like it noticed us! The glowing tree in front of us turned dark as the radiance above shined down on the car and road around us. Within seconds the intense beam shot through the roof of our car. I screamed, “go” as my mom put the car in gear to burn out the pavement under her wheels! The only evidence we were moving at all, was to look through the smoke of the light made by her burnt rubber from the tires. The streak remained with us no matter how quick we went. It was so lucent that I could see the profound concentration on my mom’s face. “Faster! Drive faster!” pours out of my mouth as the wind seemed to muffle my screams. I’m so scared and I don’t even know of what!

     Oh thank goodness, just below the hill we saw Walgreens. Without any more discussion, she pulled into the parking lot. Both of us jumped out of the car to look up. Nothing! There was no light, no sound, and no marks on the car. What else could we have considered as evidence of a “light” chasing us? No one else was phased as they pulled up and parked their vehicles.. Nothing! Not only did the rest of our family not trust our account, they were disappointment we didn’t even get them ice cream. We definitely did not go back out!

 

OF A DIFFERENT WORLD?

Now it was April of 1997. Even though I had my own place and job, misfortune knocked me down. I admit that some of my choices in life were down- right horrible. Looking back on it now, I am completely ashamed! Perhaps the thought of a “Knight in Shining Armor” existed and took over any reasoning. Purely love-sick over a guy combined with my admitted nursing syndrome hid the evil from me. When this ill temper showed up that is exactly how I classified it. I thought to myself, I can fix him and mend my own attitude. Maybe if I spoke and acted different he would love me as much as I loved him. So, when he requested I pack anything I could to fit into his Jeep Wrangler that I bought, and abandon my lease; I was thrilled to. On his word, we relocated to the state of Colorado. We were able to purchase food and gas on the Shell credit card supplied from his Dad.

 I trusted his excuses for not being able to find a job since he was able to sweet talk a local landlord into an apartment. It was my turn to show some intelligence and get into the workforce. Gullible as I was, there I went to hit the pavement for a job. I went along with every request he had, until… (deep breathe) his temper appeared again. His father found my cell phone number and called me. The credit card “He” was using for our groceries, was not given to him but rather it was stolen. When he finally arrived back at home after being gone three weeks, I questioned him. His answer was to clinch his car keys in his fist and thrash them over my face! Shock struck me just as hard when I fell to the floor faster than my blood. I wasn’t going to wait for another blow, so I stood up and ran into the only bedroom with a lock.

I stayed there until I heard the front door slam close. The next day when he still did not come back, I drove over to my job at Wal-Mart. I begged my co-workers to help me move any stuff I had. A nice girl posted on the employee bulletin board about a room she was renting. All things worked out and boxes in hand. Well, “he” drives up. I understand no one really wants to get involved with domestic violence, so everyone apologetically left. No matter how strong I thought I felt, I was no match. (Deeper breath…) The front door slammed closed again. This time, I was in the same room with him. Before I could even utter a word, he lifted his arm and grabbed a fistful of my hair. After getting a good grip, he lowered his arm enough for me to fall to the ground. He dragged me into the kitchen and then forced me upright to face the window. He cupped the back of my head to shove my face into his home-made bomb on the sill and threatened to use it. His combined ingredients in some dark water of a baby food jar. Oddly, it had more of a stench up close! When I managed to wiggle away, his fingers were still able to grab a hold of my belt loop and drag me back towards him. In an instant, both of his hands went on my neck to cause everything to be blurry. But, he must have let loose, since my next memory was being on the carpet and looking up at the ceiling. He was gone. In the coming weeks, I prepared to move back into my parent’s house. I did not leave without having one more shock though. I was pregnant!

I made the decision to be a single mother, yet again. It’s nice to know family is always there. I was about 7 months pregnant with my daughter and feeling extremely depressed. To fathom having another child I could not provide for, plummeted my mood constantly. Reluctantly, I made the choice to go through an adoption. I felt I was doing the responsible thing for not only myself but for my unborn child. The adoption I picked was represented as “Open”. This is a process where you hand pick the parents from their organization and have visitation throughout their lives. It tries to relieve the stress on both sides. My family understood my decision with the exception of my mom. She did not understand, agree, nor support my decision. She continuously tried to change my way of thinking. Being the kind hearted woman she was, her anticipation of having a granddaughter was astounding. My grief was constantly pulling at my emotions. I did not know what to do.

Late one morning I was in the front living room watching television. The chime of the front door signaled it opened and closed. I wasn’t expecting anybody to come home and was still in my pajamas. I leaned around the divided wall to get a view of the door. My 8 year old son was standing in the foyer. I laid down my cereal by the lamp and got up from the couch to walk toward him. Hmm, why is he not in school? Hey, how did he get home? Before I could reach him, he makes it to the banister of the stairway and runs up the steps. I climbed the steps holding onto the railing, but just couldn’t match his speed to catch up. When I reached the game room at the top of the steps, he already made it down the hall by the bathroom. I yelled:

Where are you going? Why aren’t you in school? What’s wrong and why are you running away from me?

I was hoping for a chance to slow down while he was not moving. Climbing steps took a lot of energy out of me. He simply stared at me and ran in the bathroom. The door slammed closed and changed my mood from curiosity to anger. Forget why he is not answering, why is he making me chase him and not listening to me? When did he change clothes from the ones I dressed him in this morning? I also ran over to the bathroom to open the door as I call out his name. All I saw, was my own image staring back at me from the huge mirror above both sinks. He was not in there! I didn’t run up all those steps for no reason! I was not yelling to myself! Where could he have gone from the constricted entrance? Just like the movies, I look at the only place I cannot see… the shower. HOLY SHIT! I stepped back so fast I almost lost my balance and pulled the shower curtain off. It was not a monster nor a ghost. It is an actual girl standing in the shower looking at me. She is fully dressed wearing jeans and a t-shirt. We both say nothing and I just stared back. Her straight long hair makes the freckles on her face standout under the make-up. The long eyelashes bounce up and down as she blinks her eyes and lifts both her arms out to me! Keeping with the lack of dialogue, neither one of us speak a word as we watch each other’s eyes. I know her, she is my unborn daughter. I just feel it!

Again, I’m just frozen. This time it is not fear, it’s shock. I don’t know what to do! Still no words were spoken. She gave me the most kind and calm expression as it was piercing through my eyes. She never moves. I start to see the shower wall behind her becoming more transparent than her image. Finally, I turn around and ran downstairs. Seven months pregnant, I leap down the hall and down the steps so I can grab the phone. I’m not done running, I make it outside. Standing in the front yard with the phone in my hands. I frantically looked at all the windows.

Thank goodness my mom answers her phone at work. What else could I do, call 911? She says her spiel “This is Connie…” I believe that’s all she was able to get out before I started rambling. I am not even sure what I said. My heart was pounding louder than the sound of my voice! She tells me to sit on the curb to breathe and relax. She is on her way. Those 30 minutes went by so slow. Of course, when she arrives there is nothing to show her. I follow her as she retraces my steps leisurely and talking to herself. Instead of feeling silly, I am confident and she knew it. Her conclusions were the same as my own. I do not have to convince her of the image or truth that it was my daughter. That precise moment, I changed “My way of thinking” and did not give my child up for adoption. Never, ever did I or do I regret it! She is mine and will always be my baby girl. I love you eternally.

 

ACTUALLY PETRIFIED!

My youngest brother, Brian and his wife, Diane were living the dream. It was not long after the marriage that they found the perfect house to apply their saved up down payment. Both of them worked on their hands and knees to finish the handyman part of the sale. As we are known for, there were plenty of gatherings and barbecues for everyone to see the progress. Now there was ample amount of room in the backyard around the pond to sitting in the extra room made from the garage. They even made enough space for their new family dog.

With construction nearing its end, it was time for the adjustment of a hum drum typical work day. Busy mornings with getting herself ready for her own job and preparing her daughter for school. Brian almost on his own way out the door was gathering his keys for a full 12 hour shift. Not much time for goodbyes, Diane walks in the living room to lock the door behind him. No more than just a few seconds after, a series of knocks came banging on the front door. She quickly asks her daughter to get the front door assuming Brian had simply forgotten something and needing back inside. Her daughter opens the door but to only see him drive away and no one else. She called Brian to see if he had forgotten anything and to see if he had seen anybody approach the front door as he drove away. Surprisingly, Brian did not see nor hear anyone approach the door within that time frame. Neither of them really thought too much about that morning but to only start questioning after as it seemed to occur more often.

Within only a few weeks later, both had noticed that all the lights were always turned on and doors seemed to be left open in the house when they were away. Logically, they just assumed someone had entered their house and were robbed. Though, nothing was out of the familiar as all their possessions and valuables were still there. Months had passed and Diane had noticed some of her jewelry had gone missing. She had an act for leaving these items on the bathroom countertop for when she would get ready for work. Both Brian and Diane had looked around the house, in the bedrooms, under the bed and even in their daughters room. Unfortunately, a few weeks had already passed with no such luck. Oddly, when their search party had come to an end that the jewelry was seen back on the bathroom countertop. They quickly started to question themselves and wonder what the heck was going on. No answers were ever given nor a simple explanation.

Well, the remodeling of the house had begun once again. This time, the modifications had started in the daughters room as it was needed for an upgrade. The carpet, wood paneling and baseboards had been removed all within the same day. Both Brian and Diane and moved all the their daughters furnishing to the middle of the room to allow for needed space to work. Now that there was added space, they could quickly get to that pesky lower molding. Brian and Diane were on opposite sides of the bedroom taking care of each baseboard from the walls. Rather than telling you her story, I will have it expressed it in her own words.

I was working on the base boards on one side of the room closest to where the door was and Brian was across the room doing the same thing. All of a sudden I felt something on my middle back area. The best way to describe it, that it felt like someone poked me with their finger. The feeling of pressing in my skin for only 2 seconds then it felt like they removed their finger. Of course I kinda jumped, it caught me off guard. I immediately thought the obvious, which would be Brian playing around with me, I thought he poked me. I was still kneeling on the floor as I turned around to say something to him when my heart sank as I saw that he was still across the room. He too was still kneeling down, facing the wall and working on base boards. I then started to become scared, my heart rate began racing. I stood up and said to Brian ” How did you do that? You poked me and got back over there so fast” as I said that to him I had a strange feeling come over me because I kinda knew it was next to impossible for him to have done it and get back in position across the room. I just wanted to believe he had just performed a miracle stunt!” lol. He then turned his head to look at me and said “What?” No. What are you talking about?” He seemed a little confused since I could clearly see he was way across the room and working hard on baseboards. I stood there in shock as I nervously scanned the room, thinking over and over ..there has got to be an explanation. Unfortunately neither of us could not find one. At that moment my confusion turned to a frightening panic as I yelled out to Brian that we needed to get out of the room. Once we were out of the room I screamed at Brian frantically” I know something poked me, it sounds crazy but its true!” He eventually calmed me down and began looking at the middle of my back just to see if anything was there, but nothing. He could clearly see how badly shaken up I was. I then said to him that I believed whatever had touched me could more than likely do it again and my fear was that it might be worse than just a simple poke next time. We both agreed not to take any chances and we departed from the house.

Again, as we are known for, Brian dialed my Moms work number. She heard the desperation in his sentence and knew he needed her. My mom had a way with making us feel better but also had a “knack” for making the negative disappear. You know, kind of started with the ole’ boogey man in the closet to swoosh away. Every single time any of us had an unusual experience we always went to my mother for help or opinion on the matter.

They finally got relief from the intensity seeing her car approach their street. She stepped out of the car clutching a container of her usual Holy Water collected from her church. The whole event was recounted to add Diane’s point of view as one of the things my mom asked. The other was, for them both to stay outside and wait for her to come out. Sorry to say, no one knows what exactly happened while she was inside the house. They paced back and forth trying to catch a glimpse in a window, but were not so lucky. By then, 10 minutes had gone by and then another 20 minutes. She appeared in the front door 35 minutes later with the empty canister of Holy Water. “You can go in now”, was the only words she spoke on the subject. They witnessed her lips quiver along with the notion of being tired. My mom never elaborated anymore on this event, not even once! Diane and Brian did not have any more phenomena’s in that house. I wouldn’t quite say this is the closing to the story though. Encounters with peculiar activities still followed them both, just not in that house.

THE CRYING MAN

It was April 2007, my family attended the Sunday service even more closely after my mom’s passing. The thought of being inside a Church was a nice reminder of her. When we needed help with any arrangements, Holy Cross stood up to the plate. All I had to do was mention her name and nothing else was required. No money exchange, no time on our part to create the wonderful ceremonies for everyone to attend.

The service took its normal procedure to include the hymns and signage of the cross when necessary. The parishioners stood up when instructed by row and preceded their way to the Eucharist. The line of people receiving the blessed wafer like cracker in their hand meant the near end to an hour long service. With this structured process, my brother, Bobby pointed to someone who stuck out of order. A very elderly man struggling to keep his balance on a cane stood alone. The people passed him on their merrily way up to the alter and back down to the pew. His hands shook to grasp a tissue tucked away in his pocket. As if no one even saw this gentleman. My brother took the initiative and walked over to him. Bobby offered to walk him forward with the best reassurance he could extend. In between his weeping came a mumble to clarify how deeply sorry he was. The faintest shade of blue eyes portrayed such sadness. Tears built up around the edges to drop as he made his way past our pew. This very nicely dressed man will stand out in my family’s memory because he was not visible to everyone. Some people, including our own nephew, did not see an old man. Bobby just simply got up and proceeded in line to the Eucharist by himself. Why did only some see this man and why was he so sad?

FREAKED OUT

In 2008, my youngest brother, Brian was moving on after a divorce. He fell into a relationship that might be considered a “rebound” but as his character is, loved her with all his heart! Sometimes you need to look around you and notice the signs that might steer you in the right direction. My little footnote of encountering her must be said one way or another. I have learned to forgive and see the goodness in people, but sometimes their faults must be displayed at face value. The reasoning one comes up with in their mind, is truly astonishing. Living and raising your children on deceit and child support, gives us women a bad name! Here is his story:

In this point of my life, I thought things were starting to enlighten and look brighter. But with every good day there are usually bad ones that follow. At this time I was with somebody, who I thought was special to me. As usual, there’s always a “but” in every relationship. Months and months were passing and we had many fall outs. I had a particular night where the famous quote comes to mind “when the shit hits the fan”. One evening we both just got so furious with each other and it got very ugly. Maybe ugly might be an understatement but none the less, I had to call the city police to assist me in this night’s brutal physical attack on me. She assaulted the officer who approached trying to speak with me. She was arrested and I was advised to not be in the house once she was released. Now, I have never been in a relationship like this where I was completely speechless and scared at the same time. So, as the officer had instructed, I left and tried to absorb everything that had just happened.

That night, I drove to my work and parked in the company lot to the back of the building to just have my time and calm down. I sat in my car with the windows rolled down and never even turned the radio on. About 20 minutes go by and I keep hearing some movement in the employee break area outside. I step out and assume it was either a co-worker or an animal. Now keep in mind it’s almost 3:00 am, so it could not have been an associate. So it had to be an animal. I called out but there was no answer and I just wanted to try and fall asleep in my car. I sat back down in the car and tried to go over what had just happened with my girlfriend and I. I was emotionally hurt but most of all thinking, “How am I going to go back to this life style”. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. As I contemplated my concentration seemed to continue with the noises out there.

I finally look over to my right passenger side and see something just staring at me! Let me remind you that I had all my windows down and can see this “something” clear as day. It was a dark smoky grey facial figure that’s propped upon my door next to my mirror. To be a little more specific, it was transparent not solid. I can make out the eyes, nose and mouth socket. A rounded head but can’t make out any others such as hair, facial features or even expressions. It was just dark grey smoke with very little face formation. I examined it for maybe a period of ten seconds and bolted out of there! Speeding onto the highway entrance and kept looking in my rear view mirror but saw nothing.

To say the least, I was really freaked out and scared as Hell! I drove around and eventually pulled into my best friend’s driveway. After much needed time to myself, I look back at that figure and just think “it” didn’t do anything.” It never caused harm of any nature. It almost felt as though I was being observed or watched. As though it picked up on my pain and absorbed it with me, as if it was just there for me. Now this is just me speaking out loud, but as many religions state about the after-life, a “heaven” or “spiritual world.” I’m almost in agreement with myself but I think I may have seen my own guardian angel. Catholics believe all of us have our own guardian angel that help and protect us. So, perhaps mine actually allowed me to see him/her. It was not too much as comforting me, but allowing itself to feel my hurt and aches. As though to live what I had just experienced and to know that it hurts as well with me. Another idea is perhaps it was my mom who had passed and is still there with me. Possibly also feeling everything I am feeling. She may have tried to show herself to me, but I can only see so much. Either of the two ideas are completely fine by me. Knowing my mom is with me and all of us as well as giving me the “sign” of… I’m not alone in any of my life’s demise or my Guardian angel showing me the same love and devotion. I just hope I’m not making them work overtime!

HELLO, ANYONE THERE?

My brother, Brian met George in kindergarten that has been a lifelong friend. I can recall them riding their tricycles down the hill on to the driveway to see who was fastest! George has also been there as an extended family member to share in our joy and sorrow as his own. He tells this phenomenon with such compassion and true conviction. I wished you could hear his voice.

In 2009, Brian and George were enjoying their afternoon working on the dreaded car repairs. Collectively they could fix it in half the time. The San Antonio heat is absolutely nothing to mess with. When you have your friends hanging out to help sure can make the demands seem more enjoyable. Hands all greased up and knee high in brake fluid, all you could hear was laughter and the tightening of the wrench. I can’t promise those bags of chips and glasses didn’t have grime all along the sides. Almost finished and ready to clean up. Just then George’s cell phone rings. He answers the call just to sound concerned as he reply’s to the other end of the phone:

“What, I can’t understand you, what’s wrong?”

Not making out all the words didn’t prevent him from knowing something was wrong. He dialed the number back to reach his Dads cell, with no response. Again and again, the unanswered ring confirmed his already alarmed position that his Dad needed help! Both George and Brian wipe the muck from their fingers and know it is time to leave.

Every single one of his attempts to reach his dad on the cell phone and calling the landline were not good. His patience was running thin when his thoughts kept telling him to rush. George sped through as many crossing sections as best he could to weave his way to his parent’s house. For some reason, every other person in his family was not answering their phone either. Their concern immediately turned to dread. So when they reached his house and saw his dad’s car on the driveway, they ran through the front door and both shouted his name repeatedly.   Finally, George heard a whimper of “help” below the opening to the attic. He was still lying on the floor in the same position as when he fell from the ladder. The body damage was so severe, an ambulance had to be called.

This very tough working man was going about his hard day’s work and lost his footing. The rest of his family were so thankful George was able to rescue him. Relieved, they gathered around his hospital bed and asked George how he knew his father was in trouble. He proudly described being able to decipher his dad’s cry for help on the other end of the phone. They all took turns looking at each, before explaining the cell phone could not be working without the paid service. But how, how could the call and his voice come through to reach George?

These personal narratives that I revealed, have no other end. I don’t hold an explanation other than their occurrence. Thought I don’t want it to stop here. Should I disregard these memories because there is no final answer and pretend they did not happen? I am standing up to say “no”! I do want an answer!!

 

 

Chapter 2  House of Confusion

Do you ever question yourself? When is it time to make a decision or stand by one you have already made? Are you filled with confidence? Have you ever shared an account, just to see that sarcastic smirk on the other person’s face and know they don’t believe a word? It’s a good thing I can’t see your face reading this, huh? Time and time again that happened when I recited something out of the ordinary. In the course of time, I am always reflecting back on the weird stuff that occurred. I am so very tired of doubting myself because of that same abnormality or because someone else cannot accept the truth!

What if you could go back? I mean, really go back to the same paranormal experience that started it all. The little house on Louise Lane is what my husband and I call it. The house we all considered haunted growing up is a couple hours away from where I recently bought my property. I’ve always wanted to see that house as time went by to face the environment as an adult. I saved some paranormal stories that include ghosts and monsters! Yea, monsters! Ha Ha. Just remember, this chapter is based on when I was a child but does extend through to now. Okay, going back was always just a thought. I never really considered arranging anything. Between you and me, too much time had gone by and honestly I was scared. Really scared! After much persuasion and my denial of fear to anyone, I had no choice.

Summer of 2009, I thought it would take some begging for my brothers to endure a cross country drive with little notice. Luckily when my husband and I bought a truck in San Antonio, they both did not even think twice. For some reason every four wheeled drive truck was a lot cheaper right there where all my family was, rather than in Virginia! They jumped at the adventure to take a small break from work and get away. We were all so excited to get together and plan the week long visit. It was going to be their last time to stay with us since the falling economy sucked us in. Oh, you will be reading more about that later! Until then, I will try to keep on subject. (he he)

My brother Bobby, wanted or shall I say insisted that we take advantage of our location. It was not just I, who had memories of our childhood home. We all agreed, the time to encounter these memories once and for all should be now. We gathered our cameras and cigarettes, thinking we would just knock on the door. Yea, I realize that seems bold but there is a possibility we knew the owners. The family we sold the house to had a son around my husband’s age. They also became good friends and stayed in contact over many years. We believed the last time he went by there was not long enough for them to relocate. So we crossed our fingers that hopefully they still lived there. Driving through the DC beltway in the heat made navigating through the neighborhood a breeze. Our memories almost guided us directly there. We couldn’t help but sit there in the car for awhile. Wow! Now being older pushes us to feel like kids again. We made our way slowly to the door. While approaching the door, we were taking pictures and trying to soak in every moment. There’s the telephone pole my husband and I put our initials on. We both saw it in a movie and copied it. Oh!! The crab apple tree is missing that divided our two homes. When my husband and I lived there, it was the place we first saw each other. The hand rails leading to the front door look the same but only more electric as I touch them again after 25 years. Now is that the same tingly sensation behind my neck, like I’m being watched once more? Bobby kind of nudges me and says:

Stop being scared, be strong!

As we draw near the door, we just stared at each other. Who’s going to knock…ha ha? I believe Brian extends his arm. There’s no turning back now. The tiny framed girl that answered was a sad disappointment. My reflection from 12 years old did not know her. Shoot… we have to explain why we’re here to pass the silent moment. The awkward conversation was brief and we miserably headed back to the car with no answers. Phooey! I prepared myself to enter the house. I wanted to finally put to rest any fear and or doubt. We sat in the car feeling foolish and wished there was something else to say. At the moment the engine stirred, that same girl came outside and walked across the street to our car. She made her way up to my window with her phone in hand. I lowered it, thinking she may have called the cops when we spooked her. But, in fact she was speaking to her Aunt. I hear,

is your name Linda and are you married to Mark?

Yay! I discovered it is the same family. I was handed the cell phone and got to speak to her Aunt. They were the original family my parents sold the house to back in 1984! And… she remembered me! After waiting for her to come home, we spent the rest of the day there. We had the opportunity to talk to the homeowners and met their kids again, which were my own age. It was strangely pleasant though. Us, getting through the cordials was the main point at first. Mrs. “R” opens the front door behind her and says,

I know you want to come in and look

We all were given a quick tour but just didn’t resolve anything. Regardless, we shared drinks and enjoyed our time outside. It was one of those situations where it felt like a long lost family, friendships grew instantly. They were so wonderful and kind that we planned another visit.

As expected, the entire ride home of anxiety to preview the pictures we just took was all we could talk about. As soon as we walked through the garage door, Brian set up the computer on my dining table. I was eager to talk to my husband about our great day. My husband was excited to finally visit with his childhood friend and return. I’m so very glad we went! We did it together as brothers and sister. Brian calls me over and says,

What do you see?

It’s a picture of the front of the house we took as we were walking up. Automatically my eyes shift to the windows. “What is that!”. I hear Brian say after letting me study for a total second! Through the night, my brothers and I examine all the pictures with chills and anticipation. So, the feeling of being watched that day has a face! My brothers and I spoke about that day and go over these pictures so many times as we share with friends. It seemed to not only inspire us, but instigated new curiosity. Both of my brothers will one day return to pursue their answers. I needed to put away my cowardice and figure out what’s going on or at least that’s what Bobby tries to convince me. Now not much time had passed before my husband calls his friend. They too, reconnected quickly and wanted to meet up. I’m so excited, but nervous at the same time. I don’t want to let my brother’s down, especially myself.

Our next visit with was with “J”. This was Mark’s childhood friend and this took place at his house. It was kind of a relief to not have to “work myself up” and simply to just enjoy the visit. His children were so adorable and he had the sweetest wife. We had such a great time sharing stories and having a couple drinks with a lot of laughing! My husband hit it off with all the kids as well. There he was, playing video games and sharing cheats. It only took one sip for the both of us and now we’re hooked on Courvoisier- yummy. Some of ‘J’s stories took me by surprise after asking if any strange events happened in the house we used to live in. Seems he had his own phenomena’s and even encountered a “negative” presence. Now, I’m excluding his and his family’s names from this book for privacy. At that time, he was much younger of course. He had walked up the stairs of the basement and stopped to see a black cloud in front of him. Since he didn’t know what it was and didn’t know what to do, he just stared at it. He remembers falling backward and feeling the floor. He tried to stand up but he was too fatigue that he couldn’t. Then he found that he couldn’t breathe! As he’s gasping for air, his mom ran down the stairs to lift him up to pat him on his back to regain his breath. Neither one really understood the cause of what happened. I’m told his children, nieces and nephews would shy away from the basement. His niece flat out refuses to go at all because of something she saw. I’m getting more anxious and scared, but I need to go back and visit that house. I’m looking forward to seeing his parents and sister again.

Seems our doubt is shrinking fast. I also found out my mom had spoken with to “J’‘s mother before they bought the house. When I heard them talking in the past, it was “an adult conversation” but now I know! She wanted her to be aware of the additional presence inside the home. It reminded me of what my mother-in-law told me. She also informed my mom about chattering to strange occurrences in the house. The family before us had mentioned to her about these abnormal activities that couldn’t be explained at that time. They lived there in the 1970’s, when the neighborhood was just developed. After my husband’s family moved in, they too would talk and have their own stories. The wife claimed she had seen her father that passed years earlier, just walking around.

Our next visit was just before the holiday weekend. My husband and I planned to help them prepare for a family reunion picnic that unfortunately we could not attend. My husband and his friend were outside enjoying the day and I was inside the house talking with JH (the sister). She is was easy to talk to and the conversation had just seem to flow. Being in my old kitchen felt like I was stuck between two worlds. One set of eyes viewed the room as an 11 old and the other viewed the newly remodeled counters. Our dialogue quickly steered to the house when she asked me if anything strange had ever happened while I lived there. She seemed to be a little nervous because I had to finish the sentence for her. Alright, perhaps the “cat’s out of the bag”. Now we can talk! It’s true. Her daughter refuses to go down in the basement unless someone was with her. I really wanted to talk with her but I wasn’t sure what to say. She is around the same age as I was, when I lived there. I felt a need to respond in a way to build up the courage and bring up such an abnormal subject. Thinking it would make both of us feel better, I enthusiastically volunteered to speak with her. I blurted out,

You know, I used to live here in this house before I sold it to your grandparents. That used to be my room when I was 10 yrs old. She turns her head and looked at me, really?

Her daughter nods her head a little, while she looked down. So I thought to myself, maybe that didn’t sound good? When she didn’t elaborate much on her fear of the basement, I casually brought up the Ouija board that my mom and I had. She perked up and started to really pay attention more. She seemed very interested and gratefully and more bold with her responses. I find out she often at times will see a young boy every now and then. Sometimes she would walk into a room and there he was. She also stated that he would walk in a room where she was in. She had also stated, because he looked different and never spoke that she felt so very scared.

Later, I find myself peeling eggs and prepping for the picnic but one of them had gotten loose. They were slippery that “Jh” squeezed so hard it flew and hit the floor. We laughed, knowing it was going to happen sooner or later. Wouldn’t you know it, we were out of paper towels to clean the splatter. I started to get excited when she told me they keep more in the basement. I was eager to be the one to fetch a roll. I took the excuse and asked her daughter if she would like to go down in the basement with me. A lot of encouragement on my part but she finally had agreed. With my final consideration that won us both over, was the fact we could support each other! We proudly held hands at the top of the stairs.

I had my camera in one hand and her daughter’s hand in my other as she followed me down the steps. We opened the door, turned on the hall light and continued single file. I don’t know whose hand shook more, mine or hers. About halfway down the steps she started yelling,

THERE HE IS!

She pushed my hand away and raced back up the steps, closing the door behind her. I wish I could have ran back up the steps too but I just turned around and ran away. I was scared and struggled with the fierce urge not to allow my legs go in the opposite direction. I told myself, I’m not running again! I looked ahead of me to get a quick glimpse of a boy. It was so fast that I compared it to a blink. He looked young and wore brown clothing with an old fashioned hairstyle. I stepped forward and bring my camera up to my eyes. Even though he’s no longer there, I aim to where he was. It was  too dark for me to find my way or to find the paper towels. I reached out my hand and felt down the wall behind me as I  tried to go by memory of the storage area. I was so terrified while fighting with my imagination not to see what was beyond the corner. This time, there was nowhere to run. I’m the adult! The words “It’s ok, we’re all ok”, came out of my mouth over and over again.  Deep breathes as I thought of my mom giving me confidence. A familiar shape came into my grasp when the lights turned on from my touch. I see where I am and got excited! Ha Ha… Yes,I did it! I didn’t turn and run away. I hear “Jh” say out loud, “don’t forget the paper towels”. I grabbed two and head back up the stairs. I felt like I were 10 feet tall! Surprise, I gave her the paper towels and told her about the picture I took. Her niece and nephew had came up to me and began reciting stories of their own. One stated, he saw the Boy all the time and even speaks with him. Wow!

So, there I stood with all the kids, as I made a path outside with my husband and “J”.  I was so eager to tell them what happened and even more anxious to view the picture.  My husband would need more convincing proof than my word alone because his skepticism is massive!   The closest I have ever gotten him to admit on any paranormal event is “I don’t know, I can’t explain that one.”  Well, I accepted my cue to calm down; the sun was too bright too focus on any pictures anyway. I lit my cigarette and called Bobby.  Obviously, I promised to send him the picture when I got home.  I crossed my fingers and hoped something showed as my husband scrolled through.  I am only interested in one! Unfortunately, I don’t see a Boy in the picture, but I do see something!  In the space where he was standing is a big bubble.  I’m not sure how to describe since I’ve seen orbs, possible orbs and dust.  It’s just a floating bubble!

I got so intrigued by the events and pictures; it took precedence over any fright.  My brothers and I seemed to of been talking even more than usual and shared our fascination.  It was satisfying being able to put away my uncertainty to have a combined belief.  I no longer have to wonder if my childhood experiences were true!

The next time we got together with our friends, its’ at our own house.  My husband and I were actually living at his grandparents, temporarily.  The house is surrounded by eight dazzling acres, which was the right atmosphere to BBQ.  My husband and I have the privilege to live in a beautiful home that was built in the 1750’s.  His grandparents dream home was inducted into the Historic Society and could even qualify for a bed and breakfast or museum.  I’m all set to show our friends and have a great time.

He drove up in his Ford pickup truck, funny how he and my husband have the same truck.  Out pops ‘J’ and his son, whose enthusiasm to ride our 4 wheeler showed from ear to ear.   It didn’t take him or his dad long to get the hang of it.  Their speed increased so much, that every time they passed, all I could see was the euphoria on their face.  Afterwards, my husband and “J” start work on his truck which gives me the opportunity to spend time with “A”, his son.  This cute little guy is the one with the ability to speak with the boy from the house.  He is so lovable and soft spoken, yet quick to continue our conversation about his talent.  It appeared to me, he really wanted to open up.  I start to realize, it must be very confusing and scary for him.  (He’s only 8).  I think back on “J”’s stories and question if he is uneasy about the whole subject.

His son revealed the latest conversation with the boy from the house. He is meant to ask us why we were there.  Oh my gosh!  So, he (it?) actually acknowledged our presence?  His information went even deeper to explain they (boy’s family) are Quakers and waiting on friends to return.  How amazing, what a fabulous ability he doesn’t even recognize.  He seems so very confused, but also knowledgeable.  He has labels for certain ghosts and descriptions of each.  There’s one Ghost that stares through his bathroom mirror and frightens him.  He’s not sure why, but he cannot communicate with him and the gestures are not pleasant.  I listen and try to be as understanding as possible.  He’s tried both ignoring him and talking to him, which has no effect either way.  Thank goodness- he says that vision doesn’t happen often enough for him to fear the bathroom or such.

Another instance happened during school, in his classroom.  Every now and then a man would open the door and walk directly over to the teacher. His screaming towards her starts to get louder and louder, but she never turns to him or sees him.  At his loudest, “A” can hear him say “Listen to me!!”  By the time I hear this story, his routine has extended to the other children.  He has started going down the aisles of the desks and screaming at the kids in the same way, “Listen to Me!” No one ever sees him, so eventually he turns and walks out the door; very angry.  I asked about one thing he described in his story.  When he shoves the papers off the teacher’s desk, do the other people see the them move? He bows his head and says “I don’t know”, in that sweet soft spoken voice.  We have an agreement to visit again and talk about any more information or events he wanted to talk about.  I’m ecstatic he feels comfortable talking to me, if my listening and understanding makes him feel better- great!

Thinking we needed a break and something to drink, we headed for the kitchen.  Passing through, he stared at the two portraits hanging in the living area.  He eyes gradually peered up one of the steep staircases as he paused for a minute.  I think the creaky board I stepped on broke his daze, because he turned to look at it and laughed.  We drank our tea and ate his favorite food, a whole pickle.  Unexpectedly, he suggested to walk around the house “to look”.  It being very old, I was interested in some form of communication- if any.  We go through the separate dining room, which is my top pick of the house.  This section was transported here to build additions around.  This small, single room was once someone’s whole house to live in back app. 1750.  To see the materials used is amazing, yet alone how it’s withstood the years.  It opens to the front door, greeting room and another staircase.  All the furniture is there, giving it an authentic historic feel.  Climbing the staircase, we reach the second floor to show three different entrances.  Either we turn left into a spare bedroom or enter my bedroom, on the right.  We went by the bathroom and walked inside my room.  He carefully leaned up against the window, crossed his arms and rested his head on my armoire.  “That woman stands here, like this to watch you while you’re sleeping.”  What! I mean- I really say that, “what?!”  He walks closer to the picture I have hanging on my wall and asks who the woman is.  I explain it’s a hand drawn picture of my Mom (and I) that just passed away.  He doesn’t seem amazed or surprised at all; he just shakes his head up and down slightly and walks on.

The rest of the day we enjoyed our BBQ and explored the ‘turn of the century’ barns along the property. There is an actual tobacco press in the largest one of them, used in the highlight of the industry.   We ran across a handwritten notebook.  It looked like an old ledger with people’s names, hours worked and total wages made for each day.  I absolutely love history and learning about it!  (Thank you, my fantastic mother-in law, for letting and giving me that opportunity to do so. It also helped “m” with the grief of losing them)

 

Chapter 3  Shh… I’m Okay!

You read my accounts; some things I have questioned from an early age to now. I have always just thought about it. As you can tell from the way it ended — No more thinking or wondering. This is my story of the greatest Phenomena and what started it all. My determination that forced and guided me.

“Death is not the greatest loss in life; the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live!” I read that somewhere and shamefully can’t give credit to who said it. It’s true! There are no words to justify the feeling of experiencing death. But, that’s just what they are, words I’ve spoken before to somehow ease the pain I could see on someone else’s face. That’s still my view; words don’t have the capable reach to mend any sort of ache. I’ve had to deal with 11 family and friends die in my adulthood. Each tragedy; having separate levels of heart ache. Levels I’ve created, to get lost in; when the pain is so overwhelming. Some deaths were sudden, some expected, and some needed me to comfort another. I felt it easier to force myself to avoid even the thought of my own pain. I have all sorts of ways, like the typical, putting it on the back burner. See, if I promise myself time to think about it later or last – the longer it can stay in the back of my head. If I keep myself busy, sooner or later it becomes a habit you’ve trained the brain to do automatically. Aaah-huh… easier! (The rest of April 2007) The last couple years, my Mom seemed to pick up a nagging cough. Well, I’m not sure how long. One day she had a cold and the cough never went away. We all got used to her forming her sentences around when she could take a breather. Everyone assumed that her regular Doctor appointments were taking care of her. I was surprised when she told me that the problem stemmed from her heart. I think the shock was more towards the doctors. It took them over a year to figure that out?!?! Either way, we continued our confidence and followed through the recommended heart surgery.

The surgeons and doctors told her; told us that the operation was successful. The only thing left to do was get better! She retired from Civil Service and picked up an awesome exercise routine. I think I still have the recording on my ‘answering machine’ of her proudly telling me about her 15 minute treadmill walk. She enjoyed her weight loss, shopping and free time from work. All of us ‘put down our guard’ to be relieved. Just watching her be happy … for a short while.Even though she had enormous strength and a desire to fight, her body was defeated. We mistakenly took her strength as being “everything will be okay”. That’s what she constantly told us and wanted us to think. It happened anyway… the dreaded phone call. I lived 1400 miles away and helpless with what I heard! Conversations with my brothers allowed me to piece together what was going on and what happened. Seems the recent heart surgery must not have been as effective as everyone was lead to believe. My Mom stopped breathing in the living room of her home. I can only imagine the fear of not being able to take in air. (It’s probably best that way). By the time she arrived at the hospital, the doctors gave a list of reasons why her body wasn’t working. She never gained consciousness. How could she be given a ‘GOOD BILL OF HEALTH’ and the next 6 weeks die?? I could write a whole other book on my view of our American health care and ignorant doctors!! For the sake of moving on and bypassing unhealthy thoughts, let me just say BAMC/WILFORD HALL. These are hospitals that epitomize the poor standard of the health care process nationwide… (yucky taste in my mouth).

Getting frustrated does not change the fact, my mom is gone. That night, that next couple weeks, were excruciating! I immediately flew home to be with my family and help plan the funeral. Even though I’ve been to my parents’ house a million times, when I pulled up that night; my emotions spilled out just at the sight of it. I barely get out of the car to see my brother, Bobby, standing outside. I couldn’t seem to stomach walking in or holding back the nerves. I dropped to the curb and let the tears flow. Once it started, I couldn’t stop crying hysterically. Its hard (even today) controlling such torturous pain when it’s fueled by anger and rage. I was mad at God too!! What plan did he have for this? I didn’t seem to care – plan or no plan. Why?

I can’t write this with just MY feelings, I wasn’t the only one. My mom’s passing affected all of us. We felt stripped, nothing left but bare bones for the cold to rattle!!!! I’m not exaggerating. Pain tore apart our insides. She is gone. Our mother is dead. Those two sentences echoed over and over again. I can honestly say that our acceptance of that fact was not accomplished without pulling and being together as best as we could.

(April 21, 2008) One year to the date of my mom’s passing, I was consumed with rage. I’m not good at anniversary dates, so, consciously and unconsciously all my anger surfaced. This brings me to another phenomenal experience. I went to bed early that night. I decided it would be better to get the day over and not take it out on my husband. All lights and TV were off, to fall asleep quick. I hear my name being called out loud, it wasn’t ME. It felt like an involuntary muscle movement just before you fall asleep. I raised my head from the pillow and looked around the dark room to not see anything out of the ordinary. My head barely touched the pillow when my name is called again! In a flash, I see myself! I’m confused. How can I be observing myself and also standing in the dark? Shockingly, the realization of my confusion overpowered any fear and excited me! I hear my name again… “Linda”. Hey, I recognize that voice! I turn around and see my MOM!! Who is now in front of me, guessing about 5 feet or so. Gathering we are both in the dark, adds to my confusion of when I look at her. A soft white glow surrounds her. It wasn’t a circle or even a shape at all; it was just part of her. I leaped as fast as I could, hugging and kissing her. Happiness and joy fill up so much, making me dance around. Yes, I am literally jumping around, feeling complete weightlessness. Bringing my hands up to my face real close, each finger starts to wiggle; in total amazement. I even shout “Look, Mom, Look!”

The next memory is being above everything, looking down to see pieces of land. Focusing brings close the ability to see cars and even little people walking around. At that same moment, the clouds, mountains and wind are at the same level as me! Feeling air whip across my face and yet, seemed to go through me at the same moment! Noticing my feet, body and arms are not there; still does not influence the joy. I don’t sense being incomplete, it’s just me. I know my mom is beside me, I can distinguish her from the air around me. This time there isn’t any conversation, just happy, laughing and smiling. In an instant, we are in that dark area again. My mom is sitting, possibly in a chair; because I’m on the floor sitting Indian style. She is talking, but I’m not looking at her face to see her lips move. Never do I recall using actual words. In real life, my Mom and I practiced telepathy and must recognize it (*). I scoot closer to her; to have my head rest on her lap. She is stroking my hair to comfort me like when I was a small child. Vaguely recollecting the explanation of some future events and giving me the chance to ask any of my questions. Abruptly, she needs to leave. I’m so confused! “Why, you don’t have to go, why? I insisted that I go with her; I NEVER want to leave her! I am so happy beyond any feeling before. She reminds me I have kids, husband and family…No, No, No! I don’t believe her; I don’t understand why I feel frustrated. She’s sitting at a table with a male silhouette behind her (I don’t seem to recognize). “I don’t have much longer” I hear as she fades. I’m crying and screaming for her to stay… I feel and hear my heartbeat race as my tears go down my cheeks. I can taste them in my mouth. All of a sudden, my heart beats so fast, I’m having trouble breathing. It feels like my leg is twitching so I open my eyes. I’m awake in bed!! My heart is still racing, I’m crying and I have to concentrate on my breathing. My first thought, my Mom came to see me. It was NOT a dream, I know it!!! I’m 100% sure…no, 200% sure!!!

I wrote this here in my Dream Journal. Did I have that thought in dream or when writing it? I wake up my husband beside me (still feeling overwhelmingly sad) and recite the whole incident. I don’t know if maybe I’m talking too fast or he thinks I’m crazy… ha ha. Either way, he listens and supports my belief. Telling him just doesn’t seem enough. I grab the nearest pen and paper- writing everything down…pacing and pacing, until a descent hour to call my brothers.

It doesn’t take much convincing, they believe me too. As you’ve read, I come from a very spiritual family. I even think my conversation has helped to inspire on such a depressing date. My brother, Bobby and I decide to call each other on every anniversary date. It’s just too hard facing alone. I’m so positively sure my mom actually visited me, I start researching. There MUST be someone else out there who had the same experience. I stumbled upon and sought out many different websites. I had no choice to surf the web because my Catholic religion has no explanation. Actually 80% of religions don’t even identify the subject. I can honestly say NDE.com saved me. I’m not crazy or ‘grasping at straws’. There’s always someone out there to relate to… you are NEVER alone in your experiences!

A couple months go by and my brother, Brian calls me. His voice sounds very anxious and tense. I’m thinking something is very wrong, especially for being so early in the morning. He starts to tell me about a dream he himself had a couple hours ago. The conversation lasted for hours, literally, hours! He’s positively overwrought and takes time to calm his nerves (assuming I did). I will let you hear this story from him….

My name is Brian; I will discuss a certain but disturbing dream. It was early September and I was going through my own life’s hardships. I had moved in with my very good friend’s house and his family. I strongly believe every one of us in our family has a certain distinguished trait. There are four of us total and we each have a gift different from another. Usually, when one has an experience we share it with one another to dissect. So, one night I had very surreal and almost demonic dream that needed such analyzing. That night I woke up very sweaty, but frozen and unable to function (possibly few minutes!). I laid there on the couch incoherent of reality or consciousness… just motionless.

This dream takes place in a location that’s always familiar us, our old house in San Antonio. My brother and I were standing in the front yard talking. I noticed there were a lot of people walking on our street. ALL of them were just staring at us as they pass or approach us. As my brother recognized, we were already heading towards the door. The moment we turned our backs to enter it- these individuals started running and chasing us!! We were just inches away as my brother walks through, but, I don’t make it! I just remember being grabbed from my back collar and thrown about 50 feet!! As many times as I tried to get up

and run, the abuse just continued. Being tossed further and further away from my house, I was beaten across my face and entire body. I kneeled, looked up and see my eldest sister that I haven’t seen in almost 10 years. Unknowingly, she walks towards the house. I use this time to allow the beating to continue. I’m hoping this distraction will prevent them from seeing her. It was just too late! She was noticed and was attacked to leave me barely moving. You see… I am well aware of these so called dream phenomenon’s, where one can conquer their demons or bully. MY GOD, I DID IT!!!! I got up and ran and never felt so alive and invincible. I was picking them up like weeds and throwing them down the street just to save her. Once she was able to get inside, my brother grabbed me and took me inside as well. Now, all four of us are inside the house and really freaked out with a lot of questions. One thing I failed to mention that these individuals had a gold’ish glow emanating from them. Their jaws dropped to their chest and skin from their faces just sagged as if it were shedding off. I know we didn’t have a fireplace in this house, but there was one in my dream. My Moms religious statues (Jesus, Lady of Guadalupe and Pope John II) were seated above. I quickly ran to them and prayed and prayed, as if they could listen and help. When suddenly a woman walked in from the locked front door and smiled at me. Of course, I ran to her making sure she wasn’t attacked from the people outside. She replied there was nobody outside and she was fine. I looked out the window but could still see them, and with such hate in their eyes. I don’t know this woman who calmly walks inside. She assures me that everything is going to be just fine and tries to calm me down. She continues with the same line…”everything is fine sweetie”. I can’t help but notice that she is wearing an old 50’s getup. With a poodle on her skirt, white clover collar shirt and an old beehive hairstyle. Her presence alone help calm me down and think rationally. I ask if she’s here to help. Her responses are mainly repetitive, but reassures me that everything is just fine followed by a “sweetie” comment. I look across the room and no one even notices her presence, as if I’m the only one talking to her. I quickly come to my judgment and ask if she was an Angel to help? She replies “they tell me you are so sweet and so smart and you believe in them.” We have a conversation about the TRUTH of dying and heaven. I just remember she answered all my questions and everything seemed to be just so clear about how life is. I was in Awe with everything she had told me – it made so much sense. I can recall that our lips never even moved in this conversation, no one in that room ever notices her. Just then, there is a knock on the door. I quickly run to answer it- thinking maybe someone else needs my help. She calmly tells me not to answer the door, “please” she says. I tell her that I may be able to help others, but her responses become more dominate and begs me not answer it. Well… I still answer, just to find no one around at all. I step outside and look around to find a cardboard box about a foot in length. I grab it and quickly run back inside. Even with her frowns, my curiosity gets the best of me. As I’m opening the box she repeats saying not to. Well, with her disapproval, I look inside and find a gun. It is completely silver with dark gray almost black handle and still warm. I ask her what the gun is for and I can tell she doesn’t want to say anything. She mumbles words that’s hard to make out. In time, I’m able to decipher what she was saying- “I told you not to answer the door! I told you not to answer the door!” I asked her what she meant by that. She replies “Travis shot and killed himself and I told you not to open the box!!” Travis is my nephew at about 23 yrs. old. I quickly ball and couldn’t accept that he is dead. Knowing I had to tell his mom, I wanted to tell my Brother first. Perhaps, he could help me tell my sister that her son had passed. I turn in my brother’s direction to let him know what I know. He dropped to his knees and yelled out “No, no, no, this can’t be happening!” This point of time, I was thinking I might have to tell her alone. I walk towards my sister and tell her the not so good news. SHE drops to her knees and just starts yelling and screaming “No, He’s dead, He’s dead!!” I wake up.

There I was lying on the couch sweating and incoherent of dream to reality at 3am. I call my brother over and over again, with no answer. I call my sister over and over again. I’m finally able to reach both of them and told them my dream. It took me a whole pack of cigarettes to reach the part about my nephew. I know it was just a dream, but we as a family, have some intense one that usually has meaning behind them for us to dissect.

I know you’re probably inclined to think it was just a strange dream. That’s okay for now. Make sure you remember this page. Further down you’ll want to analyze every word… I did! Either way I thought about it, again, I’m 1400 miles away and helpless to prevent anything. I’m sure; my son was puzzled why all of us tended to him more often. Whatever we thought he needed. In 2009, tragedy hits me once again. My husband lost his electrical job. Layoffs came quick and very widespread. Seems many of his friends and coworkers got their “pink slips”, leaving a skeleton crew. His specific trade of being an electrician; was hit hard by the economy and very difficult to find work. We had to adjust our living so my paycheck could cover our bills. My setbacks weren’t finished with me yet. Complications from my own employer led to me not having a job too! As bad as I would like to speak about everything that happened, the adult in me will be more responsible. Making sniper scopes for a rumored end to a war threatened the company’s welfare. That, I do understand, can put an unimaginable amount of stress on an individual. If that was the only case, maybe. The owner had deep personal problems that trickled down. Eventually, I reported all the abuse and won judgment. Adding my own unemployment benefits with my husbands’ kept us afloat temporarily.

I was excited to embrace the opportunity of working full time on my Charity. My brothers and I created the nonprofit ‘MISS CONNIES ANGELS’. This was in honor of my mom (Connie) to help children. I studied (many months) laws governing the guidelines. I organized Board members and filed LLC. It was worth every second to focus my attention on something beneficial. I believe that same focus help direct my brothers on a similar positive path of distraction. While functioning, we waited to obtain our 3yr budget plan. In that time, my Board members could not even make a
decision without some sort of power struggle. Missing opportunities and not having proper framework led to its breakdown. I eventually informed everyone it was legally dissolved as they advised.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE

When I thought we hit our emotional ‘Rock Bottom’; something else transpired. My brother, Bobby, received but missed a call on his cell phone. He told me about it, because when he looked at the number he was completely dumbfounded!!! It showed my mom’s old work phone from 3yrs ago and even left him a message! Yes! Left a message! WHAT! I quickly hang up with him so I can listen too. After punching in the numbers with my fat fingers messing up 210-652—I hear “Hi. This is Connie; I can’t get to the phone right now…” Oh, my GOD, it was absolutely wonderful to hear her voice. We could listen to it every time we dialed the number. Since no one ever actually answered the phone, it was difficult for us to find out why this happened. We couldn’t just walk into the office, being it was located inside an Air Force base. We used sources at the telephone company who narrowed it down exactly! That specific line was handled as and connected to the FAX machine. So… how did it call Bobby? It ended up retreating back to its original fax purpose, but did allow us about 2 weeks to listen to her voice. Possibly another sign, phenomenal experience…hmm?

 

 

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I wish the feeling of awe could have lasted longer. Our financial chaos seemed to come to light. The definition of temporary is not permanent. Unfortunately, our benefits could no longer pay our bills. We cut out cable TV, switch to liability coverage insurance… Once there could be no more cutbacks, our mortgage came to surface. We tried desperately to qualify for any Homeowners Assistance Program to no avail. Even though we were in communication with our mortgage company, they automatically proceeded towards Foreclosure!! Once again, I could write another book solely on the subject of deficiencies within our government. You are pre-warned; there will be many notations throughout this book. Bobby and I spoke many times about the way we perceive (learned) the structure of our government, police force, healthcare…etc.

It seems as time goes by, it’s not any easier to swallow my losses and hardships. Dedicating my thoughts and energy to my charity, still leave an opening for negativity and depression to seep in. All my hardships are starting to materialize and cloud my mental view. I found myself submerged in despair, which was getting hard to overcome. Not only did it seem the world was closing in on me, I must have fallen in!! I’m in a big, black sinkhole – unable to scratch my way to the surface!! Silly doctor classifies it and gives me anti-depressants. (Lexapro). Naw, I can’t be depressed. Putting me in this category is discouraging. I take the medication, but, my charity requires me to multi task. This “cure” seems to keep me from being able to perform more than one action. I hate it, all I want and can do is think and be calm. I pride myself on being proficient, meeting deadlines and just being energetic. My Board members and family curiosity makes them boldly ask what’s going on with me? Sheeze… no more of those for me.

To make things worse, the local sheriff came to our house with official notice of Foreclosure! I tried numerous times to reach and work something out with GMAC Mortgage Company. Seven days till our house was to be banked owned, we packed as quickly as we could. On the tail end of those days, we noticed a man drive up to our property and take pictures. Poor man, he does not realize the anger and tension he is facing. In the process of confronting him, we ended up befriending him. He heard our house was to be on the market through the realty company he worked for. He miraculously became the liaison between the mortgage company and us. What a WONDERFUL man!! He was able to settle on an agreed price to qualify for a ‘Short Sale’. (Definitely sent him a Christmas card… ha ha)
With the help from my Father, we bought a great truck from Texas. My brothers, Brian and Bobby set aside time to actually drive it from San Antonio to Virginia in such a small time frame! Didn’t take much convincing, Bobby seem stressed and anxious to travel the open road. I was so excited to have them come. I needed them! Having their support through the real estate process of Short Sale (people coming to look at my house) was so awesome; we still managed to have fun together. We planned a trip to visit our old childhood house in Clinton. I briefly wrote about the place and the Ouija board. This house has many more stories. I’d love to share them for those who are interested in Ghosts.

In 2009 was our last day and night in our home. Closing is scheduled the next afternoon. It’s going by so fast, were still packing and moving our items into storage as it gets dark. It’s time to decide and debate what items we cannot take with us. Our storage is completely filled and not enough time to drive over to my husband’s grandparents’ house. The new owner is so nice; I couldn’t help but get along with him. He would gladly let us leave anything we wanted. Moving is strenuous alone, but crunch time on an event you don’t want to happen, is horrendous! Taking deep breathes is not curing my anxiety because the loss of my house is overpowering. The only thing I can think of is to grab a piece of my ‘back burner’ to help cope. Dangerous as it may be, I let some of my sorrow seep in from my mother’s death. It seemed sensible to allow this pain to stream towards the existing pain. I don’t want to create another loss related anxiety attack. Losing my mom versus my house is what I cloud my thoughts with. When I broke it down, I realized my very special friend, my one and only mom is no longer here anymore! Not having a house was just material, and so was all my belongings. When I leave this world, when I die, they are not going with me. I’ve heard this saying before, but NOW I fully understand. Having that on my mind helped relieve the agony of moving.

I think my husband and I took two energy drinks that day to keep up! Since we anticipated our last storage trip to end after dark, we left our porch lights on. Exhaustively, we make our way up the long six hundred and fifty foot driveway. We start to see tiny shadows circling the porch. Both of us see it because my husband said, “What is that?” The garage opens as we get closer see these tiny shadows flying in the garage too!! Quickly jumping out of the car, he grabs the video camera. Finally! I’m proving whatever this is, really happened! It’s a lot of birds! They are flying full speed, pounding their heads on the wall and ceiling. I don’t understand why they willingly hurt themselves. Bloodspots are left every time they crash. Good thing I recorded it- it soon stopped. I don’t suppose anyone would fully believe the concept if they couldn’t watch for themselves. What does this mean?? Why were they doing that? A sign, an omen?? Hmmmm

After my husband and I reviewed our choices of where to live, his grandparents’ house seemed to be the most reasonable. It is vacant because of yet another loss, of them both! We expected to help his parents with any work necessary on the future sale. That made us feels better about our situation, being able to keep busy and NOT worthless. I really considered moving between there and back to San Antonio. It was starting to feel like I needed to be there. Relocating short term, to Maryland, was our best option for everyone at the time. Living in Owings, Maryland was another stumbling block to overcome. Being in a small city and winter season, made it hard for my husband and I to find employment. The twelve months there, seemed stagnant. I wouldn’t say that it put us back physically, but possibly mentally. All that downtime forced us to think about our losses. Each month, each day started turning into the same. I know I had to leave and felt this enormous tug to go back to San Antonio. My conversations with my brother, Bobby became more frequent. I would listen to him talk about his new house, his future plans or frustrations with caRX swindling him. Our views of society were starting to match up even stronger, and could talk for hours about religion and government. I missed my kids, and my regret of not being closer to them was overwhelming.

Since my mom’s passing, reality smacked me hard. All the bad decisions and choices I made bounce around my head constantly! I want to be with my children, my family- I want to go home. When I share my thought with Bobby, he is ecstatic! It feels right. He quickly offers for my husband and I (with a doggy) to stay with him and his girlfriend. Knowing we both had to ask our significant others, didn’t matter. We knew it was going to happen. He had painting and re-arranging to do on his end, and we furiously packed and moved on ours. Yes!! Keep moving, working, keep busy towards a goal. My husband and I already have most of our remaining stuff organized to move or give away. All of our concentration was on strapping our furniture to the trailer and routing our cross country drive. Here we come!

After the long and grueling drive, I was embarrassed to be lost entering his neighborhood. The city built a brand new crossover in between highways and I missed our exit. The North East side of town looks different! Darn it, so close! Once we pulled up in the driveway, our mattress was the first to go in! We could smell the aroma of Thanksgiving. We drove fast enough to even spare a day before the actual holiday. It didn’t seem to matter, time just flew by. It was a little crowded, especially adding a dog to 2 cats they had. Nevertheless, we Laughed and enjoyed spending time together. I thought it was kind of healing to be able to talk to my brother about our mutual losses. The conversation stretched to (as mentioned) our thoughts of society and how he felt a calling to be a preacher. We both started sharing our doubts about Catholicism, so I was stunned. He mentioned it before, but now we have the time to talk about it. He felt being a preacher would not entirely reflect Catholicism (or any one specific religion). He thought many more people would start seeing the flaws in religion and would abandon it. We agreed religious rules and structure should not interfere with having faith. He wanted to energize peoples’ faith in after life existence. It was nice spending time with my family. My husband, brother and I created a list of things to do and work on. We made a pact to stay busy and hopefully get in better shape. I couldn’t help but chuckle when Bobby and my husband dug up the yard in the Texas heat. They used to compare and see who sweated the most. The retaining wall fell and my husband was showing Bobby had to fix it properly. Yea… more busy work helps. Seeing my children and family more was so fabulous. Video games were a common entertainment they all enjoyed together. My daughter and Bobby would team up online to play with my older son. I know he would play late at night to secretly sharpen his skills… ha ha.

Together we would look at the stars with deep conversation to having friends and family BBQ’s. Oh my, the cooking and laughing was an entire day’s event. I loved it!!

The weekend comes, and I know Bobby has plans to go out that evening with his girlfriend. They picked a local bar to watch the San Antonio Spurs play, he’s a big sports fan! My husband and I also have big plans to figure out the Wi-Fi printer… Yea! Bobby was cooking his usual borracho beans all morning and finally shared his secret ingredient. We joked around, laughing here and there before they left. My husband and I had a nice quiet night and decided to watch a movie in bed.

We fell asleep because the next thing I recall is hearing my brothers’ girlfriend yelling. The slammed doors and cabinets did not disguise the obvious anger it took to close them. I never heard her shout so loud, that listening any longer did not seem right. I stepped out of bed and slipped on my sweater. Telling my already awake husband, that I was going to find out what’s wrong. Closing the door softly behind me, I walk out of my room. I’m standing there in the living area waiting to hear anything, but it looked like they already retreated to their own room. It is quiet enough for me to hear my husband also come out and step behind me. Still, I hear no sound, until the wood floor under my feet kind of trembles. I listened to a somewhat soft, muffled bang resonate in the air. “What the hell was that?” Then I heard my brother whisper to me, “SSSH…IM OKAY, SSSH…IM OKAY!” I look around but I don’t see him, where is he? I heard it three times, but obviously, he was not in the room.

Then I hear his girlfriend, “R”, starts screaming my name “Linda, Linda!!” at the top of her lungs. Just as I take a couple steps in the direction of their room, she runs out, still screaming my name. She gets closer, for me to get a better look -Oh my God!! Oh my Fucking God!! Holy Shit!! Her hands are covered in blood! What the FUCK!?! She continues to run toward me in attempts to hug and talk to me at the same time. I feel her shaking as she is still yelling out my name in front of me “Linda, Linda!” I push her out to ask “What!? Where’s Bobby? What happened?!” It’s at that moment I took notice the blood on her hands continued in her hair, it swept all over her robe; it’s everywhere to spread on ME!! She is shaking so much I can’t understand what’s coming out of her mouth. I give up, and make my way to their bedroom; I cannot wait to decipher her words when I see so much blood. Not having to run far, I stopped dead in my tracks. I don’t have to enter, because the door was open and I could see through to the closet. In less than a second my heartbeat tripled, my body shook hysterically and screams came out of my mouth that I did not even recognize! “Ah, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!” Oh my God!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Not my brother, Bobby, Bobby!

Stupid cell phone would not connect to the emergency service, so I ran. I continued screaming outside to make it across the street. I didn’t care to knock, but pounded on the front door of our neighbors.

“Don’t go back over there, stay on the line with me,” is ringing in my ear. My own screaming and heartbeat wasn’t just inside me – I think I was yelling in the phone and at the neighbors. I tried to hand her back the phone to run back home and be with my brother. But, the dispatcher orders her to keep me here. “Who are YOU to say no!!?!” I thrashed around so much; it took her husband to hold me down as they instructed. Since the words ‘been shot’ was used, must have induced a certain procedure..?? My screams go deafening as the police pull up, and a high pitch tone in my head makes my voice seem like it wasn’t me- someone else far away.

One moment I’m at the neighbors and the next feels like the air around me moves so fast to carry me across the street. I approached the two cops standing by my front door. As I get closer, I see they are just standing there telling each other jokes and laughing!!!! I shout; “where’s the ambulance, why aren’t you helping him?!” Reply: “Ma’am there is no ambulance dispatched because he’s gone.” Just like that, the coldness in his voice matched the hatred I felt seeing the casual conversation among them. I tried to speak, but my chest was so heavy that words couldn’t get through. No air was getting through and everything was in slow motion!

How was I to call my Dad, my brother..? What do I say? I had no choice but to give the phone to my husband. “Just tell him to come.”  I don’t remember saying anything, just feeling my husband try to catch me fall. No more, no more energy, no more breathe.

Following their allegiance to police procedure (I’m sure), my husband had guns pulled on him, frisked and both of us placed in separate police cars (for 6 hours)! Okay, I knew protocol would be to separate all of us, but… why won’t they let me out? I see my dad pull up behind the crime scene tape, but he can’t hear my banging on the window. Why cant I talk to him and explain that Bobby is… Geeze, are those ASSHOLE cops gonna even bother telling him in between their laughs??? I still had my cell phone (that didn’t work earlier) so I tried calling him. Not answering, I call my brother, Brian. Still unable to gather words, all I could say to him was “Bobby, HE’S DEAD, HE’S DEAD!!” That’s it. My own words and body failed me!! I went totally hysterical. I kicked and screamed from the locked cop car. “Let me Out!!” I want out, I want out! My life will change from this point forward, forever!

 

Chapter 4  Shattered Within

Why isn’t time moving or healing? It doesn’t seem to work that way for me, every day is the same as the one before. Once Bobby was gone, living was unbearable; but living in his house was excruciating! Even though Brian moved in to support us all, the confusion (I believe) turned into anger between me and “R”. Nothing felt right, which stimulated more aggression. I know people grieve in different ways and I shouldn’t judge- so I won’t.

But… I flat out refuse to believe Bobby, my brother; took his own life. It just simply isn’t true. I go over and over what she explained in my head with no solace. I go over and over the autopsy, my memories, anything for answers or clues. I will never stop, even as I write this journal now! I won’t let it go; I can’t let it go because everything inside me is the one in control.

My husband and I took the opportunity to move out. My dad received an offer on his house for sale. (In the past, Bobby had plans to help him move his belongings and relocate when the time came) It couldn’t have come at a better time, tensions were high! We were all actually surprised of not only the timing, but how quick the whole settlement process flew. We all gathered to clean and pack, trying to soak in every last second with each other. I fought to change my living arrangements, but the contemplation of leaving my sons and brothers didn’t seem fair. Brian was handling the business of the headstone and his job- doing a balancing act. My sons seemed just as angry as I, how could I leave them all? I was only there 6 months and again, I am moving! I want to be a better mother, better sister and daughter. That wish is still there and I try real hard, but it’s more difficult when I have to move a thousand miles away.

One of the last nights there something odd happened. I was finishing my research that night on how I could have heard the voice of someone already passed. Powering down the laptop and setting it back on the table, I turned toward the door to leave. The computer flashes in the corner of my eye. Desktop icons were changing in size, repeatedly as the light flashed brighter. I stood in front of it, trying to power off again; but the sequence just got faster and faster. I yelled for my husband to come look at what I saw. He enters the room just as all the icons were so big, each one took up the whole 17” screen. It was flashing so quick that eventually it just showed white. In between the blinking a picture started to form on the screen. My husband and I stood there confused, but interested what was next; that we didn’t move. The strobe-like effect slowed down to finally see the picture it was displaying. A photograph of Bobby stayed there, getting bigger and bigger. I don’t remember having the picture in my computer before. We both took the computer out for ‘R’ to witness and get her opinion. She is holding the laptop in her hands to see- nothing. It absolutely stopped to show a black screen. A sign, phenomena?

Reflecting back on the decision to move with my Dad has its good and bad points. He needed help and is hurting like the rest of us. It doesn’t matter if you lose a son, a brother or an uncle; it all causes suffering. After all was said and done, we hoped a new environment would somehow ease the pain. I moved to a beautiful state with breathtaking views, I assume anyone would love to see. Nature has always given me some peace in the past. Regrettably, my bitter inner fury and gloom succeeded over any type of content. If I’m not sad, I’m angry; very angry! Not having a job, friends and new surroundings makes me kind of a recluse. Is it bad to say (or feel) that I prefer it that way? The thought alone of having to interact with another human being on any level or subject, repulses me!

I know everyone else hurts, but somehow I’m stuck! What is wrong with me? I look around and see life moving for everyone else, however I want no part of it. My dad is enjoying his long time goal of a new atmosphere. My sister gets to go back to her house, family, job and the awe of someone new in her life. Brian has successfully forced himself to return to work and also continue his education. My daughter has embarked on her teenage years, which gives her opportunity to create new and exciting memories. Even my wonderful husband has forced himself to find a job to support us. I am so thankful he is patient and understanding. Before we reunited, he lost his brother also. I used to try and help him reconnect with others and see the beauty in life. I guess I wasn’t aware, then, how deep pain can go. When I think about it now, guess I do have another emotion. It humbles me to see how he and his family try to help ME, even in their own continued mourning. That humility makes me realize- I  haven’t been the greatest mother, daughter or sister in law. I’m sorry.

Damn, I just discovered I’m not good at anything! I feel my husband, daughter and father don’t like being around me. Who can blame them, I’m always negative with such a pessimistic attitude. It’s rare to see a smile or even a laugh come out of me as hard as I try. Solitude seems to be what I’m complacent with. My head is already crowded with all my sorrow and morbid thoughts that reaches through to my heavy heart and weighs me down. See, only enough room for me and my new concept of reality!

How, how could Bobby of given up and not shared with me his extent of dismay? I thought we shared all our feelings and worked through them together as a team. Did he surpass me and I didn’t see the sign, hear between the lines? NO!! He was always the person that gathered us together for any type of celebration and the one to make sure your drink was never empty. He would turn the music up loud and make everyone laugh so hard we doubled over. I could never forget my Mexican heritage as he would always try to sing Mariachi songs or my moms’ favorite Vicente Fernandez.

Having such ambition in life, he achieved a black belt in martial Arts (Tae Kwon Do) to pursue his career in security. No! No! Here comes the darkness again, this horrible cloud that I swear, literally succumbs me.

It’s a vicious circle to get out of, just to have it suck me back in. If I smile or laugh to catch a glimpse beyond it, it instinctively reminds me of my location- over here, in this cloud. I’m starting to think ‘stuck’ doesn’t represent where I am anymore, I’m trapped! Maybe one day my screams will be heard on the outside.  Naw, I don’t believe my brother ended his own life! If he felt like this, like me now; I would have noticed something.

I call the detective (again) on the case to get a copy of the police report, any report. It’s been months since the case was closed and even longer since he’s returned my call. How can that be? The movies just don’t portray detective work correctly. The cops that responded that night sucked!!! But the Detective was worse!! God- I wish I could tell you his name! No matter. Acquiring my dad’s own curiosity, he was able to go beyond unanswered calls and reach his superior. In the quick conversation, we were assured a reply from Dec. ‘M’. Once we finally spoke to him, we were shocked to find out my brothers case is not closed!

As we start talking about events of that night, he can’t answer my questions! They made a point of doing residue testing on my husband and I, (in front of my family still waiting for answers behind the crime scene tape) but he doesn’t know where or if testing was done on my brother or his girlfriend?? SO, I was held in a police car for six hours having to deal with the sudden death of my brother alone, so they could do their investigation… that was possibly not even done?!?!  Converse Police Department is inadequate! Bexar County is inadequate!!!!  All these things start coming to my mind as I share with the Detective ‘M’. (I won’t do specifics) Even though, it’s nice to let out what is in my mind, Detective ‘M’ states the case isn’t closed because ‘R’ refuses to take a polygraph test or even another interview. He, himself is having difficulty getting calls returned. My instructions are to wait on him to get back to me. I know my brother was dealing with a lot and under pressure. I have the impression that night was intensified with their combined frustration of the argument, reaching its limit. I am hoping one day his case is closed and I’m satisfied.

Have you ever noticed how the mind keeps nursing the cuts of a ‘broken heart’? Always running the story of what happened to us, continuously gnawing on the “what ifs”. Like my tongue constantly returning to a hole from a tooth; just removed by a dentist. It just won’t let go, can it? I visit all these places, grand in nature, even on some people’s bucket list. Why can’t I enjoy it and appreciate its marvel? It does not matter where I live or what I’m doing, my heart will not let me take that pleasure. GOD, it just hurts so freakin’ bad!! I have this impression of being very small, tiny inside this dark space that covers me. I can feel it sooo DEEP, it’s making my whole lower abdomen tremor as my ears start to ring and buzz louder. What is different or wrong with me?

Maybe, I have some sort of brain tumor to match the one I had near my heart. Persistent stomach pain finally led me to see a Doctor, back in 2006. It was the time my husband and I were fully covered under health insurance. Going along with all the tests, I was scheduled for an MRI. I’ve had one before, so the actual appointment appeared normal. Incredibly, I received a letter from the Radiology Department quicker than they even specified. All read normal until I came across the word “mass” of something. That was it. Apparently, the area in question was cut off from the picture enough, to display the edge of an object that did not belong. The response from the second test made me answer the phone when Doctor Vaughn called the very next day. Holding in his hands, were the results of my test which he recited briefly, but very to the point. The Magnetic Resonance Imagine showed a “mass between seven and nine centimeters large.” It apparently rests in an area beyond his expertise. Even though I had so many questions, all I could do was listen. I jotted down all the information for the appointment he already made with, Doctor Stam, a cardiologist. Two days I had to wait before the meeting was scheduled.

Two days!!! I know others have waited longer, as I respect, but; forty eight hours of non- stop anxiety is grueling! His office was not hard to find since I did a practice run earlier, in anticipation. For once, a parking spot was not only available; it was right in front of the entrance! Good, because I could not be more in a hurry to find out what is inside me! Did I swallow something that grew, was it cancer, how did it get there? With all my fears, I stepped through the door of his office. There was not any time to lose weight or shrink, but I swear it felt like I could have measured only inches high.

Everything and everybody seemed so much larger than me. Making my way to the window, I recite my name to the receptionist. Geeze, the small amount of words coursed my throat like sand. All my other correspondences were given with a slow motion nod; that did not bother nor surprise any of the nurses. I do not think I can speak without showing how petrified I am. I was not even embarrassed to hand over some forms I filled out with shaky writing. My arms barely touched the chair rests to sit back down, and a nurse with pink scrubs appears at the doorway. She says my name out loud, “Linda Donnelly?” Jumping back up, not as if I had won the lottery; but even the sound of my own name startled me. I am led to the back room, which looks like it may be the Doctors’ actual office.

Again, with the pacing, things were moving along too quickly. That was it! I could not sit in the chair and look at the pretty pictures on the wall anymore. Actually, I could not sit altogether, because my heart felt like it was pounding its way out of me. What did they find? Am I going to die?? OH, I should have prepared more! Hearing the small tap on the door finally brought a deep breath into my lungs. A middle aged man wearing a three piece suit, walk in and introduced himself. No time for pleasantries was the impression I got, as he sat down at his desk with my file and x-rays in his hands. As he glanced through them I was not sure if he was reading to himself or trying to think of a way to break some awful news to me. He then stood up and walked toward me, pulling up the other chair to sit down.

“Do you know what a Teratoma is”, he asked. “A what”, I thought and said out loud. I was diagnosed with having a tumor since the time of my birth. This tumor grew along with me, sucking up all my nutrients my entire life. This is referred to as a Teratoma, situated between my right lung and heart. I was shocked to find out it is laying over my lung with so much pressure to affect its function! I am urged to schedule surgery within two weeks before my lung loses its’ ability to function and collapses!! Wow, maybe the idea of swallowing something would have been better to handle. Doctor Marc Stam picks up his desktop calendar and places his finger on 3 days away!! “Can you make arrangements for this date”, he says. Well… I think the real question should be, “Can YOU make arrangements for that date?” I have had three children, survived three car accidents, sought treatment for pain in the past; and never have Doctors seen this “mass”? Now, in approximately two weeks my lung could be flattened!

As usual, my fear obscured any tone of reason I wanted to portray. Even though my Mom is by far, overwhelmed, I hear her confident expression; “everything will be ok.” My family did not hesitate and packed their suitcases. My Mom, Dad, brother (Brian), my son and daughter drove over 1300 miles in one car; to help me face seventy percent odds.

Ok, now I want you to count down from ten, please. I took a big breathe before starting and hoped it was not gonna be my last voluntary one. Happy thoughts, I try, happy thoughts… Boom! I wake up absolutely freezing and see my family all around me. My Mother-in law was able to drive up and be there too! Reacting so thankful, I try to lift myself up to hug them all until I am tugged back. Oh, my goodness, there are tubes under my blanket attached to this pumping machine! A catheter, maybe? Slowly lifting up my blanket, I traced it going under my robe. Hmm, kind of thicker tubes for that, I thought as I raised the corner to take a peek. Ewh, what are those? I wished I could have been told of having chest tubes beforehand, for the very least of the shock value. Of all the pain from recovery, I will state, removal of my chest tubes were, downright the worst!!

After the extraction of my teratoma, I was told of its’ certain ‘qualities’. The size was larger than anticipated and one of my nerves was somehow wrapped in it. The doctor had to inform me of future “discomfort”. But, that is not the biggest characteristic to mention. The laboratory was fast to examine this accumulation of growth, not to be malignant. However, when this grapefruit sized mass was opened; everybody was taken aback. They sifted through human hair to also find some teeth! Oh, my goodness!! It did actually grow along with me, possibly a twin inside me?? I don’t need to go any further than that… I try not to visualize it at all.

So, if the tumor does not answer what is wrong with me; maybe I have some type of ability. It is a fact that not every human brain operates the same way. I have been told and read certain abilities can be hereditary and passed down generations. I witnessed the power of prayer along with my mom’s hand to achieve what medicine could not. You have read that I am not the only family member to have certain visions, visits and premonition dreams. I wish one day, I could reunite with my extended family to explore more. Maybe you are reading an insight to a severely depressed person. You, my readers, will be my crutch on getting better. Perhaps this feeling is normal after losing someone close and being a part of the crime scene. I have never felt such long lasting misery that I could not stumble through- I feel BROKEN. It really frightens me how long some of my episodes can last, giving lots of time to always replay the event. Maybe, I’m all of the above…ha ha.

I honestly, think it is time to find answers and no more excuses. I cannot keep going on like this. I am scared. My own thoughts rationalize the odds of how this world does not need me. Last tally, the odds were not in my favor. I demand to find out WHERE my brother, Bobby is. Since he spoke to me after his death, meant he still exists; he is still some where!! I bet my life on it!! If I can prove that, I should be able to explain (or try to) life after death. Could any of my (our) phenomena’s really happen? I must stop doubting they occurred so I can figure out how and why instead. I know what I have seen, what I have heard and dreamt. No time like the present to find those answers and have my brother, Bobby, is my inspiration!

• Chapter 5 Catholicism – Belief in Divinity or Deception

Okay, time to wipe some tears and pretend to move on. I’m Pissed, hurt, depressed- I freak’n want answers!! Knowing the concept of catholic views on life existence, death and suicide, it’s time to reflect. This is me, trying, to give religion a chance to fulfill those answers. Can a probe into the Catholic teachings and the Scriptures of the Holy Bible gratify a previous dedication? Maybe, if I start from the beginning and really analyze, I will understand. Did I miss something growing up; can my religion explain my experiences? I am fixed on getting legitimate resolution to life and after death. I NEED to go beyond faith, I can’t continue wishful thinking. The night my brother, Bobby passed away is always on my mind. How did I hear Bobby whisper “SSH…IM OKAY” after he died and being in another room?

I’m positive what I heard; my mind replays that scene constantly. I recall even turning around to try and see him. I heard my brother speak to me after he died!! Why didn’t my husband or ‘R’ hear him? I have decided to take some phenomenal experience and apply it to the same religious answers I’m looking for. It has been awhile since I thought back on being more devout. I ask myself, how did it start? Learning this religion was all I have ever known.

I was born to Concepcion Marie Wells (Gonzalez). The most generous, wonderful hearted soul I will EVER come across! I feel proud to not only say her name, but to know she was my Mother. Rarely, can I recall a memory of any arguments. You’ve heard the advice said over and over: “Parents should not be friends with their kids, but be the parent.” I don’t agree with that now or then. She WAS my friend; I could always talk and turn to her anytime and age of my life. Yet, she had a swift hand of discipline. That woman could chase you up steps so quick- you swear her feet never touched a one! It does not stop at a friend and discipline.

At the age of sixteen, I was enthusiastic about getting my first job. Having new friends and responsibility attracted my eagerness to do more than my share. I came in before a scheduled shift to help my supervisor prepare for a big wedding reception. His gratitude (?) spilled over to a ‘jokingly pat’, that instantly made me feel awkward. I tried working in another area, keeping my distance and wishing he would just disappear. Avoiding him in the tiny coffee room was not a good solution. He noticed me and approached so quickly, the only thing that reacted was my thumping heartbeat. I tried to leave or at the very least get around him, but his body itself, barricaded that opening. I went from feeling awkward to being afraid. I can’t move either direction, what do I do?? He starts to in lean closer which tickled my ear with his breathe. I think he is whispered something, but all I heard were my own thoughts. I sensed both his arms lift up slowly on each side to rub against me. My adrenalin kicked in, because I pushed him hard enough for me to find that gap and run away.

Embarrassment rushed over so suddenly, as if someone covered me with a blanket. I looked in the mirror thinking it was showing on my face somehow. There I sat in the parking lot, hiding in my car, until an excuse to miss my shift came up. Did anyone see; do I have to face him again? If no one saw, then I am not forced to talk about what happened while they stare at me. Careful planning; allowed me to stay up in my room hours before and during any scheduled days of work. Yay, I am so slick, that my parents are not aware of any problems. The next week my mom notices the time to myself and point blank, puts me on the spot. Her first question was, “who are you avoiding at work?” During the time I am revealing what took place, I start to see the same color red in her cheeks from when I looked at myself in the mirror.

In seconds, she was out of her pajamas and gesturing for me to get in the car with her. Not having much choice, we drove to my job in silence. Even as we are walking through the back employee entrance, not a word! There I sat next to my mom, in the General Managers’ office; sheepish like a small child. Mr. ‘B’ did not think my story was enough. I am not sure if that meant it was not credible or enough as in, what he did was not too bad? Either way, it lost my attention as co-workers passed by the window arriving for their shifts. With total embarrassment, I picked up my hand and waved to each one. Why am I the only one to feel that way in the room? All of a sudden my mom jumped out of her chair to throw her finger into his face and screamed for action!! I believe HE was the most embarrassed… ha ha. My supervisors “recommended” investigation led to two other girls stepping forward. They were brave enough to document the same confrontation on paper. Our combined effort was ‘enough’ for his termination within months!

Both my brothers and sister share a personal connection with my mom and have their moments. Our closeness gave the impression of five siblings, not really four. She was born in Guadalajara, Mexico, to a large religious family. She had twelve brothers and sisters who shared a strong bond with each other and God. Church and prayers guide their beliefs through life. They are an all-around, loving and kind family. I enjoy thinking back on my memories of all of us laughing and dancing. I am not talking just kids, adults too! Playing volleyball, basketball and even sharing ghost stories….fun. I feel so privileged to have the heritage and such a devoted family in the past. As I grew up, we tried to attend church as much as possible. Our faith in Catholicism guided our views in life too. We were raised believing in Jesus Christ and the Holy Bible. My grandmother (Dads’ mom), who was also catholic, was more devout. She studied and knew every single prayer by heart. (I’d have to say, I was always impressed by her filing and organization). When we were born, all of us were baptized. We prayed to Saints, prayed to God and believed in Sin. It was very comforting to know that Heaven exists and reunions with loved ones, who passed waited. Of course, people who sinned continuously without learning (and did not repent) or “pure evil” in heart, had other paths. As time went on and all of us grew older, we continued to carry those beliefs with us. Catholicism comforted us through many difficult times and confusion. My Mom and I practiced certain skills. Performing telepathy, typically instigated by its mere occurrence. You have heard when people know the phone is going to ring before it does, type of thing? Well, we got so good at it; we knew ahead of time what the other was calling about too.

We would answer the phone, spouting out the answer and trying not to laugh. It was great to have such fun, that I did not realize our improvement until looking back. There was another talent my mom shared with me; after begging of course. I’m not certain if she tried any other objects, but I witnessed her experimenting with a pencil. She laid it on the nightstand and told me to watch. I stood there kind of by myself. My mom had backed up enough to be able to touch the other wall. She really had to walk backwards, because I remember her eyes never left the pencil. There she was, sitting Indian style on the carpet. I said absolutely nothing; I had a hard time deciding to watch my mom or the pencil. She must have been concentrating so hard because it made her expressions new to me. I can’t, in good conscience, say how long we both stayed in that position; because the end is all that’s important. The pencil began to jiggle slightly. Moving up and down a little on one end. so I moved in closer. Now, I could see the little edges (unsharpened part) twirling and it was slowly rotating in the air!! I was still just standing there with my mouth open when I heard my mom start clapping. She was so excited and dancing around. What! I asked my mom if she could teach me to move a pencil without touching it! I was shocked when she agreed for the first time. Yippee!!

A few years before my Moms heart illness, her devotion to Catholicism escalated. The loss of her own Father and Brother over the years, were tough for her to endure. Religion gave her that peace and comfort I mentioned earlier. She formed a relationship with the local Church called, Holy Trinity. Truthfully, some periods in my life did not leave room to accompany her to church. She attended services every Sunday, even befriended parishioner’s and office staff. Not only was she continuously on every prayer chain, people would call her at home for help and guidance. Her nickname- Miss Connie!

As faithful as we were, both of us could not look over a particular happening. My brother-in-law suffered from a mental disorder called Manic Depression, combined with Bipolar. His episodes came and went, leaving an opportunity for his wonderful personality to shine through and give a glimpse of what a fantastic person he truly was. He lost his strength one day and decided to end the fight. Loosing Curt was a crushing blow to me, my family and especially my sister. I did not know then, at sixteen, the deep pain of loss. I realize now the pain my sister must have been going through at such a young age and wish I could have been more support. We all (eventually) understood his continued and extreme pain took over and it just had to end. I never stopped remembering him, the playful guy who made me laugh; as we got caught smoking in school. He has a wonderful son to carry on his remarkable smile. I’m proud of ya…

If that night of February 18 happened as ‘R’ stated, then Bobby’s’ death would be considered suicide also. My moms’ religious concern was its stance on suicide. My family and I were puzzled what our catechism was telling us. A catechism is a like a dictionary to the Catholics Holy Bible. It’s a way to look up meaning or better clarification. Its’ also used as a name for a class. My mom used to teach ‘Catechism’. That meaning extends to teach on the catholic religion as a whole. Here is what this catholic doctrine declares about suicide:

#2280 – everyone is responsible for his life before God who has given it to him. It is God who remains the sovereign master of life. We are obligated to accept life gratefully and preserve it for his honor and the salvation of our souls. We are stewards, not owners of the life God has entrusted to us. It is not ours to dispose of.

#2281- Suicides contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God.

#2282- if suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law. Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.

#2283- we should not despair of the eternal salvation of persons who have taken their own lives. By ways known to him alone, God can provide the opportunity for salutary repentance. The church prays for persons who have taken their own lives.

‘Salutary repentance’ is getting forgiven by God when you make it better and ask for forgiveness from God and those who got hurt from you in a physical or emotional way. We were taught all our lives, the Catholics view of suicide is a sin. To be in either Hell or that repentance to take place in Purgatory, (with no burial right in older times) unless you prayed. Grave psychological disturbances could possibly “diminish his responsibility”. It does not sound like people who commit suicide are easily forgiven, or even at all. How could such a good human being be punished in any circumstance? My Mom never came to terms with an understanding. She prayed, we prayed!

Very recently, I learned a little more about the origins of the Catholic views on suicide. How did it go from what really happened to what eventually was written in the Catechism guidelines?? The history of when suicide was made an “Official Sin” dates back to 364 A.D. Many Christians started joining suicide cults where they would kill themselves outright or try to making themselves be “martyred”. They would start attacking others in an attempt for the victim to take revenge and in turn, attack and kill them. They (one example of MANY was the Circumcellions) thought this would guarantee their sacrifice and place at the right hand of Jesus. This was so well known that people stopped becoming victims and simply kept away from the rumored suicidal. They ultimately gathered together and killed themselves, usually by pushing or jumping off of cliffs!! Before 364 A.D., suicide was frowned upon but not a sin that led you to eternal burning in “Hell!!” Sooo… more prayers Bobby and my brother-in law fall into the specific category of “exceptions”!! Pope Benedict spoke to an audience January 12, 2011 stating, “The soul that is aware of the immense love and perfect justice of God consequently suffers for not having responded correctly and perfectly to that love,” the pope then, added that the SUFFERING is purgatory!!!!

So does that make his possible exception even more inconceivable? I do not agree with anything found on this subject at all! I was taught that Purgatory was indeed a place, a place for salutary repentance to happen. How did that change? Does the church have proof of God making these exceptions, damnation or the meaning of purgatory? Did they submit paperwork and got it approved by God? Again, I want evidence, not wishful thinking! What they told me, I believed, and now I am supposed to just believe something different after hundreds of years? What about Bobby’s voice I heard seconds into his death? That’s a tough one to find referenced in any scripture. Maybe for my lacking a better classification? Not complete knowledge of every scripture? But, failing to come across any story or reference pertaining to the actual event makes it difficult to get my religious answers and direction. I did find this literature that mentions communicating with the dead…

DEU. 18:10-11 (New century version) don’t let anyone use magic to witchcraft. No one should try to explain the meaning of signs, / don’t let anyone try to control others with magic. Don’t let them be mediums or try to talk with the spirits of dead people. DEU. 18:10-12 There shall not be found among you any one that maketh his son or his daughter to pass through the fire, or that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch. Or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. 12 For all that do these things are an abomination unto the Lord: and because of these abominations the Lord thy God doth drive them out from before thee.

I can’t find anything associated with hearing the voice of the dead for a short period. I’m not a medium nor did I conjure anything, unless they count the Ouija board I did with my mom. Gosh, is that my answer, is this my category? I’m not allowed to find meaning in signs or communicate with the dead? I’ve already sinned and an abomination of God; just for seeking answers? They are not going to like the fact I did seek out a medium for answers. Since I was not having much luck with Catholicism, I thought to try hypnosis. Maybe I could relive that single moment and SOMETHING would surface to give me answers and confirmation.

Brian and I decided on a lady that was local and only charged seventy-five dollars. I say that sarcastically, because I thought that was a lot of money for her to be the cheapest! Some mediums charge in the hundreds! That an excessive amount of money to make per hour. I am not a true believer in Mediums, not speaking about the ability itself; but the actual person. I didn’t think it would cause any harm to try a person that I could talk to about Bobby’s voice. I need to know how I heard him, how is it possible and does it mean he is “okay”? Brian and I were nervous, but charged up. We ended up circling the building in the car AND on foot, trying to find her suite. Could I possibly get information on what I heard or small signs I’ve had recently? Brian and I picked out and wrote a couple of phenomena’s we were hoping to learn more about.

She answers the door after the first knock with a big smile. We entered her suite, but it was just a big room. There was a massage looking table to the right surrounded by an assortment of colored rocks and gems. Many posters of various shading art covered not only that side of the room, but extended over the other side. Directly over to the left was a single desk with two chairs in stepping distance of us. As we take our seats, I notice she may practice more in Chakra than hypnosis. (Chakra is a belief in healing using center of vital energy spots in the body) We go through our routine cordials after getting situated, but I don’t feel a need to mention anything on the subject of chakra décor. From the moment we sat, I got the sense of ‘Down to business”. She pulls out a cassette recorder from somewhere in the desk and places it near the lamp on the desk. As she pressed record we hear, “This is … Brooks at private office…” It appears that so many people request and want a recording of their sessions; it has become a standard part of her sittings.

Just as I began my anticipated moment of Bobby’s’ voice, she describes having my brother beside her. She “has no control over the presence that accompanies her.” We get into some brief stories and (somewhat) details of our family through ‘Robby’. Yes, that is not a typo; she insisted my brothers’ name is now Robby. Her explanation sounds reasonable to join his official name of Robert to Bobby; as we called him. Eh, we decide to move on. We tried to overlook mistaken descriptions, because she did pick up on a certain habit my mom had. As she spoke tucking her hands under one another continuously rolling her knuckles on top of another. Some of the general points were that, so general she could not be wrong. I got a little chatty, which may have given away some specifics during earlier emails. It is true, give me a crumb and I will think you have the whole pie! I really wanted to trust her. This woman’s physical descriptions and demeanors of both my mother and brother were correct enough for Brian and I to discuss it.

She did become more passionate about the holiday coming up after a paused concentration or communication period. Describing my brother Robby, dancing around dressed and acting like a bunny rabbit. She stated that he was telling us to get together for Easter to celebrate. We should get together as a family with friends and honor the Easter holiday coming up. Ugh… a celebration was not on the mind of either one of us. We barely had the strength to overcome a standard day. Especially hearing Brian’s dream was (in her opinion) a premonition. I was really quoted as saying “He’s dead…” and a silver gun was used from the glove ‘box’. These were events Brian dreamt one year earlier as I wrote in the first chapter. Hmm.

There we go, having to circle the mismatched parking lot for our car. I am not sure what to think about the last hour, so I definitely do not know what to say. A little chitchat from both of us; deep thought is where we are! So many views are repeating the conversation with the medium all night. I go all through the session, trying to include every detail to my husband. I don’t understand, as I voice the words; they make the event sound different.

I did not realize how much time had passed since I got home. Huh, I did recognize that no one was nearby; looked like everybody went to sleep. It’s time to close my eyes, ready to end the day. Exhaling, slow enough to pretend there is nothing to think about. Nothing to think about… Oh, my gosh! I just remembered about the cassette the medium gave us. Forget sleep, it is time to listen to the tape. Might as well prop up the pillow and get situated. There ought to be at least sixty minutes recorded; both sides were used. A comfortable position, at last; I had to adjust my headphones many times because her jovial laughter would take you by surprise.

Just about to doze off, I hear a whisper in the background. What, Really! I needed to rewind that part and listen again. I heard a male sounding whisper speak before the Medium talks! I finally let the tape continue the session, and I hear it again! I wouldn’t say it was in the background, though. It seemed to be closer to my ear in the headphones.

I should of felt more guilt than I did, but I woke up my husband. I had not felt any excitement in a while and I needed some reassurance. He listens carefully as I play back parts of the tape. He really hears them; it is not just my wishful thinking. Yes, I feel true excitement! Now, it’s time to sleep; ha ha. Early, the next morning, I tell Brian about the whisper in the recording. With confidence, I mention that my husband has already meticulously listened and heard for himself. After pinning his ear to every word, Brian could even make out the difference in voices. We also asked our friend Dana, to listen for anything unusual. He was one of Bobby’s closest friends. Yup, everyone that hears this tape; has caught the whispers. Occasionally, there is a soft toned voice sound that comes audible, just before some of the start of the medium’s sentence. The more I concentrated on just those excerpts; it favored more of a man like murmur. To dissect it in more detail, I would use the form of the sound, “Ask”.

Sometimes it sounds more evident of the word, others; seems more vague in multiple dialogue. What does that mean, what is the question? Could it be a phenomena or somehow staged?

On Easter, we decided to gather some friends and family to have a nice BBQ; in memory of Bobby (and yes, the thought of what the medium said played a part). So many friends came; I take in how long it has been since I have seen some. My husband took his usual position as the cook, which gathered a crowd around him. Thank goodness for everyone bringing what was needed, it felt nice to see everyone have so much fun. We celebrated the old fashioned way with Cascarones, balloons, prize-games and of course; the ultimate Egg Hunt. It ended up being quite the turnout! So, you can imagine the clean up after everyone had their share of food, drinks and laughter. Maybe having a little too much to drink or exhaustion kicking in, but, my husband’s usual wheezing was starting to get worse. We thought he would improve, adding the possibility of just too much smoke from grilling. Unfortunately, he deteriorates to the point of concern from both of us. I know it sounded like nagging, but I strongly tried to get him to go to the hospital.

The moment he realized there wasn’t enough air for him to breathe, he softly tells me “let’s go”. I grab my purse as we head to the car. I barely had enough time to grip the door handle, and he passes out! Dropping to the ground outside! I can’t believe it, thoughts of CPR procedure flash instantly at the exact same time as I run to him. I hold his head, trying to move his shoulders. He woke up suddenly but a little confused. As I attempted to boost him up, I start yelling for Brian to help us. Just as I start dialing 911 on my phone, Brian remembers a hospital that opened less than five minutes away. I can drive there faster than an ambulance can arrive. My husband drifts in and out of conscious making my adrenalin (from fear) flow and press that gas pedal HARD! When I arrived, he was unable to stand or even get himself out of the car. Running through the glass doors yelling to everyone that my husband stopped breathing and I couldn’t carry him; finally got me some assistance!

I learned he only had seconds before his lungs completely shut down, which prompted a nearly weeks’ stay at the hospital. His lungs had filled with fluid, not leaving much room for any air. Doctor diagnoses, was having COPD, asthma, and complications of acquired pneumonia! Needless to say, this forced a slight change in his life, to slow him down. Medications for this illness are overpriced and unachievable! That does not include the Doctors visit or cost of insurance (assuming everyone has some). We will be paying for those bills the rest of our lives! I have to confess, the Doctors, nurses and complete staff at Northeast Methodist Hospital; was ‘phenomenal’, in my opinion. Both my husband and I agree, Kudos to being an exception in my book… he he.

Appropriately, the Medium was half right. Easter was significant, but it was not for a celebration! Instead of getting some ‘sign’ that night or contemplating, this is what my brother wanted; my husband nearly died! Clearly, I knew the necessity to go back and ask this medium. By a wide margin, we all agreed; not to pay another seventy five dollars for that!

Being so trusting, I still wanted to believe her. In an email, I asked the question if there could have been another message. Maybe she did not hear a different one, or decipher correctly? Surprisingly, her reply back was not what I had anticipated. I was told to seek help in dealing with his communication and passing. What!? That’s IT?! I will always believe Bobby was trying to say something and the medium did not interpret correctly.

I think I’ll walk away from her, but that ‘Avenue’ is something I would like to pursue deeper. It was suggested to me, to go in the direction of the Holy Spirit (Ghost) for answers on my phenomenal experiences. Oh yea! I remember being in church performing the sign of the cross: name of the Father, the Son and Holy Spirit. God is three Divine persons, co-equal, co-eternal and co-existent made of the same substance, essence or being known as the Holy Trinity. The Holy Ghost is the Divine person that we were told, was responsible for giving us Christians special ‘gifts’. The Bible describes these gifts with some variances, but these are what I remember: 1) word of wisdom 2)word of knowledge 3)faith 4)gifts of healing 5)working of miracles 6)prophecy 7)discerning the spirits 8)kinds of tongues 9)interpretation of tongues 10)fear of the Lord 11)piety 12)counsel.

I believed in the Holy Spirit, I had enormous faith; that what I was taught must be what happened. I picked these two short scriptures as an example to imply just that:

Hebrews 2:4 God also testified to it by signs, wonders and various miracles, and by gifts of the Holy Spirit distributed according to his will. Luke 11:13 if ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him? The Holy Spirit is to serve as a Helper, comforter and guide the believers into truth (John 14:16-17). A very warming feeling, that brings thoughts of an earlier dedication. Assuming we are able to use these gifts according to his will, I find Acts 2:1-4 when the day of the Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from Heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.

That sounds utterly breathtaking! Can the ‘gift’ of the Holy Spirit explain the phenomena’s in my life? If those events played out like the scripture state, I presume all my experiences can be wrapped up in these gifts! The question is, how does one receive the gift of God’s Holy Spirit—the spirit of life with power that can influence and enable one to have special abilities? In taking a Biblical concordance, scriptures of receiving Holy Spirit gifts refer to Acts 2:38 Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit…41 Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day.

Ok, I have been baptized and must have received these gifts also. If those gifts can explain my encountered phenomena’s, how do I reach those abilities to use in my life and what can I do with them as described in

Act 1:8 but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witness in Jerusalem…

I read many scriptures, trying to understand how to reach and trigger my gifts. It’s still as vague as when I was a child, and when my parents were children. I did, however, find a quote about being overly eager on accepting these gift in 1

Corinthian 14:12 Even so ye, inasmuch as ye are zealous to possess spiritual gifts, seek that ye may excel to the edifying of the church. That’s not good and is upsetting to think the bible suggests to “edify” the church, when I am in search of direction on reaching the gift of the Holy Spirit. Of course, there are many more texts that mention the word Holy Spirit (Ghost) and its’ possible meaning, but to list them all would be redundant on its cloudy explanation. I’ll have to take these texts, the Bible, acts (etc…) at its word. I cannot find any instructions or certain actions for me to do that would make these gifts surface. “It works only because the Spirit works through scripture, to activate gifts it only takes scriptural truths, God’s grace and releasing of your faith…”

After reading, sorting through so many Christian websites, I felt drawn to jot that down. What is it saying? If I want to activate my gifts then I will need to see these scriptures as truth and release my faith? I am so completely confused! But, I think the scripture is not a substitute for the Spirit, I depend on the truth when I read it. No one can prove that the Bible is the authentic story of God’s dealings with civilization. In Acts 2:38 was the welcoming of supernatural gifts, as given by the Apostles hands. It seems a lot of people got baptized that day; wouldn’t they all have been performing miracles in the city of Jerusalem? I’m sure other people, at one time or another has questioned this before. Where are the answers or written responses? I will share with you something I did find in regards if I SPEAK AGAINST the Holy Spirit:

Mathew 12:31-32(CEV) I  tell you that any sinful thing you do or say can be forgiven. Even if you speak against the Son of Man, you can be forgiven. But if you speak against the Holy Spirit, you can never be forgiven, either in this life or in the life to come… I will have eternal sin? Do I have eternal sin now, admitting to every one of you that I question the Holy Spirit, doubt the Holy Spirit? I came across this question in a devotion catholic website that I feel deserves attention. Someone asks: “what is the meaning of the term Trinity or Godhead, are they man-made doctrines or do they have a scriptural basis?” After their analysis, (of the same scriptures I dedicated my attention to) they concluded the term “Godhead” or “Trinity” are respectable words; each representing true concepts that are taught in the Holy Scriptures. My continued question is, aren’t scriptures written by man and handed down generations with different versions? God (Trinity) did not grab a pen to start documenting his journeys and lessons. Do our Catholic priests REALLY have the ability to communicate with God as it was insinuated growing up?

Well, so far (not) so good!! I do not think the Holy Spirit explained a lot about receiving gifts. Like I said earlier, life with power that can influence and enable one to have special abilities; written in Acts 2:1-4. Actually, I could not find anything that connected the Holy Spirit (gifts or not) with an ability to see ghosts, let alone communicate with one. I know someone out there will tell me, I did not look there, or over there. I have looked everywhere in the Holy Bible’s verbiage to come up with confusion. According to the Bible, the dead can appear to the living, as Moses appeared to Jesus and several apostles’ after his death. Similarly, a ghost-like image of Samuel speaks to Saul as documented in 1 Samuel 28:7-19. Therefore, in some way, the dead can make their presence known to others on earth

 

 

CHAPTER 6 Disturbing the Doctrine

It exhausts me to have to re-live my experiences, document them and entrust a faith to get nowhere!  Being lost left me at that infamous ‘fork in the road’.  Seems, I can stay content with my displeasure in life, to see where that leads me or go the other direction.  You know; that place I mentioned earlier; called beyond faith.  I won’t lie. I took the road that guided me down a spiraling fall. It was an automatic response to go back to that nudged out big space I created.  By no means has Catholicism given me definitive answers; comfort or even feel better!  Sound a little cruel?  Good.  I’m finding my patience, now a day is not around too often.  Watching those commercials about depression, has hit home more than I wanted to admit and starting to show.  Have you ever questioned yourself before; what’s beyond that ‘Last Nerve’ when it’s gone??  I am here to tell ya, it is ANGER!  I have no endurance, no patience, and this nagging prickle in the back of my neck is ready to explode.  I truly do not want to step back and take anti-depressants, which only allows me one task at a time. I am so tired of being overweight, lethargic and just plain blah; that if I do not move on I will not have the energy or desire to do so later.

I deeply feel it is time to learn something outside my committed belief.  Are their answers beyond the knowledge of my personal religion?  Looking outside ‘the box’ will most certainly put me on a path alone.  Easing family members through my doubts of Catholicism; helped them start to grasp my apprehensions. I began to have shame looking elsewhere, knowing my family might not understand.  Extended family has become just that, extended too far for communication.  Remorsefully, I admit to half the blame, I understand now; just how separated we are. I have no justifiable excuse, other than getting caught up in the day to day distractions of life.  Assuming my extended family will read this; will they be upset over my question of Catholicism?  I dread, knowing their disappointment; as the scriptures were not enough for me.

One occasional talk with my sister took me by total surprise.  I made clear of my hesitations regarding Catholicism and how frustrated I was.  The subject could not be avoided after our feelings of Bobby dominated the conversation.  My anger increased as the words of doubt covered the religious meaning of life and death.  She listened intently, giving me room to let it out. I could not believe my ears when it was finally her turn.  My sister had not only shared my doubts but reached them before I did.  She understood my reservations and supported my journey out of our traditions.  Her own path led to a belief I am unfamiliar with, Buddhism.  My sister gave the impression she is happy with that direction in life, which made me want to learn more about it.   I am stunned how different this religion is from Catholicism.  Over 350 million human beings on this earth truly dedicate their faith to this understanding.  It is recognized as one of the fastest growing beliefs in the world, to stretch over to one million Westerners (that’s us, Americans)!  The chances of never crossing paths with a Buddhist follower or never seeing it for more than that big bellied statue; DID put me in that container that surrounded my entire life.

 BUDDHISM – I jotted down a couple things from this religion.  When I went back to read it, (oh my gosh) it was more than a few things.  I think most of those words are for my ‘Brainstorm Wall’ and not here.  This will be narrowed to my personal comments of why we all should at (the very) least glance at this understanding.  Have you ever read anything about Buddhism?  I was and continue to be in awe over some of its scriptures.  Even now, knowing what I do- this religion deserves its right to have a speck of truth.

Siddhartha Gautama.  Does that name sound familiar?  It didn’t to me either, but this man ought to have just as much attention as the Catholics’ – Jesus.  Way, way back in time; 563 B.C. is when he was born under what we call a ‘silver spoon’ family.  Yea, yada, yada … he had lots of money.  Maybe because of his time frame being born, but he was no Richard Branson or Elon Musk.  His money did not buy fun stuff or give life to his inventions. He sat there in all his pretty clothes and belongings to watch life go by.  From what I read, he wasn’t very happy. Almost hitting the big 3-0 was enough for him to get up and look around.  Is this all there is, he must have thought.  He looked to see what other people believed and wrote about.  Were they happy?  He continued to ask, search for anybody that was truly happy or what made HIM happy. Nothing.  For six years of this man’s life, he dedicated constant time for an answer.

He found it.  Siddhartha Gautama described his answer in one word: Enlightenment.  He reached the explanation difficult to put into any other words.  So, instead of teaching guidelines about Enlightenment, he chose to lay down a path of practice through which people can realize Enlightenment for themselves! Now, same as the Catholic Bible, you have to read through stories. These stories do come with one simple rule, ‘do not accept doctrines just because we read them in scripture or are taught them by priests.’  I can fully relate to that!!  In my own searching; I was told to only see the scriptures as truth! (Remember?) I would like to think I was a more hands-on type of learning person.  Unfortunately, people just practiced and talked about his ‘path’ (called the Middle Way) for over 400 years!  That’s how long it took for his teachings to be brought to paper!

I’m going to define how I personally understood ‘The Middle Way’ to be saying. What Siddhartha Gautama discovered in a couple sentences, is in no way showing his proper respect. Unfortunately, this is the one aspect of Buddhism that holds legitimacy to me. The Middle Way is to find truth of things. The basis of this world of infinite variety is duality, a leaning headed for two (’ness). Going off in one of two opposite directions, pairs of total opposites have the same source and foundation. An example, are the two ends of a piece of string or a rubber band. They are complementary.

Now, it’s time to get to the analysis of Buddhism. As much as I have learned, I never forget my quest for answers.  Can the Buddhism belief tell me why and how my family and I sporadically connect with ghosts and demons?  How could I of seen both my children (at different ages) like they were actual form yet see a different figure as transparent another time? What about my believed connection to hearing my brothers’ voice or perceived signs? I am so anxious to learn another viewpoint of life and death.

Looking over scriptures, books, and blogs (etc…) for my explanation; resulted in knowing this belief has versions that slightly vary from each other.  For instance, getting a position on ghosts can also be a little bit different from Buddhist to Buddhist.  As a result, large numbers of American followers are happy with Buddhism’s fair-minded approach to a lot of problems of life and free of superstition. They are the ones to answer no, they do not even believe in ghosts.  Many Buddhists from Asian countries do have faiths, dating back from folk religion. Actually, superstitious beliefs are merged into the whole structure of Buddhists faith and practice.) Traditionally from Hinduism, is described the ‘hungry ghosts’.  They are considered very angry and have gigantic bloated bellies with tiny mouths. The existence of a ghost is known as a separate rebirth for working out bad karma in horrible places. They are regarded as suffering and in need of our assistance to move on.

Every scripture and text falls in line with what they call: 31 realms of existence. They categorized each realm (or level) to depict our continuation as a whole.  Weather it is evil thoughts and intentions or over to a physical ghost, each has its place within these realms. See, Buddhists do not believe in God, so they do not acknowledge any judgment or cosmic justice system.  Buddhism believes there is no God to lead karma to reward some people and punish others. It is just cause and effect. There is no magic, no miracles because everything has a reason.

Wow, complete opposite of Catholicism.  I am not sure if that’s true either.  No miracles? No karma? Sadly, I cannot find a Buddhist stance for a person seeing a ghost or to assist in hearing voices of the deceased. Appears I would have to possess the ability to communicate and travel through their realms of existence for my phenomena’s to of happened. Or maybe even some portal I’m allowed to view into? Therefore, I don’t see much information to sift through on the paranormal.

Buddhism is only one of so many more religions out there; it builds the impression of an endless amount.  How is it, that so many Gods, countless beliefs in addition to my own; I was oblivious to?  If I was feeling the guilt over questioning my Catholicism before- it is gone now!  Maybe if my mom and I had just explored other beliefs, the discontent we felt would have been spared.  Are there other types of doctrines to define how we are alive, live and die?  I found the answer to that… yes!  Here is another understanding that caught my attention.

 

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KABBALAH – This religion is also known as an understanding.  I ran into it a couple times while researching Buddhism.  Its difference (in my opinion) means even more complicated.  There is much, much more to the trust of Kabbalah, that my quick summary will not do it just.  Maybe because of my limited religious knowledge, but I did find it interesting.

The Kabbalah is a written ‘Torah’ given to Moses on Mount Sinai, after God gave it to the Archangels.  This sounded very similar to Catholic’s own belief of Moses and the Ten commandments!  So close, that, the first four books of the Kabbalah also appear in the first four chapters of the Catholic’s Old Testament!  I wish I could elaborate more, that’s as close to it as it gets.  The Kabbalah was (as some conceive) also an oral tradition, passed down for generations.  Arguments over who wrote what and first seem to overshadow what the teachings are actually about.

In my frustration of going through cloudy layout of words, I want to describe a fascinating view.  The Kabbalah believe there are 32 paths that God engraved.  He labeled them as ‘Ten Sephirot’ and twenty-two letters.  These “Twenty-two letters: God drew them, hewed them, combined them, weighed them, interchanged them, and through them produced the whole creation and everything that is destined to come into being (ii. 2). To the Kabalistic, numbers symbolize the original unifying source that gives structure to our materialized universe. 

It is designed to list the 10 laws of creation.  My example, and as some later Jewish traditions, refer the design to resemble a tree.  The spiritual path of ascent by man, nature of revealed divinity and the human soul combined.  I view it as The Tree of Life from the movie ‘Avatar’.  Sigourney Weavers’ character did not die.  She was passed on or absorbed into the tree (of life). This list is somehow related with planetary influence that shape life here on earth.

I tried reading the scriptures, looking up everything I could reference. This belief excites me, but honestly, I got overwhelmed!  I understand what people say these scriptures mean, but I can’t seem to follow the words when I read them.  I would never have completed this study if I took the recommended training classes. According to their instructions (from earlier times), certain scriptures are not to even be viewed unless you were a male over 40. (Geeze!)

So, I will have to take pieces found on the internet to find their view on suicide. With such a deep acceptance of our evolution, surely; their explanation is better than Catholicism.  Well, I am embarrassed to admit, I’m still confused.  I do not know which way to turn.  Kabbalah seems to interact with the Jewish opinions, New Age Kabbalah or even older teachings of the same religion.

I am going to share the same answer that came up from a lot of searches.  This was taken from very well-known Kabbalah site that stretches to a Jewish belief.  The question is:  Is it true that if you commit suicide, you won’t go to heaven? But if there is no Jewish hell, where will you go?

Answer:  …   You write that there is no Jewish hell. Well, not exactly true… If you’ve ever overstuffed yourself at Jewish Simchah, the night after was certainly a form of Jewish hell. Aside from that, we find a place called Gehinom mentioned in the Bible and discussed at length in the Talmud and many classic Jewish works.

Think of it as a sort of Laundromat to clean up souls that have been soiled in their passage through this world. Once sparkling clean, they can continue up to their spiritual place from whence they originated, and even higher.  A soul that was involved in a serious crime, such as homicide, G‑d forbid, needs a heavy-duty wash to get back in shape. Suicide is considered just the same as any homicide—your life doesn’t belong to you any more than anyone else’s life belongs to you. All life belongs to the Giver of Life—and He doesn’t appreciate life being destroyed wantonly.   Nevertheless, there are those who commit suicide out of extreme distress and emotional agony. Then it’s left up to the Knower of All Souls (same one as the Giver of Life, a.k.a. G‑d) to know whether this person really had any free choice left in his soul. According to that knowledge will be the cleanup afforded that soul.”

I’m drawn to contemplate this explanation of a cleansing?  Hmmm, at least credible to me, through everything I have learned and experienced throughout my personal life.   But, I cannot believe, understand nor agree that our life does not belong to us. So, again; I’m told, “HE doesn’t appreciate life being destroyed” (in any way).  I just can’t wrap my head around judgment being performed on our conscious when this ‘Shell’ dies. I too, trust that my body is temporary, but where is the PROOF.  Proof of this dominant energy/ power/God exists and judges us, aside from recorded stories.  It’s not that I do not want to believe, it’s more of an affirmation.  I guess deep down I am hoping I can find evidence of what myself and most of the whole world have accepted at one time.  I’m going to stop myself there, because this belief deserves more of my interest, rather than focus on the inconsistencies or lack of physical evidence, the proof; I so desire.

I never quite made a stance on how I felt about reincarnation.  Obviously, it was never spoken during any classes given from Catholic school.  It wasn’t a typical conversation I remember having with my family and friends growing up either.  Honestly, it never seemed important enough to me, nor was it stressed in my catechism. It’s not until now that I feel I should look at everything.

The Kabbalists view of reincarnation has definitely made me see the need for understanding such a concept.  Its own origin of belief was formed back when it was passed down through word of mouth.  The great Kabbalist, Arizal, is quoted in their books as openly explaining their perception.  The soul is eternal, a spark of the Divine, or as the prophet Job calls it “a part of G-d above.”   The soul exists before it enters the body and it lives after the body is laid to rest. Though the soul’s place of origin is in the higher worlds, there is something that the soul can achieve in a body that it cannot achieve in the heavenly realms. It has already been explained that the purpose of creation is to make an abode for the Divine in this world. Although higher worlds are glorious in terms of revelation and offer the best reward for a soul after it has achieved its earthly mission, the heavenly realms are not the purpose of creation. It was G-d’s desire to create a world where His presence would be acutely concealed and darkness and evil would prevail. He charged his children with the task of creating a home in this world, and the soul fulfills that mission by its adherence to Torah and Mitzvot…Usually a soul does not manage to fulfill all the commandments in one descent, and the Arizal writes that every soul must be repeatedly reincarnated until it has fulfilled all 613 channels in thought, speech, and action. (chabad.org)

Wow! That is a lot of information to contemplate.  Realizing this book is based on my opinion and learning, I will honestly state the need to learn more.  I wanna just let you think about this, read it again now and later.  Absorb it all to gather your own opinion. SO, let me see… I read about homicide and judgment.  I wander what they think about monsters or ghosts.  Does everything in the category of evil originate from the fallen Angel, the Catholics call the Devil?  Is there another clarification for spirits or demons encountered by myself and my family? Can I find something in this belief to merit MY own opinion?

From what I have concluded, Kabbalah has over 1.3 million worldwide followers that have a way of shaping this religion into their own personal interpretation.  Even so, all of them fall under the same umbrella of Kabbalah. They call and consider evil, demons and devils as ‘the other side’.  Coins have two sides; papers have two sides and God has two sides.  From their perspective, all are essentially one thing and is not separate from the Divine.  Everything is part of God.  Likewise, to say that evil is “only” part of God and is not “ultimately real” does not alter its significance in our daily lives.”

Kabbalah is known to attract celebrities, ‘New Age Kabbalah’, and is widely known for drawing the spiritually Awake!  People who have grown outside the typical areas of reason, had a Near Death Experience or people determined to find their own answers.  Quoted by author of the ‘New Kabbalah’, Sanford L. Drob:  “By being equipped with the nonlinear concepts of dialectical psychoanalytic and destructive thought, we can begin to make sense of the Kabbalistic symbols in our own time.  So equipped we are today, probably in a better position to understand the philosophical aspects of the Kabbalah then where the Kabbalists themselves.”

This whole understanding has given me such a boost to my own concept, but it does not make it complete.  Now, I have the accumulative knowledge to continue my own destined way to answers.  I can’t say if Evil originated or is a part of God, but it stems from somewhere to… YES, evolve!

 

The Disruption 

 Why does the Catholic doctrine say what it does, while another state something different?  I ignorantly thought other religions were just spawned off of my own.  Maybe like what I found in some others, to have different versions.  I had a whole chart filled with the names of over 50 different beliefs and categorized them all!  I feel so stupid, never knowing before, or having the desire to look. Once I started reading and learning other beliefs, it was too hard for me to return to the Catholic Bible.

My path through research provided me disappointing explanations, but it was not the only information I realized.  Before I get into my own details, I have to say this.  Finding answers more than my phenomenal events about Catholicism was awful. I truly was in deep thought over all my findings for long while.  Not only how I felt about the truth, but how would I write this.  It still brings a touch of guilt to disappoint anyone who hasn’t reached my conclusions.  I do not want to portray myself as someone who just bashes religion. Please understand how challenging it is for me to publicly write and acknowledge to all who reads of my new position on Catholicism.

The Holy Bible I looked to for answers has been translated, revised, rewritten and even censored so many times that its original stories have been jeopardized over time. Everyone, including the clergy and Biblical professors really thought they were original first-hand reports on Jesus’ life, written by the followers Mathew, Mark, John and Luke. All kinds of arguments over the Gospels came up; that lasted for centuries!  Most Biblical scholars now accept the gospel of Mark was written first, in 70 A.D. So, how can these books (scriptures) claim to be direct details of Jesus?

As quoted by Candida Moss, Ph. D, professor of early Christianity, Notre Dame:  “so you have four Gospels written by four different authors decades,  maybe a century after he died; and none of them actually met Jesus… we really don’t know who put the New Testament together”.  Therefore, my question remains the same.  If the account of Jesus’ life were not from people who knew him, then who were the authors?

I won’t leave this without giving you some answers though.  I learned of other various authors over time and with numerous versions.  There was a man named John Witcliff who also studied the Bible.  He sat down with the Holy Bible on one side and a blank canvas on the other to translate the Latin words into English.  The Church put him under suspicion for his extreme ideas to reform the Catholic church.  Two years after this philosophers’ death, the church declared his version heriecy.  Approximately 1382, they judged his eternal soul to be condemned for all eternity! Why would they do that? Nothing about that action makes sense, especially being after his death.

Well, assuming, the Roman Catholic Church wanted the Bible in Latin, it was a death sentence to own a Holy Bible unless it was licensed.  Almost one hundred and fifty years went by before William Tindell became noticed for translating the Bible from Greek/Hindu into English words again.  In 1536 he was sentenced to be burnt at the stake!!   We all remember King Henry the 8^th, right? He got upset with the Church because he wanted a divorce from his wife, Catherine of Aragon.  Pope Clement VII and the Vatican held a lot of power; and all Kings needed his blessing or approval.  He was denied, which enraged him!  He figured out the question; how could a religion or a book hold so much power?  He felt, it did not, could not and will not hold such reign.  King Henry the 8^th took his declared dissatisfaction of Religious, reigning authority to switch some his way.  Being the King, gave him the means to reproduce the Catholic Bible to HIS own gratification and bring forth a personal following. After writing ‘The Kings Bible’, all monarchs wanted their own.  An example you should know is the King James version. Once his English words reached more Christians, they too could and did interpret their own meaning. Puritans and Quakers left their country for America, to believe what they wanted, ha! In a way, I guess, a lot of religions were spawned from Catholicism.  But how does everyone know their doctrine is correct?  Just doesn’t add up.

So many branches, so many denominations, and versions have sprouted out of a single belief, to what we have today.  With everyone translating their own versions, I am sure someone must have misinterpreted or had mistranslated the original text.  An example of simple misconception is when Christianity claimed Mary was born of a virgin.  It is boldly pronounced when you read the book of Isaiah, chp 7:14, Psalm 68:25, proverbs 30:19 among the longer list you will discover.  The term occurs nine times in the Hebrew Bible, using the word ALMAH to describe a young woman.  Etymologically, the meaning of the word “almah” is derived from the verb “almah,” “to hide,” or “to conceal” which helps to support the virgin interpretation. The term “almah” in biblical text is never applied to a married woman.

I realize the meaning of a word is not always translated down to its basics root form.  The usual definition of Almah is a Hebrew word meaning a young woman of childbearing age who has not yet had a child, and who may be a married virgin or an unmarried young woman.   I know, you read the part of the definition that said ‘married virgin’.  But why does that stand out for the definition to be implied in our Holy Books? They use the same word to describe “youth” or “young man of the age of puberty” in its masculine term elem.  I understand the path of how our books were created, but that brings up about more confusion.  What were the odds of the translation into Greek, picking, and using the interpretation of virgin, when Genesis defines the word as a “girl of marriageable age”.

I am positive someone has crossed over the possible errors before.  Would that put me in their category as a ‘non-believer’, so labeled as when the question is addressed?

 I was researching a documentary and really MUST mention this. I could not believe what they were saying!  I did my research and read scriptures like, Genesis, chp 9:22.  After the flood, Noah curses his son HAM for something he had done and says his son will be subservient to his two brothers.  There is this perception that HAM, who is considered the father of the African nations, was cursed.   It was stretched to imply that the black race came from HAM and so it’s supposed to be subservient to the white race.  Some assumed that is why the Africans have black skin!  Can you believe I just wrote that?!  I could not comprehend the long connection made. Complete astonishment comes over me!!  Accepting it or not, this story of Ham persuaded so many people in the 1800’s, that Gods will maintained arguments over African slavery!  People, who did not agree, tried separating themselves from the other.  This led to wide areas of bitterness, with each thinking God was on their side.  Eventually it was named the Civil War!

When I look for factual answers in doctrines, I realized there is not any.  I was right to be skeptical of a book that’s a collection of stories from scholars over centuries of time, arguing over how it should be interpreted.  So, where are the real answers?

That comes to mind when I think of the new Pope Francis.  He is re-analyzing the law of gays in society and in the Vatican!  You can catch him out on the street washing people’s feet or making a rare visit to Israel.  Even finally acknowledging the money laundering the Vatican itself participates in. He has vowed to reshape the whole Vatican to responsibly represent the Catholic religion.  It’s about time the dishonesty has surfaced, even if it’s only a fraction. All the greed and power hungry emotions have corrupted this religion beyond repair.

Bringing up the dishonesty in Catholicism, reminds me there is another characteristic common to religion.  Let me have a young man from New Jersey explain that to you.  Mr. Vikram Ghandi and his family were from a long line of Hindu mythology and Indian philosophy.  They were all taught and performed ancient religious rituals.  He grew up an average happy boy with lots of friends.  These same public performances felt embarrassing as he grew up.  He began to question not only his religion, but why we need religion at all.  Following his own passion for answers, he attended college to study religion under Theology.  He went through all the teachings and only learned he questioned it even more.  Especially frustrated, he decided to look in another place; America. Although he understood America had religion too, disappointment sat in because Yoga was starting to become popular. He recognized the same fake spiritual leaders under the name Guru’s.  They were the messengers of the Yoga movement who dressed like Indian monks.  All their followers trusted their acclaimed Indian spirituality from thousands of years.

This man, Mr. Vikram Ghandi’s reaction to everything he learned and saw is very fascinating. His personal skepticism was mixed with the passion for displaying the human instinct of common sense. He started a personal documentary to find out where these spiritual leaders and gurus come from and who was genuine. During and after his report, he discovered spiritual guru’s in America were as phony as the one’s in India. He didn’t understand why people believed and followed another person with such little, if any at all, credentials!  Determined to find out his answers, he grew his hair long while learning yoga. Once he mastered the technique, he taught it. Not just as a teacher of Yoga, but he got a nifty little staph to use as a cane and bought some gowns for his wardrobe.  He started talking to his students about life and where they stood spiritually. Can an average guy from New Jersey attract the mind of others and make them listen?

They paid attention, while he told them ways to improve their lives.  He would just make it up as he went along, stating the obvious. People gave him money and even went to his house to clean up his property as ‘Therapy’.  Being interviewed, they described how much better their lives have been since their encounter with Kumare (the documentary was released in 2011 under the title ‘Kumare’, as they knew him).  It didn’t seem to take much to win over trust and the dedication of a following that accumulated.  Remembering his original intent, he gathered everyone to let them know the truth.  With all cameras zoomed in, Mr. Viram Ghandi walked on stage completely reverted to his normal appearance, wearing jeans.  He told them all, his real name and how he was not any kind of spiritual leader.  Of course, most people were furious after the pause of confusion, and stormed out to never respond again.  Some understood what happened and became friends long after the documentary.

They were so quick to believe whatever was told.  Add the nice wardrobe and accent to give a sense of credentials and WHA-LAA, you have a following.  Some felt embarrassed and angered at the reveal. No matter the reaction, they cannot deny the plain fact.  We do not need scripture or a special someone to direct us in making the decisions that improve our own lives.  Of course, it’s nice to have the obvious whispered in our ear every now and then.  I have seen the power of prayer, and won’t deny its actual energy.  I feel; this proves we all have the power within ourselves.

I don’t feel getting my answers or the whole truth is in the Holy Bible.  To be totally fair, I don’t feel my answers are in ANY religious doctrine.  To better sum it up is quoted by author, Reza Aslam: “Why is it that 5,000 years after these stories, we still read them and we still believe them?  It’s not because their true events the people believe them to be, it’s because they are “infinitely malleable”. That’s the power of scripture.  It can mean anything to anyone depending on the time and context they live…” I chose this wonderful article from the internet to display some of that malleable flexibility.  To appease all its followers, that’s the Key!  To know what your followers think they want and tell them what they need!

 

CHAPTER 7 Science non-fiction

I am going to begin by making a point-blank statement.  Please don’t judge with cruelty or assume I am weak.  Despair is winning the battle over my ambition to continue for answers.  All I can think about is failure, deception and bottomless hurt.  I guess I am weak, too drained to take myself anywhere but here. Why am I unable to see answers in Religion as others do?  Am I ignorant, not smart enough to see the truth in scripture? Or, has the negative Devil found his way on top of my left shoulder?

Why should a pill claim the ability to overcome depression, when I’m the one that got me here!?! So, it seems I have no other option than to get myself out, given the circumstances. Maybe I can make myself better enough to not fit in this category. Have they traced what part of our mind depression is in? Can I change my way of thinking and being, where does that thought even come from? Could depression be like an emotional formula seen in the brain, or why stop there, and continue on with some type of fear sensor? Is my brain itself scared or crying tears deeper than my eyes go?  Or maybe, they both are actions (caused by those thoughts) inside it, ready for me to look at!  Hmm. I thought that sounded familiar; maybe read something like that before.  It is worth a shot to take a look at.  I’m still capable of reading a book.

The brain is the most powerful organ in the entire human body.  Just trying to understand how it’s made is part of how it works…Wow!  Researching this subject is a lot more intricate than when I examined Catholicism.  Making sure all the information really soaks in wasn’t on my mind, as I probably read faster than I should have. My goodness, so much information to understand before you can even move forward to the next sentence.   The hours go by, before I can turn the page, ends up being more of a time restriction.  So then I started browsing through information in books and papers (etc.), to catch the more familiar words and automatically put them together.  That doesn’t work when you’re trying to fully understand a concept and not just reading a sentence.

I couldn’t keep things in my head long enough to learn it; it just kept bouncing around.  I had to eventually read a page three times!  You know what finally helped?  I re-wrote it on paper.  My narration of the words seemed to make it easier.  Afterward, I ran into another problem of supersede.  I could read and learn about a subject, but when it was time to apply that information to expand the study; it got lost in the current words.  I’m going to label this as the saying goes; “in one ear and out the other” stage.   I tried to use another way to learn instead of reading, and use ACTION.  For example, reading the handbook of a new job vs. actually doing the act or glancing through the manual of a power saw vs. turning it on and cutting wood. I think using that idea at this area of my research is worth a try.  I came up with a method to make this stage easier, actually display my brain storming.  It was arranged how I finally grasped the information and where it lead to.  It was so large; it eventually covered my whole basement wall. No more automatic filing in my mind or reflexes of emotion that I didn’t spawn.  I want to tell my brain how to process and in which order!  Its current technique did not allow me to understand the way I chose.

Once I presumed to grasp everything I read, it made me question more.  So, hold on to your thinking cap- because you’re about to get a whirlwind of information and facts that will astound you!!  (And hopefully yearning for more)

 

Cognitive

In the path of learning where the emotion sadness and fear are located in the brain, I become aware of the amount of other people searching for answers. It’s a magnificent sensation to know, it’s ok to question. The answers are just as dense, but they lead you somewhere. I found a whole branch of Science to describe my avenue, called cognitive science.  The definition of cognitive: of or pertaining to the act or mental processes of perception, memory, judgment and reasoning as contrasted with emotional and volitional (a choice or decision made by the will “she left on her own volition”) processes.  This branch analyzes what cognition is, does and how it works. Seems like a perfect place to find information of the possibility to change my brain, not allowing my emotions to take over my day- to- day conscious reality.  How can I minimize that piece connected to the feeling of emotional pain?

The anatomy of the brain is difficult to make sense of because it’s outstanding construction and elaborate operation.  This amazing organ acts as a control center. It’s receiving, unraveling and directing the sensory facts all over the body!  The neural tissue is what carries those instructions from one place of the body to another (And our brain is floating in these tissues)!  Since cognitive studies are focused deep within the brain, I concentrate on the Limbic System.  This is a cluster of eight shapes what’s been described as:  a tiny nub, a fold, lobe mass, almond shaped nuclei, a fibrous band, and size of a pearl.  Ok, let me show you where it’s located and where I am aiming my attention.

If you look at the pic on the right, zoom into the amygdala. It’s deep inside the temporal lobe. Even though it’s well-hidden, the amygdale actually has connections to the hippocampus, septal nuclei, prefrontal area and the medial dorsal nucleus of the thalamus.   Being hooked up to all those, make it possible for it to organize.   The amygdala is in control of mediation and activities.  Activities like love, affection, of mood and, on fear, rage and aggression.
“Given the role that sadness plays to maintain depression” (Mayberg et al., 1999), it makes sense to study the amygdala.  By some means, it accomplished abnormal responses that act out to carry on my depression.  I wish I could give it a kick or press the re-set somehow!  How did my inner most thoughts portray who I am as an overall person?  How did my frown become a permanent symbol on my face for everyone to look at?

Fear and sadness are proven documented (emotional) processes!!  In fact, scientists and students are constantly examining and performing tests for concrete results.  The cognition procedures, known as just ‘cognition’, are actions working together inside this Limbic system; to create a thought.  Cognition helps us to make conscious and subconscious choices on the world that’s around us.  Contact between those brains parts make it responsible for actually playing them out, such as crying or screaming.

When you change your mind, go off on a tangent or your original train of thought; the actual diversion will show as real working nerves.  Those operating changes will then alter what scientists call -the ‘Electron Transport’ conditions in these nerves.

So, these changes you’ve made in your mind cause the Electron Transport to move differently.  This difference can be identified as, (again what scientists call-) ‘Electromagnetic Fields’.   We have visible interaction of phenomenological activity!

We are constantly creating this energy through our thoughts, which influence the energy to all organs and cells.  Our thinking is the conscious biochemistry (chemical nature of a system) influence to the human mind.  Wow, yes it is!!   Read that one more time:  Our thinking is the conscious biochemistry (chemical nature of things) influence to our mind!

Then, is it possible for me to change the biochemistry of ME? Remember, I mentioned other people looking for answers also?  There is a group of many people who have expressed their view on how we can change that ‘biochemistry’ through the act of visualization!  Experiments prove that our nerve system reacts just as strongly to pictures we just imagine in our minds; to the pictures we are able to see with the bare eye.  Modern technology has made it possible to view the optical center of the brain.   What activates the optical center when our eyes are closed and we are just imagining?  I stumbled on a point of view that caught my attention, while I was researching.  This group of people gathered their experiences with education, to believe changes can happen visually through changing your habit, Consciously:

 

  “Often we repeat actions and consequently emotions of no benefit to us; this is due to the force of habit and the stream of thoughts magnetically tied to the brain structure. Exactly as a robot, we repeat the same familiar patterns of action, also when it comes to negative thoughts and emotions.  However, when we turn away from the force of habit we experience other emotions of life, and in this can be found the great creation of new thinking.  We all use a very small part of our brain, but we are able to develop it continuously.   Some people assume that the “boost” we can do to our brain is limited.  In order for us to use our brain and develop it, it is necessary that our emotional life undergoes training and coaching, because we can only live through what our emotion can handle. In other words, we are what we think and what our emotions ‘tell’ us to do.”

Amazing!!  That would give the reason why my brainstorming wall helped me to learn. I changed my habit by giving myself a different visual of information!!  How can I continue to control my subconscious to affect my phenomenal conscious? What does consciousness really mean?

 

Consciousness 

As defined in the dictionary:  having an awareness of one’s environment and one’s own existence, sensations and thoughts. The little bitty area inside the limbic system called the Thalamus (previewed above) is where our most important day to day conscious decisions are formed.  Under cognitive science, they labeled it a process called ‘cortical system’. It is a place where the process of merging and taking control of the informational structure is; through which we have our place in the world. This has even been described as “The hub of the wheel” Cognitive science has their definition (theory) to explain what and where conscious is:

“The nervous system is an electromagnetic chemical system undergoing phase alteration and propagation delay (the time it takes for an Input to register correctly) and resonance with the world.  The period of propagation delay may well be a couple of hundred milliseconds, enough to give us the presence we are always with. The buzz of representation and productions in the brain are us and we represent them phenomenologically and investigate their physiology and their physics.  We are inside this resonance, we live it and we are it!  What we know is entirely mediated by the sense organs and the brain, what we know of the world is inference.”

Ok, that’s what I read. This is how I interpret the ‘just’ of all cognitive science’s views and theories of how and where our conscious is located.  Like with religion, all versions differ slightly; but all mean to say our conscious is created and remains in the brain. In between signals of information within our brain (for that extreme short period) is where we have developed consciousness?  I am going to use a great example with engineering context; letting you see it another way. An electronic amplifier is regulated by a certain amount of the output being fed back into the input; as an inverted (or negative) representation of that input.  It takes time for the electrons to travel through the circuit to the output. This is called propagation delay.

When I am talking electronics, I am talking about the flow of electrons.  Water has electrons too.  If you have a big river and one side branches off to a smaller outlet.  Eventually, the smaller outlet makes its way back to the main river; just at a slower pace to cover more area.  Let me show you, yet one more vision to better comprehend.

I understand the flow of what is being said.  It just does not seem to be complete and falls short of explaining the whole essence of the meaning, in my opinion.  I’m inside one of those bends or forks in the river (my terms)?   I still have that itch of not being satisfied and an urge to look deeper.  What exactly is consciousness?  That very powerful thought; is that me?  Is the voice in my head, the one I hear as I think or read, a narrative of my conscious?  I was able to find the two viewpoints on the connection of the brain and consciousness. 

The ‘Physical’ view, which says that in some way consciousness, is a direct function of the brain process.(which we just analyzed) The second is the ‘Dualistic’ view that consciousness somehow exists freely from the material world and body. This idea came from a philosopher named Rene Descartes, who made the revolutionary statement “I think, therefore I am”. I’ve heard or ran across his name sometime in my life, but NEVER have I sat down to truly read his work. Getting past his superior dialect, he equated the soul with the consciousness.  Maybe it is more of the religious vision of the SOUL, the soul!?

Following this path led me to a man named, David Chalmers.  Even though I found him in the cognitive field, he is also a Professor of philosophy and Director of the Centre for Consciousness (Australian National University) among many other titles.  I think his impression on the cognitive view is extremely thought-provoking, especially since his studies are directly related!!  Not only has he grabbed what I was trying to say, he offers it all in a question to such simplicity yet far reaching!  This question alone has upset scientists with no answer, yet intrigued others to ask themselves the same thing! He has labeled it the HARD ROBLEM:  “So, ultimately, the problem for a theory of consciousness is to explain how it is that the physical system that we are, this bundle of cells and organs and nerves, can have subjectivity, can behave independently, can do things for itself and can respond to input in a way that takes account of whim and ideology rather than simply reacting to current conditions.  Why it is that physical processing in the brain, no matter how sophisticated, should give rise to any subjective inner life at all?  Why couldn’t that have all gone on in the dark?”

What a remarkable and boldfaced question!  Someone who has studied the brain processes for years, and still questions consciousness.  No one really can come out of theory to know where our consciousness comes from; I thought I could just look it up!!  I truly assumed I wasn’t visiting the right websites to get my answer.  So, where else can it be from?  Oh my goodness, I notice excitement building, that I found myself smiling.  I feel I’m where I need to be, you know- the right path.  I somehow, know I am closer to obtaining answers on all my Phenomenal Experiences!!  I am not convinced that cognitive science has confirmed the conscious creation, nor its end.  Consciousness is the supposed energy we create by thought, but where does our energy and thought go after its death?  Isn’t our Soul just supposed energy?

Researchers considered that a fully operational brain can produce as much as 10watts of power.  If all 10 billion interconnected nerve cells went off at the same time, it produces 50 million of a volt.  This could power a flashlight bulb!

Energy cannot be destroyed and (I’m not convinced) no one can really say our consciousness, wherever it may be created; can’t be attached by some “process” to go with it!?  Long shot?  Why should I believe our ‘electromagnetic’ energy is not separate from our ‘chemical’ energy of our body that gets consumed by nature?

I would like to believe our energy; our soul (?) exists after the brains death. Would we be any closer to accepting it as true, if we knew they were separate to start with? How would it make you feel if you knew they were separated at ANY time?  Well, what if I’m Unconscious, where do I go?  I remember car accidents where I was completely “knocked out” and unfortunately don’t recall past the blinding white light.

There are a couple things I can’t forget though. I was traveling cross country, from Las Vegas to Texas.  It worked out that I didn’t have to drive the last couple hours before coming home.  We stopped for coffee and switched seats, which was so nice to relax! I rolled my window down and let the wind hit my face.  I remember stretching out my legs to reach the dashboard and not caring it was so hot.  I was one of those cars you pass to only see feet in the air, not wearing any shoes.  It didn’t even bother me that it was his turn to pick a radio station.  I must have sooner or later fallen asleep, because I started to see smoke.  I tried rolling down the window, but it already was down.  There’s so much smoke around that I couldn’t see in front of me, I had to yell to find out if my friend was still sitting there!  The smoke was so thick; I had to get out, to stop coughing.  When I opened the door to leave, I stood up and fell back in my seat.  My legs wouldn’t move! Once I looked down past the swelling, I could tell they bent differently.  I started to panic and tried looking for my phone, but the smoke made it impossible.  I closed my eyes, thinking of being trapped in the car if it caught fire!

I heard a voice ask if I’m ok and open my eyes.  There was a stout (older) man crouching by my window, reassuring me.  I felt calm enough to explain my situation without fumbling my words.  He helped me up and brought me towards the ambulance.  Everything turned out just fine and I even track down where “Harry”, my friend went. Maybe the smoke was to blame, but he was found walking down the highway mumbling to himself.  Because he fell asleep at the wheel, we drove head on into the barricade and down an embankment, which broke both my ankles.  I wanted to thank the one person who helped me, so I looked over the accident report for information.  Yup, you guessed it – Nothing!  This (bearded) kind hearted man, that no one can remember seeing, saved my life.

That was my experience when I was just asleep, but what about being unconscious?  When I was preparing for my heart surgery, I was terrified that somehow I would wake up or get stuck under anesthesia. I heard some people could still sense what is around them.  Doctors give you anesthesia to make sure you are unconscious during an operation. Where are we in that time to not wake up? I read many scenarios of people having experienced hearing the machine tools used, movements of their surgeons and incredibly seeing a manufacturer sticker on a light bulb from the ceiling!!  When an EEG is connected to a patient during surgery, it shows the brain responds just as if we were conscious.  Believe it or not, no one understands what happens to the mind under anesthesia!!

I’m going to talk about a Doctor named Stuart Hameroff.  I was lucky enough to hear this anesthesiologist and professor describe the most amazing concept of our Soul (energy).  He recognized the scenarios of Near Death and Out Of Body experiences to engulf them in his exceptional theory.  He believes a separation of body to consciousness occurs (at least) in patients under anesthesia.  Dct Hameroff monitored people (brains), as dispensed drugs took away their consciousness before surgery.  He gathered and studied testimonies, the EEG’s along with scenarios to combine with his knowledge of 35 years.  After patients woke up from anesthesia they have no idea of lost time whatsoever, “the passage of time is a key feature in subjective consciousness.  Consciousness is absent- just gone!”

Sorry, but I am going to have to describe to you what Microtubules are.  I’ll write this, then look over the pic below.  Microtubules are small hollow tubes that are in every living cell.  Microtubules are conveyer belts inside the cells. They move vesicles, granules, organelles like mitochondria, and chromosomes through unique attachment proteins.  Its actual structure is lined polymers of tubulin; which is a round protein. The tubulin molecules are bead like structures. Doctor Hameroff  believes the origins of the consciousness (soul) are found there as quantum computation.  “Synchronized digamma EEG inside neurons of the brain is the origin of consciousness. Consciousness may be found and quantified; it has substance and survives the body!  The Soul is a real thing in terms of quantum information embedded in the basic level of the universe.  If someone was in cardiac arrest, the quantum information that involves consciousness isn’t necessarily destroyed, it may actually just sort of leak out and remain in the universe and remain entangled.  If a patient is revised, then it can go back and the patient had a Near Death or Out of Body Experience.  If the patient dies it’s conceivable to me that entity (which you call the Soul) remains entangled indefinitely and so it’s conceivable that the Soul is a real entity that can be measured!”  He really said that!

When I was studying cognitive science, I once envisioned a picture of the brain, not one of those computerized, but from some documentary or in a museum.  I couldn’t help, but, tell myself… “Look, that’s what you are, a big mushy ball of veins!!” Now, I’m going to have to zoom in even closer? ha ha! Wow! The processes inside those little tubes may be where I exist, where “I think, therefore I am” exist?

I really spent a lot of time thinking about our consciousness leaking out of our body and brain.  An astonishing thought came to my mind.  Seconds after my brother passed away, is when I heard his whisper “Shh, I’m ok” in my head. Could it be possible, for some reason, MY brain picked up his quantum information that was entangled in the environment? Is that why his voice in my head only lasted long enough for him to move on? Could my earlier dealings with telepathy played a part, or the fact it runs in my family? Again, let’s not stop there and continue with my ‘Lucid dream’ of the visit from my Mom.  Could it possibly be explained by us meeting on this same quantum information level through an Out of Body Experience?

D. Hameroff has given me hope to believe this is possible… “We die and our consciousness is like a snapshot and stays that way without changing, but that would mean it’s not really conscious. I think it’s possible that it could continue to evolve, continue to be conscious and exist in a meaningful way, particularly it could even be at a higher level of awareness…and so it might even be more experiential, more evolving, and more conscious in this other sense.”

So far, this is the closest answer (and pretty good one!) to prove how it happened.  Oh, my GOSH! I feel so energized to search more, here in Science!!   Whether a soul is or has a religious definition or not, I’m starting to believe it is just what we are when the brain stops working.  I needed to make sure I completely understood EVERYTHING he was saying, which led to more research.  As I mentioned earlier, I have already studied Near Death and Out Of Body experiences (having a couple myself), so I am guided to the infamous ‘Quantum’ world!  Time to direct my attention to this measurable energy(information or soul), the essence of what stimulates our body during its lifespan.  The miracle of life… freak of nature?  Hmmm, breaking this down has already been sorted into categories for me to jump right in!

QUANTUM PHYSICS 

Hold On! Before you move your eyes away, put down this book or if this is where I pick ya back up… I’m only going to use the word Quantum in this sentence from here on out. I realize how exhausted that word is. This adjective has been overused and in some cases, not even correctly. The word means – smallest, the smallest amount possible for anything.  I am hoping if I use the word ‘smallest’ instead; this information and section will not only be interesting, but fascinating!

I remember (vaguely) from my old school days of Earth science, to learn the periodic table of elements.  In the typical subject of science, you have what is called; classic physics. This is a field to study and simplify matter and energy on a scale well-known to human size.  Matter, as in everything physically identified and felt around you on a daily basis.  It’s what is used to measure the basic science and technology. An example of this type is compared to a car, chairs, trees, Earth and even us. This is referred to as the Macro scale. What that subject didn’t cover, was the next step.

Scientists learned the glass they were looking through could somehow be influenced to magnify. The invention of the compound microscope in the (estimated) 1590’s changed everything.  We then, had the ability to look more closely at those everyday things.  A little piece of the tree was put under this glass and completely shocked anyone that would listen or viewed themselves. They did not see wood grain as expected. In its place, was unquestionable movement!  The activity of tiny round dots moving around inside was astonishing!  Well, after seeing that; technology took a flying leap.  Shoot- we wanted see more!  How could something hard be moving inside?  Our curiosity pushed for more demonstrations to expose this smaller environment. For decades, experiments have been done to catch a glimpse. Microscopes peered into those moving speckles and found even smaller ones!  That was the start of electrons, protons, and neutrons.  Wouldn’t you know it; they keep improving our microscopes to look deeper.  There are particles inside particles …etc. Scientists from all branches recognized the difference in those scales to open a completely new branch, the ‘smallest size’ physics.

Researchers learned the rules that influence big objects do not act the same with smaller ones!  They behave sporadic, even opposite from the world and environment we know and see on an average scale. Really! Once I understood my very first sentence, of ANY fact or theory in this branch, I was completely shocked and hooked!  It took a lot for me to write these entries in order and not just go back to change the beginning chapters. I’m not a physicist and have barely touched the surface on this extremely puzzling area.  Yea, it might take me longer to comprehend, but… every minute is worth it!  I am going to literally dive in to show you this magnificent place that will hopefully allow you to envision the difference. I will not lie though, for me to understand and obtain all the dense and confusing terminology – I had to change it. There is a lot of fancy and long names that get in the way.  The rest of this section will cover tests performed spanning decades up to now. These last few years have been very productive and revealing. A lot of headaches and confusion to reach the following conclusions.

Let’s start with these strange phenomena’s that are proven to happen on this level. Look at a standard dresser, table or door (anything hard) and touch it, knock on it.  Seem pretty solid and firm? When you look at this same desk under a microscope, you’ll see millions of those molecules dancing around. There are so many of them densely packed, yet moving around slowly. It gives the appearance of being solid, but actually their tremendously slow actions create this object!

A familiar example would be water.  Water is liquid and you can poke your finger right through, but if it’s frozen (molecules moving slower) it is solid.  If you heat the ice up, the molecules move faster and the ice melts to water again.  When water molecules are heated, and move even faster, the water turns to steam. So, depending on how fast or slow molecules move determine a texture of anything.  Hmm… It seems, to me, that these smaller objects are what really have created our physical world around us.  What a shame it takes such a powerful microscope to view.  Can you imagine what it would be like to look around and automatically see the movements with our bare eye in every object? Wow, I went around for a while, touching everything; I mean everything!  All of a sudden, I did start to see everything in a different way!!  I had a lot of thoughts and questions start popping in my head. Can two different textures (objects) that touch, interact with each other?  What about the molecules that is in the air, can they interact with anything?

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The deeper we dig, the less molecules behaves the way as expected to by classical mechanics.  The smallest size theory was in place to find the proton and neutron.  It seems when scientists study on the tiniest level, their mouths drop open with amazement! They discovered particles can go from one spot to another without moving through the middle space.  It would disappear then reappear at a different location on its own!!  Wow, that’s incredible!  How can a particle do that just because it’s small?  Scientists also noted that an atom can be at both spots at the same time, until they tried actually measuring what they saw!!  Scientists managed to keep a single atom simultaneously in two places at once.

“We are capable of trapping a single atom into a tiny box – a box which is 0.020 micrometers in size and created by laser fields – and subsequently split the atom into two boxes to reach separation up to 10 micrometers.”   Then, they are able to put it back together undamaged!!  Seems every time they take out their tape measure, to size these phenomena’s; it changes!!  What?? How unbelievable!! Can you visualize if larger atoms had this capability?

Because they are unable to measure, scientists have labeled that too.  It’s referred to as, “Q” uncertainty. Particles can interact and move around unexpectedly; we can only predict its actions.  This is known as quantum uncertainty or probability, obviously.  In reading the defined word in Wikipedia, it confidently states to “resolve many famous paradoxes of quantum mechanics”… for example, the uncertainty principle of quantum mechanics means that the more closely one pins down measurement (such as the position of a particle), the less precise another measurement pertaining to the same particle (such as momentum) must become.” 

These particles can move from one location to the other, without us seeing them actually move!  Ha ha!  This marvel action has been given the name “Q” Tunneling.  Defined as, the smallest mechanical process by which a particle can penetrate a classically forbidden region of space. The phenomenon is so named because the particle, in traveling from A to B, creates a sort of “tunnel” for itself, bypassing the usual route. Oh, it does not stop there; Somehow, they can be completely separated from one another and still interact, without interfering with any space between.

Then you have the explanation called quantum entanglement describing that information can actually be transmitted using entangled photons (light particles).  When you have two particles ‘entangled’ they act like one single object.  So let’s say there are two particles: A, and B and they are entangled. If you spin A, then B will do the same even if B is miles away.  If you bounce A; then B will also bounce.  B will do whatever A does, vice versa.  It is like one atom being at two different places! I know it sounds weird, but atoms and subatomic particles really do act this way!!

Last but not least, of where I’ll stop on my description of quantum mechanics is with ‘superposition’.  That’s like a particle existing in two different states at the same time.  Kind of like you standing up and sitting down at the same time!!   The same scientists and students, who experimented with this quantum sized particles, are quoted “Now that we have gained control of a single atom trapped in laser fields, we would like to use atoms to perform a novel kind of information processing- namely, the so-called quantum information processing… in essence, our atoms behave as a quantum bit, a qubit.”

 

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Ooh, my God!  Our consciousness (soul), that which I was drawn to believe existed on this same “quantum information processing”.  Remember earlier we learned a theory of our consciousness is microtubules as quantum information processing from Dc. Hammeroff?  Darn it, I continue their experiments.  I’m grateful people are fascinated enough to find the means possible, to hopefully, get more answers and theories!  Isn’t it astounding how everything in our physical environment, to have such a remarkable breakdown!?

We even have atoms inside us!  “The body is composed of many atomic elements that provide the basic chemical and biological framework for human body composition.  Atoms combine with each other to form all the molecules in the human body.  In the case of hydrogen and oxygen, they come together to form the body’s most abundant substance- water!”  So, when our bodies and brain stop functioning, it is very possible to me that our quantum sized atoms, our quantum information, our Soul, our consciousness still exist on this level!!

Well, with what I’ve seen of this level, the capabilities seem endless.  How breathtaking would that be?  I believe it is more than probable, and certain!   This information (to me) has given the explanation, when I and everyone have an Out of Body or Near Death experience. We are actually aware (conscious) of this little “qubit” we have become floating around in a quantum environment!  I think there’s a lot of support to prove, my mom’s visit, was an Out of Body Experience.   Remember when I described flying around through clouds?  I went back to verify what I wrote down in my journal.  “I remember feeling the air, but not seeing my feet, body or arms. I don’t feel incomplete, it’s just me”.

But, wait, scientists thought these protons and neutrons were the smallest components of an atom’s nucleus.  Guess what… the more they study and experiment, it is showing they are made of even smaller parts with other particles and other forces!!  We can see all these sporadic phenomena’s, but scientists are confused how some molecules have mass, (to move slower) and some molecules do not have mass. Why don’t all the molecules just float around in the air together, you know, like the planet Jupiter?  That planet doesn’t even have a ground because all its particles are floating in the air. When I was walking around touching everything- I wandered that too.  Why do some molecules stay unseen (floating at the speed of light) in the air and others have clumped up to be that door, that curtain.
Well, darn it!  I found out there are a lot of other people who have the same question.   That’s all there is, just that question with no answer.  Everyone is confused.    Astronomers say our Universe began as a breeze of energy, but somehow that energy changed itself into matter.  This material eventually became stars, Planets and even US!

I understood this concept through Morgan Freeman’s voice. “Physicists have always thought there must be some invisible force field spread across the whole Universe, strangely turning energy into solid matter.  At the start of time, physicists were certain that there were only mass-less particles of pure energy made by the Big Bang theory.  Then something changed, and all the particles stopped.  Somehow this special force turned on to make some particles gain a mass and make them stop traveling at the speed of light.  The particles that got mass became heavier to slow down from the rest of the pack.  You see, until just last year, no scientist knew for certain if this special force even existed, it was a theory. Some people have assumed that a Creator activated this field or some sort of “God Particle”, is the reason for transforming everything from the Big Bang.  All their aspirations to account for such a phenomenon went into identifying and naming of this particle.  When they find its exact features and properties, it will shake our science world enough to change the standard periodic table we use today.

 

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This unanswered problem in basic physics is so important; thousands of researchers have been searching for decades!  This is where my research and curiosity might have stopped, if it wasn’t for scientists, Peter Higgs and François Englert of Belgium.   These guys have devoted their time to an even more modern tool.  Instead of trying to make our microscopes stronger, we invented something on a larger scale; an enormous 17 mile long one!!

Have you ever seen a geode rock?  The kind you find on some table along the roadside, with sparkly colored gems inside?  I use to throw rocks, I found, on a larger rock to crack it open in hopes to show pretty stones.  Remember hitting that piñata with a bat hard enough for the candies to fall out?  That is what this new tool, they call the Large Hadron Collider can do with a proton.  In order to break it open they have to bang them together, backing up 17 miles for the right amount of force.  The 7 billion Large Hadron Collider, gives physicists’ a one trillion to 1 billion of a chance to find this “special” particle.  That’s a lot of numbers going into researching how our Universe began and how we (as humans) were created.  It took a team with over 10,000 scientists and engineers from over one hundred countries, as well as hundreds of universities and laboratories to construct this LHC.

It lies in a tunnel 574feet deep underground, beneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland.  This machine has about 1,600 huge magnets inside that tunnel to help push the proton with enough force (more than 99.99999 percent of the speed of light) and smashing them head on into each other.

As the protons crash; all the smaller particles fall out.  After sifting 800 trillion collisions in two years’ worth of data, they found it!  Physicists finally trap what they were combing for.  On July 4, 2012, they officially publicized the finding of the “God Particle”!!!  Peter Higgs’ (and many other physicists) bizarre theory of the invisible force has been PROVEN CORRECT!!  The sub-atomic particle known as the “Higgs” Boson, took shape from this special field (which we now call the Higgs Field, gratuitously after the physicists).

Ok, are you ready to go a little deeper?  To back track, we examined tables, cars; all physical items (etc.).  We moved onto the cells inside those objects using microscopes. Then we traced particles inside those particles!  Finally we peered into those particles! Pheeew!!  You still with me? The Standard Model of particles we use today, is an ASSUMPTION about the electromagnetic, weak, and strong nuclear bonds.  These bonds decide the motion of the little particles.  Quarks, is what they call them, once test confirmed they existed.

In Theory

I learned of a concept called super symmetry.  Its goal is to be a continuation of the Standard Model.  Yes, more information for me.  I just keep going with the flow of answers and hypothesis, to never come across a dead end!  I will be honest to say, Super symmetry is somewhat tough to compose in basic words; so some new one’s are going to come up.  It anticipates that every particle in the Standard Model also has a bigger partner, with a different spin.

The particles in the Standard Model are grouped as fermions or bosons (based on a property known as this spin). The fermions all have half of a unit of spin, while the bosons have 0, 1 or 2 units of spin.  Tied to their differences in spin are differences when they cluster up. Fermions are unfriendly; everyone must be in a different state. On the other hand, bosons are very close; they prefer to be in the same state. Fermions and bosons seem extremely mismatched, but super symmetry ties them together.

These heavy partners would correct the mass of the Higgs boson. If this theory is right, super symmetric particles should also appear in collisions at the LHC.  The second particles expected by super symmetry would cancel out the involvement to the Higgs mass from their Standard Model partners. (This makes a light Higgs boson possible)  The new particles would mix together through the same forces as Standard Model particles, but they would have different masses.

Are you still with me?  So if a smaller particle has a bigger particle attached to it … and it is proven … Then, this bigger particle would also have to interact with our Standard Model- right?  If super symmetric particles were added in the Standard Model, the contact of its three forces (electromagnetism, strong and weak nuclear forces), could have the exact same power at very high energies!! As in the early universe!!

Trying to make a small final note, will be this last paragraph on the subject.  It excited me beyond any religious scripture to understand what things are made of and what makes up the things we cannot even see! Many speculate the lightest, super symmetric particle to be stable and electrically neutral.  This makes their interaction weak with the particles of the Standard Model. These are precisely the features required for dark matter, thought to make up most of the material in the universe and to hold galaxies together.  There is no entire explanation for dark matter in the Standard Model.  “Super symmetry is the framework that builds upon the Standard Model’s strong foundation to create a more comprehensive picture of our world. Perhaps the reason we still have some of these questions about the inner workings of the universe is because we have so far only seen half of the picture.” Make any more sense by looking at the picture? I hope I explained it enough for you to remember this part.

 

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If the Higgs Field did not exist, particles would not have the mass or energy required to attract one another to instigate their chemical bonding and would simply float around freely at light speed.    Turns out, the Higgs Field is actually determining the whole universe in some way, what state it’s in and how these particles will come to life.  This particle and Field could solve the riddle of our existence. It could HONESTLY and REALLY expose more about dark matter, antimatter and possibly hidden dimensions of space and time!!!  Again, I’m anticipating the results (for lack of showing you my cartwheels), to possibly add to my personal theory. I can truthfully say I never understood Theorists and thought they just made stuff up that has not been proven.  But, now, I see that’s not true!!  They take the proven pieces and try solving the big picture (kind of like my brainstorming wall idea).

So, since I brought it up, let me introduce to you one of the most intelligent and well respected theorists; Michio Kaku.  His name might be familiar since he has hosted shows like Discovery Channel, BBC, and History Channel and, of course Science Channel.  He is a well-known author to popularize science and has even been called a futurist.  He describes his profession as studying “where the Universe comes from, how we evolved, how it will die, a kind of everything.”

Professor Kaku has his own opinion on this remarkable spotting of a particle that possibly attributed to the Big Bang Theory, “So we physicists hope to find particles beyond the Higgs boson, such as ‘sparticles’ or super particles which are predicted by superstring theory. In this picture, the world we see around us corresponds to the lowest vibration of tiny vibrating rubber bands. Sparticles represent the next set of vibrations. If true, then superstring theory, being a theory of everything, may reveal the deepest secrets of the universe, such as what happened before the big bang, whether parallel universes and other dimensions exist, whether time travel is possible, and whether wormholes are credible. All this could have a profound impact on our view of the universe or multi verse… Physics is the language of the Universe, I can’t understand how people are not  fascinated… physics created laser beams, radio, TV…”

Professor Kaku is known for and is co-founder of the string field theory.  This theory goes deeper than any of Einstein’s equations that start at the instant of the big bang and center of universe.  String field theory picks up where he left off, before the Big Bang and Genesis itself.  In general, it states there are multi-verses out there and not just ours. It questions, the possibility of when two universes collide (or fission) it creates another universe or when a universe splits, it creates 2 universes is what truly defines the Big Bang.

Einstein’s general Theory of Relativity is one of the most important advances in physics.  His theory of gravity is related to things that are really big, like stars and planets; the same time the development of Quantum Mechanics.  These concepts are successful in their own field, but again, there is another problem.  They only work to clarify their own area; so each cannot represent the other without confusion.  Scientists need to figure out a way, a formula, or even a theory to get them to operate together.  There are spaces in the universe where you need both to explain the center of black holes or the collapse of a star to its smallest parts.

On paper, string theory combines these two philosophies into a grand ‘Unified Theory.’  Well, seems some scientists do not agree with its concept to point out the flaws. After ten years of research, physicists have succeeded on their math.  Pounding away at all the pieces of the overall puzzle allowed them to go beyond approximate.  The flaw, the part to not convince everyone is the extent to perform an experiment and show these accuracies in action for that proof!  Do we have the correct tool to design such an experiment now?  YES!!! Come on Large Hadron Collider!!

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To put a notch on the proof side, look up the word graphene.  I first heard about this material from James Gates, a professor of physics at the University of Maryland, College Park.  The incredible descriptions proclaimed and its properties, have gained the attention of the entire world!  “Our research establishes graphene as the strongest material ever measured, some 200 times stronger than structural STEEL!!” mechanical engineering professor James Hone, of Columbia University, said in a statement.  That’s some amazing strength, as described by professor Andre Geim (the current co-holder of the Nobel Prize in physics for his work with the material at Manchester University), “It would take an elephant, balanced on a pencil, to break through a sheet of graphene the thickness of Saran Wrap… and the way this material can be utilized is as surprising as its properties.  It is not even one material; it is a huge range of materials.  A good comparison would be to how plastics are used.”

In 2010, it was the subject of about three thousand research papers. Well, those three thousand papers got noticed by many companies.  All those companies began their own start-up in researching around graphene. The flexible and thin materials’ strength could replace a lot of plastics and silicon we use.  “You could theoretically roll up your iPhone and stick it behind your ear like a pencil,” Professor James Tour, of Rice University, told the Technology Review.

Now that you are familiar with this single, layered atoms of carbon, let me finish clarifying an important key.  I will not claim to know or interpret the mathematics of such a complex concept, but there is evidence string theory is the only piece of math to solve certain problems and the concept of graphene!! (Brought up by supporter, Professor James Gates- who wont return any of my emails) Well, how can an assumed theory give concrete calculation to a proven physical substance?   This is extraordinary news, I am surprised I had to dig for this article and it was not front cover!

Again, some opponents have asserted, what they think is a drawback.  The burden physicists and scientists face, is that these ‘miracle’ properties have only been demonstrated on a tiny scale. Scientists recognize both their successes and needed research.  “So, while it may be true that on a local level it has this strength much stronger than steel, we have to be careful about these claims. Yet with all this money and market demand, scientists are cautious about how quickly all this potential can be turned into reality.  But the main thing is to be truthful and not exaggerate because we actually have to deliver.”

Since I listened in on a discussion of this material and able to write this entry, graphene has caused a lot of commotion.  All the testing and proving of its capabilities has continued to spark interest across the globe!  There was a sort of bidding war on the rights and uses for this ‘miracle material’ as stated May 17, 2014.  Samsung Advanced Institute of Technology owns 9 major patents related to the structure and the operating method of the Graphene Barristor.  As demonstrated in this research, the institute has solved the most difficult problem in graphene device research and has opened the door to new directions for future studies. This breakthrough continues to keep Samsung Advanced Institute of Technology at the forefront of graphene-related industries.  So, you should keep your eye open for a bendable phone from Samsung; ha ha.

 

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What if we did not have to plug away at the math to solve a unified theory of everything?  What if some person just stepped out of nowhere to give us the answers?  Relax your brain for a paragraph or two; I’m going to tell you a story about a man…

On December 22, 1887 in the town of Erode in India, a man named Srininasa Ramanujan was born. All his life; ask anyone, he was an extreme introvert.  A little shy and quiet!  I know you have heard the same sad story before, but he did grow up in poverty.  Some examples of what was going on, nationwide, around that era includes:  The Eiffel Tower just opens, Charlie Chaplin and Adolph Hitler were born, the earliest surviving motion picture was filmed and Nikola Tesla just started experimenting with X-rays!!

Well, this little boy was starting to gather attention for his extraordinary memory.  I read in Wikipedia that he would go around school, amusing his friends by repeating the value of the constant ‘pi'(3.14) to any number of decimal places.  Geeze, I don’t think anyone else understood what he was even saying.  His friends and kids his own age were only twelve.  That’s when he mastered books on calculus AND trigonometry!!  Little Ramanujan got a hold of some college books that had over 6,000 non provable theories. He scratched down the formulas to explain, but they would get erased to make room for the next one.  Quite possibly the greatest mathematical talent the world has ever known, his discoveries still astound and baffle those who read them today!

I am not sure when and how Ramanujan publicly acknowledged how he received his findings, but he claimed to have special dreams of ‘Namagiri’.  Namagiri is a form of Hindu goddess, worshiped in India under Hindu mythology.  He looked to her for inspiration in his work, and said to dream of blood drops that signified her male partner, ‘Narasimha’.  He would have visions of scrolls unfolding to see complicated math problems in front of him. “While asleep, I had an unusual experience. There was a red screen formed by flowing blood, as it were. I was observing it. Suddenly a hand began to write on the screen. I became all attention. That hand wrote a number of elliptic integrals. They stuck to my mind. As soon as I woke up, I committed them to writing.” He actually said that to someone!!! 

He never had any official schooling, yet came up with nearly 3900 identities and equations while he was alone.  His fellow classmates at the time said they “rarely understood him.”  Mathematicians have created an entire industry to confirm these formulas that Ramanujan had scribbled into his notebooks.   He left no clues as to the work up of his formulas or how he got his conclusions.

Some of his formulas have been researched enough to solve. But… there is one MAJOR formula left!  (I’m summing this paragraph up. Sorry, but there isnt a whole lot of difference in stories and they all say about the same).  Well, he was 32 years old he was diagnosed with Tuberculosis.  While on his death bed, the brilliant Indian mathematician, Srinivasa Ramanujan wrote down pieces he said came to him. No one at the time understood what he was talking about.  “It wasn’t until 2002, through the work of Sander Zwegers, that we had a description of the functions that Ramanujan was writing about in 1920,” Emory University mathematician Ken Ono told the daily (newspaper). Now one hundred years later, researchers can make sense of his writings to decipher them.  “We proved that Ramanujan was right. We found the formula explaining one of the visions that he believed came from his goddess,” Ono said.

“No one was talking about black holes back in the 1920s when Ramanujan first came up with mock modular forms, and yet, his work may unlock secrets about them,” he said.  Now, researchers say since he is accurate; the formula could explain the behavior of black holes!!!  This announcement was just recently released in November 2012 at a Ramanujan conference held at the University of Florida, before the 125th anniversary of the mathematician’s birth Dec 22.

I will state, in my humble opinion, the only other stories of confirming black holes and their properties have been made by Stephen Hawking.  I do not understand if or why, he or anyone else, has not given Ramanujan his past due credit!  Oh, excuse me, there is the show, Ancient Aliens. Wow! Somebody stepped out and surprised us with some answers, even today and beyond!!  A (believed) spiritual being was able to communicate with a physical human being through dreams. Is that what the scientific world is admitting –saying as his work is (not) confirmed publicly?

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While letting all this information soak in, I noticed I have gone way beyond learning my sad processes.  I could not resist looking up one more thing or a new direction that came my way. I am so glad I allowed myself the journey through to new discoveries and answers.  Everything you have read and everything I have written is accurate information to confirm.  Taking this information and taking a break; I started looking at my ‘brainstorming’ wall.  See, there is something I neglected to mention until this very paragraph. I had lots and lots of anger when I lost my brother. Not just because he was not going to be physically around anymore, but because what I was raised to believe religiously.

I needed to sub side my anger somehow and truly calm my mind.  In thinking my rage won, I vowed to find my brother!  I didn’t and don’t care what I need(ed) to do, go, learn… I WILL find him!!!! I know he exists because of my past experiences and my hearing him tell me he is “ok”.  Religion does not have the same amount of influence on my reasoning as it used to.  If I take what I have learned and apply it to my phenomenal experiences; I have come up with the most satisfying thought (theory).  It coincides and seems to fit within proven areas to which it interacts.

Could it be possible, when I saw the ghost in my childhood house, it was real!?  Make sure your sitting down and have no distractions when you read the following.  I believe ghosts are a true vision and a true happening in rare occasions.  I believe ghosts exist because after death, their quantum information hanging around; can’t let go of their previous physical form for various reasons.  Acting according to their “quibit” state, they can temporarily gain enough mass (energy) for the ghostly appearance of our new consciousness phase by interacting with the Higgs Field.  Again, it’s yet to be discovered of the possibility of even more fields, as described in Michio Kaku’s string field theory.  Maybe it takes many interactions and a lot of energy before the vision to emerge.  Like the movie ‘Ghost’, it is easier just to manipulate the energy around an area than to gain it. (So, is it rare?)  Maybe their consciousness (soul, quantum info) are even drawn to the Higgs Field by some magnetic attraction spawned up by their restlessness.  When they finally reach peace they are no longer attracted and the magnetic pull steers them to a different vibration.  Weather we finally realize and reach our harmony of peace instantly or not, we eventually enjoy the new phase of our existence and its incredible dynamics of different dimensions, parallel multiverses, time and space travel…  Heaven, I think, is one way to describe it!

When a star dies, a proton is smashed, or an atom is broken down to recognize and study its established quantum size, how come we stop there and don’t acknowledge our bodies the same?  When we collapse (die) our body too, has established quantum size existence, if not the very least our quantum sized consciousness!!  On my search for the proof of life after death and phenomena experiences, my study began to have the bigger pull to influence my view of the physical world. There’s no reason to believe that science can’t prove my faith. My faith that we still exist after this shell (body) has reached the end of its stage.

Again, it’s time to take a step back and view my information.   These complicated topics are clear once we explore that the mind and thoughts are really quantum information (soul) supported by high dimensional quantum vibrations.  I wondered how vibrations (thoughts) can affect the physical world.  But what if something else has evolved other than the human body? As I spoke about earlier we have super symmetry.  Put that together with the recognized positive- negative, matter- antimatter, and particle- antiparticle.

What if something opposite of our make up or just plain dark matter had evolved also; on perhaps another dimension or realm?  I know it’s a far stretch, but that could possibly be the reasoning for negative entities?  All our negative cravings and thoughts gathered in a huge ‘molecule’?  Ha Ha, it’s possible! Maybe the apparition my brother, Brian saw was an evolved molecule that he somehow enticed.  While I’m out here on this stretch, let me share with you my thought on how my Mom could expel the (self- classified) demon in Brian’s house.  I think it’s probable for a person to clear away negative, dark energy, anti-matter (etc.).  That combination of positive energy’s and genetic makeup could possibly stand out or be different enough to be noticed, felt or even manipulated in some way!  Certain people may possess this ability or knowledge such as Shaman, Buddhists’ or even Monks.

In my science studies, I could not get over the vision of myself as a brain with a spine for a stem.  I feel that is what we physically are, a floating brain and spine protected by a body of flesh.  I have been doing my own personal experiments with that realization, to put (my) mind over matter.  I believe it is worked really well for me.  When I feel that deep trembling pain in my chest from missing my mom and brother; I can either close my eyes to feel this heaviness overcome or now, literally speak to myself.  I purposely put that brain vision in my head and I (out loud) say Wow, this pain really hurts, this body is really hurting.  My voice is not aching; I just feel the sadness physically.  I try to concentrate on that little amygdala from the back of my brain and give it a kick!! (honestly, it made me laugh the first couple of times)  So, you see, I have learned to put any religious belief aside and (for this existence) realize what exactly I am!  Now, not only have I discovered there is a different (possible) meaning to life and death; but my own sister has eased my path to open the possibilities.  I am not alone, thank you!

All these energies and talking about antimatter, dark matter, I should point out something amazing about matter.   You know, when I say the word matter; I am meaning everything.  Those tables/chairs and doors we talked about, all the proton, atoms, even the air that surrounds us to include the stars; all the matter in the universe only account for approximately 4% of the universe!!  Totally unbelievable that we do not even know what the other 96% is!!  WHOA!

 

 

CHAPTER 8 Infinity and Beyond

 

I would like to take a moment and place it right here in the beginning of this sentence.  I want to talk to you, YOU, the one reading my words.  You have read through moments of my life and, if I’ve described it right, moments of my personal journey.  But, it has not ended there.  I am hoping that same open mind that brought you to this page will also continue.

 

Somehow the suction of my gained knowledge rode alongside the writing of this, to create its own direction on my pathway. The ‘pull’ I felt to follow my gut and intuition led to the greatest phenomenal experience of my lifetime.  The intensity and enormous impact this has had on my life put me down for a while.  More time has passed since I wrote than I thought.  I have looked back at the previous pages and fought the most strong impulse to fix the first section, change this word, change the way I said that…etc.  But, instead I have decided to share with you the change in me.  It was not until I took off the powerful heaviness laying on my back that information started to take form and have its place in my mind.  Take the weight of your previous concept out, please, finish following me.  I do not want you to abandon it completely or preach to you another belief.  Keep your thoughts open to my suggestions and wipe it clean of anything you have ever read or been taught of mankind all together. If need be, do not read this section yet.  I was wrong to discredit the Buddhist for not allowing some of the texts to be viewed until a certain age.
Until you, I mean YOU can openly credit even the smallest, tiniest piece of information or story I have shared, I do not recommend this to be read until then.  I am not trying to sound all dramatic, but because what I have concluded in this whole research, this whole journey of reflection; has brought me to a place with all the answers!!!

Knowing positive I heard Bobby’s voice, meant he existed.  There to be found. I have discovered what I have been desperately, passionately searching for.  I found my brother and I found my Mom!!  I know where they are, where we go after death, our purpose and its miraculous inception!  If you do not want to know, if you feel it insults your belief, if you have any reservations- please know that your full comprehension will be missing.  Everything you read MUST add up to where you are now.  My desire is to show you something, just a peek into a world you have probably never IMAGINED!

 

February 2013

There was so much to think about!  My mind was going a thousand miles a second; reviewing the previous chapters. I was letting the information finally settle and decided to take a break from my computer screen. I was standing there in front of my desk, as usual.  Gazing into what I considered a reflection moment, turned into an immersed thought of what I was actually looking at.  The three objects centered in my deep focus started to bounce really fast.  The bottom portion of my view started stretching down as the same event was happening on my top view.  Stretching and shaking faster than a blink.  For a brief moment (still standing there), anything that crossed my vision was seen as its’ basic molecular make-up.  It only lasts a couple seconds, but the episodes increased beyond my comfort zone.  Fear was my first emotion. It gave me the sensation of not just seeing another dimension, but being in another world altogether!

I paced around for a couple of days, thinking there was something mentally wrong with me. I wrote about seeing this through a microscope, NOT with the bare eye!  When I would notice this ‘happening'(?), a physical sensation of rising would instantly take over.  Silly or not, I grabbed the tape measure to see if I grew a couple inches.  I eventually followed my gut towards a familiar grounding, my extended family.  My wonderful aunt (unknowingly) eased me into a confidence of realization.  The next day or so brought even more confidence that spilled over to MAGICAL!
I have always thought there was a method of controlling your subconscious.  This is the second half of our brain; that has nothing to do with daily functions as they transpire.  It is the area to form the sleep world and try to make sense of all your thoughts and memories you accumulate.  Attempting to regulate it to work with my other half, in a way to make my mind perform as a whole, instead of half.  No matter how information gets to each part- it’s flawed!  There does not have to be a transfer at all.  As stated earlier, this research originated from my Mom’s visit with me through a dream, seven years ago.  Along with writing this, I have tried to practice and study Out of Body Experiences and Lucid dreaming.

A couple days afterward my shaky vision, I had a lucid dream.  A lucid dream is any dream in which one is aware that they are dreaming as it is happening.  It was not much, but enough for me to recognize and instantly wake up.  I can recall seeing my daughter across a room, filled with lots of people.  I yell her name to catch her attention over all the talking.  But when my mouth opened, I spoke the word, “Bobby” instead.  I knew the error, when it happened- as I was dreaming.  As I looked over at everyone they were already staring at me!  At least twenty five people in different areas, stopped all the chatter to recognize my mistake?

Boom!  My eyes open instantly.  Darn it, and darn myself for not staying asleep.  I just kept thinking to myself.  I must go back to sleep and try again, motionless, over and over in my head like counting sheep.  The next thing I heard was the alarm clock. I burst out of bed with more than excitement this time; literally wanting to jump up and down while dancing.  Another lucid moment to tell my husband.  I illustrated seeing all my ex-boyfriends lining up in a row, by order.  My goodness, even my first friend from kindergarten; Pat; was standing there in line!  I recall walking past each one saying “oh, I know why I was attracted to you and you…”  It was similar to figuring out a common denominator, followed by an ‘AH HAH’ moment.   I happened to wake up at that very moment!  That stunning energy inside me was back and stronger!

I could not bring to words such feeling; my actual sensation inside me; for my husband to understand why tears were running down my face.  I am sure everyone can understand an intense feeling of anger creep up your spine, the (out) rage of an angry moment, an intense sensation of swooshing sadness that seems to have its own profound vibration deep in your heart.  Try drawing inside one of those emotions that hold the most value (weight) for just enough time to bring forward that passion.  That feeling you can recall is only a portion.  Try enduring all emotions to the extreme at once!!  The tingling up your spine, intense sensations and vibrating heart are there at the same time.

My experience was so intense, I will share an excerpt from my personal journal the day of, “the reason I’m being more concentrated, which I am noting today, is because of my findings mixed with this super energy I feel stirring inside the exact same place my heart aches.  Today- this morning..?  was the first time that super energy went beyond my heart to make my whole body tremble with a feeling of excitement.  I’m not sad.  I think of the word and vision a place far enough to not affect me today”.   I knew what I was feeling and going through was a physical experience as well.  I searched for some reasoning, anyone that had information.  My mind was churning its gears a thousand miles an hour!  My brain started to fill up with so many ideas, from out of nowhere, as I tried desperately to write them down.

I have learned there are skeptics on the phenomenon of lucid dreaming itself.  They suggest that it is not a state of sleep, but of brief wakefulness.  Obviously, I am not a skeptic or an expert; but will have to agree with them!  I believe the ‘wakefulness’ is the conscious realization of the small opening it created into the subconscious.  A genuine opened space that connects the two parts of the brain.  Again, I believe this opening can and will allow them to function as a whole!

Not much time went by when I found someone in my side research that could help- Gopi Krishna. This gentleman had an interaction with an energy that covers my own association.  His experience seemed to have more of a negative effect, but his descriptions and positive outcomes is what interested me.  I wanted to eject certain information of events that happened to him, for my own knowledge and pursuance.  All I could think about was this energy, and its powerful effect on me.  Forty eight hours, I was visually affected with a constant four dimensional aspect.   I was eventually able to walk up and down stairs, seeing them through all the movement.  But, even till this very day, my vision seems to be different than everyone else’s.  I will bring up a quick example of when my husband and I were driving into town.  As we slowed down to approached the stop light, I could not believe what I saw.  In the left medium was a fire!  I anxiously pointed out; in the gravel was burning shrubbery.  I screamed out, because no one appeared interested.  We stopped the car right in front of the ‘fire’ so my husband could explain.  What I was really looking at, was landscaping lit up for the night.  The illumination between the small branches came more apparent than the actual overall branches and bush. This is my everyday vision.

 

April 2013

I just finished making my bed and was debating whether to go out.  “Another beautiful day in Cedar”, my husband and I always jokingly say.  So, yea… seemed silly to stay inside. I started to open all the windows before struggling with those damn laces on my boots.  As I turned around the TV must of caught my eye because I just stopped.  I was standing in front of the television when it disappeared.  I mean, it was no longer in my vision, and replaced with ME!  I am now looking at the top of my OWN head and able to see the necklace I am wearing.  As I tried to put my arms out, this wide band of light shot out of me! YES, it literally shot– out– of– my chest!!!  My shoulders laid back and I could feel wind going through my hair strong enough to blow it across my face.  I looked down to get a sense of riding this light with the reigns in my hands. Having awareness like I had accomplished something, I instinctively turned to the left to give my Mom a nod.  I was not surprised to see her for some reason.  It made me feel like I was just following along somewhere I’ve been before. But when I looked back around, I was now the light itself.  It was ME and I was the light!  Still filled with joy, I turned my head to the right.  In an instant, a spark of … I don’t know. What is the word far beyond joy, far beyond exhilaration?  How do you describe a heart beating so fast and so loud, it’s all that you are?

There he is, my brother; Bobby!!!!  I DID IT, I MADE IT, I Found my brother, I FOUND Bobby!!!  He is a soft glowing light heading in my direction.  He is moving so fast, there’s a faint trail of a pinkish light etching his sharp path.  As he is getting closer, the light transforms larger in shape.  This glowing, permeating electric form of … just form.  I had the sensation of hugging him so tightly, I swear the warmth of Love is literally succumbing!!  There is nothing but happy to surround me.  My Mom has never left my side; she encouraged my pace to get here.   Just like her favorite poem, ‘Footprints in the Sand’; they were present every step of the way.

Continuing the warm sensation, all three of us locked hands on either side.   Staring ahead, both their beams of light merge with mine as I am prompted to look forward.  I am following this expanded light we have all become, which seems to go on and on. I abide by the dips and swirls, weaving through the millions upon millions of stars and planets.  As quick as I’m going past them, I vow each one looks unique.  I consider the Universes a familiar playground to let yourself go and be a child.  As far as I can grasp, other ‘beams of light’ are everywhere.  My vision goes beyond my position in the universes and I can see the other end of my light.  I fade when I merge with … with… I think… I see GOD!!  Oh my GOD, I really mean the almighty God!!  I am so eager and thrilled.  Seems our light meets and immerges with another Energy so big and so colossal; that all I can see is the corner I enter. I want to go around and get a better look, but the next object I see is my television.  I was standing there for a moment before I could comprehend where I was or what even happened!!

My ‘encounter’ left as sudden as it came.  The heat coming from my face was so intense.  It was my first indication that the immense energy was still with me and something seriously occurred. Instead of just knowing the energy was inside me, I know the energy IS ME!!  I saw my true powerful self and my connection to it ALL!  I could not grip what happened, but what happened?  I would say it was a vision, but more like being a changed creation!  Did I die, have a Near Death Experience and not even know?  Did I have some type of spontaneous Out Of Body Experience?  Did I have some Lucid dream as described in ‘Inception’?

The next day or so did not ease any enthusiasm.  I had no way or desire to stop the blending of new thoughts and visions to align with the pen in my hand.  Flashes of ideas and understanding trickled its way into my mind.  The day after my experience, in my journal; I wrote: “It’s a tunnel because we can’t see outwards… that’s all!  That ‘Light’ at the end of the tunnel, everyone recites, is a brief tip of your own energy attachment trying to separate itself from the physical body, but due to our fear, upbringing and cultural molding, we have yet to see (vision), to look out the window and enjoy the scenery.  It’s a closed wall for you to create the image of a tunnel.”

These happenings and changes inside me were almost implausible.  I doubted them until I found out, it was not just me.  My husband, who has stuck by my side through thick and thin, did not have to just watch and take my word this time.  He too learned and followed his own yearning of knowledge to reach an unbelievable finale.  I will let him explain:

      “Since an early age, I questioned a lot; if not most of what was told, taught and ingrained in me.  Santa Clause and Easter Bunny were just lies told to me by every adult.  Then church was every Sunday for a while and Holiday masses.  Once Dad started getting out of going it wasn’t long before us kids got out of it.  Holiday Masses, then just Christmas, and by the time I was 10 you didn’t want me in Church.  I was 10, so naturally I was disruptive and disrespectful.  I just knew even then that something wasn’t right, not true.  I grew up thinking this way, feeling anger and frustrated.  I’ve always been lied to, and no one even knows the truth.  So, with the attitude and the age; I was an inexperienced preteen with problems.  My authority complex didn’t let me understand how someone else born in to this world could have an authority over me.  You were born into this world in much the same way. 

Long story short, I was raised in a traditional family; older brother, younger sister and me in the middle.  I lived in the suburbs of Washington DC, with a racially tensioned atmosphere from 1971 to mid late 80’s.  I was also incarcerated in the Virginia state department of Correctional Group Home, Detention Centers, even a mental institution. (I can explain that one).  All between the ages of 15-19, not to mention the years of counseling and tests, all in an attempt to figure out what’s wrong with me.  I wasn’t working right.  For one reason or another I just wouldn’t conform, I was crazy.  By 6th grade, I lived a rebellious teenage life.  As a freshman in high school, I was introduced to the Institutional system.  I feel I have had a long life.  My early twenties were various landscaping and construction jobs.  I held mostly manual labor, low paying type jobs.  Never felt comfortable in an office or cubicle setting, it’s reminiscent of being locked up. At 37, I had been an electrician for 12 years and married a childhood sweetheart.  I acquired a house on 5 acres, car, truck, 4wheeler and dirt bike among many material items.  We were living the dream of a typical ‘middle class’ American life.  Doing it.

In 2008, I lost my job and my wife lost hers.  Made it another two years on whatever we could sell, our savings, whatever work I could generate on my own.  Eventually lost the house, moved into my grandparents vacant home; to my wife’s brothers house.  He graciously took us in.  He was a good man, always making sure everyone was taken care of before he would relax, genuinely concerned for well beings.  A tragic accident claimed his life a couple months after moving in.  We moved with my wife’s father. 

I’ve dabbed a little with meditation when I was 14 or 15.  I heard a tape, soft music with a soft narration. It told me to imagine a light starting in my toe, growing and spreading.  The tape went on and covered the whole body.  I  heard of and tried other techniques since then.  Some have helped relax me, forget my anger and frustration of life and stresses; distracting me from finding real answers.  Why the lies?  Whats the truth?  At 42, just over a month short of my Bday, I believe I have the truth.  I will share my journey or path to becoming awake.  Seeing the universe as it is.  How the world works.  I understand now.  The knowledge is there, because it exists, therefore it is.  A little hard to understand maybe.  I get that, I agree. I believe you must experience it, see it.  Then you know it, therefore, accept it.  I don’t want to give any preconceived concept of religion, one God or multiple Gods.  Just keep an open mind or just humor the thought for a little bit. After all, its just a book (RIGHT?)  just the experiences and opinions of Me, the writer of these words. 

I guess we were rock bottom, living in the basement at my Father-in laws.  Me, at this point in my life, have sold or gave away everything I owned.  No faith in humanity.  I believe that when we die, that’s it.  over.  just black void.  No soul or no consciousness.  Despite all this, I try to be righteous. Say what I mean, tell the truth.  A man of my word with low tolerance for bullshit.  Felt mad all the time.  So I thought maybe Id try meditation.  Seemed a little like counting sheep for me, but I could drift off to sleep concentrating in something rather than the mind wandering about nonsense. I try this one technique my wife found on an Out Of Body website.  She has been searching for the same answers in life.  The truth. 

After trying this technique a couple of nights, I DID have a dream.  An ultra real or surreal dream, very short.  Like a photo rather than a video.  When I woke up, I felt a sense of intensity. I brushed it off as, that was weird, but still a dream.  Weeks later, I had another one of those ultra real intense dreams.  I don’t want out give too much detail about these experiences.  Only for the reason that my wife’s experience were slightly different.  So I believe it is a very personal journey.  With that in mind, I will continue… 

The second experience … This seemed to be even more real, or recalling the first dream was adding credence to something else.  The second experience was only what seemed like maybe seconds longer.  When I woke, it felt like I was forced awake.  I actually questioned my wife why she kicked me.  She didn’t, she gently reached over to touch me.  I felt something hit me.  I was trying to figure this out, I noticed I was shivering uncontrollably freezing.   The following days and weeks went on.  Pretty much, day in and day out stuff.  I think a month or so passed by uneventful. 

I had another dream.  This one seemed normal. I recall trying to figure out that if I drove 1300 miles to my friends house and I’m leaving from my friends house for Vegas in the morning.  (which we were) I wouldn’t make it home in time.  At that point I realized I was dreaming, I knew I was in a dream.  I decided to wake up and sat up in bed, I turned to my wife and told her about it.  for the next couple of days I was thinking of this dream a lot.  That moment of being aware in the dream is the moment I woke up.  Then it just came to me.  It was an impression.  Maybe a vision.  I am trying to use words to describe it, so please bare with  me.  Its almost too simple for words.  I’d like to say it just IS.  When I had this it was like Ah Ha, I get it!  I understand.  I wrote this:

The universe is energy, vibrating, humming with flow and direction.  No beginning, no end, no creator, no destructor.  All is energy, so all is connected from within to Earth, to sky, to space, to beyond.  The spark of life that drives the brain and makes the heart beat.  That energy vibrating in a sea of energy, in the universe of energy.  We are but the physical manifestation or produced physical reality of that energy.  We are all particles of the great energy.  We make up the energy, so we must be the energy.  God is the energy.  We are God. 

I believe I have a firm grip on this reality. I understand its evolution, from the beginning to now and where we’re headed.  After this vision, my perception of what I was seeing has changed.  When I close my eyes, sometimes images appear to bounce. I compare it to looking at a red glow of a clock radio’s time while chewing on a pretzel.  With my eyes open, I noticed I was seeing things as they appear, not as I know it to be.  Well, that’s it, simple as that.  Ranting’s of a madman?  It’s very real for my wife and I, two people reached the same place from two different paths.”     

It’s been about three weeks since my experience and I have come to accept my answers for what they are.  Some explanations transpire as I had hoped, but others are quite the shock!  Until I can learn how to control my energy, I’m only able to get pieces.  The pieces will come in a flash or I need to follow the parts, which lead me to the truth.  See, instead of having paranormal phenomena’s; I thought was around me; it’s now the paranormal phenomena’s of my MIND!!   Once I started to give credit to my phenomena’s and trusted my signs and intuition, I was strong enough to put aside my biggest obstacle (fear) and learn the basics of the simple truths!

My Theory, My Vision, My learnt Truth….  Energy is everywhere.  Our consciousness is energy, it already exists.  At the moment of conception, our energy (consciousness) manifests a physical biological form in this existence.  So, our consciousness takes a physical form of this world or reality.  This world is the physical form of stored energy.  Billions upon billions of energized particles tightly packed together.  Stored energy particles. We are connected microscopically, through quantum processing, to the macroscopic level.  At birth, we are pure and free.  When our first memory forms, the brain realizes consciousness.  Best said by Renee Descartes: “I think, therefore, I am.”  Unfortunately, our brain succumbs to its cultural molding of the environment around us.  We go to school, get a job to sustain this life and government, busy ourselves with getting gas, paying bills, etc.  That is how this reality has become.  We have lost the reason why this process happens.  What is our purpose, why we are even born onto this physical plane.  Some have conceded to the point of granting the negative of greed and power to make our world Hell.

Anyone who has questioned themselves how their God could permit such horrible abuse and crime, let me put in plain words.  There is no governance!  Hell IS here, in front of you!!  We are brought forth by birth on our own choosing to learn and experience sensations unavailable on the macroscopic level.  But, because we chose to have the sensation other than Love, through human existence, we have to endure it all.  All the other vibrations in front of eternal Love and Peace are a complete package, described as Hell.  This is part of our evolution, not of our human body; but evolution of our conscious energy spirit. It is such a disgrace this existence has turned in to that.  SHAME on you Vladimir Putin (of Russia), SHAME on you Kim Jong- Un (of North Korea), SHAME on you Joseph Kony (of Africa), SHAME on you Prince Salmon (of Saudi Arabia)… and many, many more!!!!!   You will never grasp the true meaning of life and death to see beyond your own foul greed!

I will not end my words with them. Instead, I choose to bring forward a person who is making an impact, a positive impact to push down those negative.  “In some parts of the world, students are going to school every day. It’s their normal life,” Malala told Diane Sawyer in an exclusive interview for ABC News. “But in other part of the world, we are starving for education … it’s like a precious gift. It’s like a diamond.”  Malala Yousafzai is a Pakistani school pupil and education activist from the town of Mingora in the Swat District of Pakistans northwestern Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province.  The town’s public square was nicknamed “Slaughter Square” because of all the beheadings and corpses.  Women were publicly flogged and education is more than frowned upon!

Malala wrote a blog under a pseudonym for the BBC detailing her life under Taliban rule, their attempts to take control of the valley, and her views on promoting education for girls.  Malala was 11 years old when the Taliban came for her in Swat Valley.  She was riding on her school bus with her friends, when it stopped for a man to get on.  With her face uncovered, the man asked, “Who is Malala?”  He walked up to her, pointed his gun inches from her head and shot her at point blank range!  “I think death didn’t want to kill me. And God was with me,” Malala said. “And the people prayed for me… And now I know that you must not be afraid of death. And you must move forward. You must go forward, because education and peace is very important.” She continued, “at night when I used to sleep, I was thinking all the time that shall I put a knife under my pillow,” Malala told Sawyer. “The time was of fear, but some people can overcome fear and some people can fight fear.”

She has made a full recovery and no longer living in that horrible environment the Taliban created.  Instead of the Taliban killing her off, they ended up making her a martyr! (how ironic)  I support her, I support her efforts and I support education; as we all should remember her name.  As, I, myself have learned truths through education and can say…“knowledge is everything, knowledge is key and knowledge is power!”

 

Chapter 9 Aftermath!

 

I miss my mom and brother tremendously.  My sorrow does not run as deep; to be that emotion governing my actions.  I have learned to control my brain, at the very least, many successful attempts at it.  I know how to exclude emotion when it is not needed.  In trying to find answers to my phenomena’s and our existence after death, the results made a life altering change in me.  I do not want to miss the opportunity that I have been given to become someone new.  I can finally discover who I am!!

Appreciating now, my mom and Bobby still are and by my side; gives me the devotion to continue.  How much more can I learn?  I question myself in Awe; because I taught myself. Can I make a positive adjustment in this physical existence?  Accepting and feeling Bobby and Mom, my DRIVE, my PULL, my ON-GUARD stance and attitude comes from ME!!!  For the first time, I am my own inspiration!! Learning and acquiring knowledge gave me the desire and will to move aside my dark cloud of depression.  I not only conquered any surmounting sadness, my true self showed me my personal power!   I have come to value the perceptible answers of my phenomena’s.

Lets’ talk about Ghosts again.  In applying my experience to what I have learned from science brings me to the same previous interpretation with an added note.  To repeat, ghosts are a true vision!  An apparition may be residual energy left behind by the consciousness that occupied this plane of existence.  A basic example would include a balloon.  If you rub it against your hair vigorously to gain static, it will then stick to a wall because of the residual energy left on it.  Being able to consider this world and reality is nothing but compacted molecules, energy, photons (… etc.), may be challenging to comprehend.  So, all the cultural molding and negative human emotion trickles in.  Let’s say after the age eight; to steer the simple answers farther away.  The difference of time period here in this physical form world is evident from my earlier story.  When I was 10 years old, I saw a person with a see-through image walking down my hallway.  My Dad viewed the exact same image as a green form, floating away. That’s the difference of twenty five years for ya!  It’s up to the persons mind to see this energy on their own level.   Now, dont get me wrong or confused when I mention residual energy.  There are souls that reach out to the physical bodies in this reality.  Im learning there is still a connection between us all – even after death of the human body.  You wont find evidence or the answer in any Religious book.

My paranormal fear episodes can be explained, up to a point.  The horrid face I saw in my childhood, impacted my thoughts into middle age.  I link constant nightmares to the same evil form, ‘out to get me’.  I won’t assert learning was the only factor to instigate the start of accepting and understanding what fear actually is. My husband and I stumbled upon something so miraculous that seeing it for my own eyes, prompted the way I will forever fathom our society.  I mean society, as in the way our government behaves; foreign governments behave and even behind the scene agencies never before acknowledged.  Just identifying something exists can and will alter your perception.  (curiosity does NOT kill the cat!)

I was busy learning about Science and religion and Life and death; then I encountered Charles Hall. He wrote a book about his time in the Air Force and working with Aliens.  I couldn’t look away and found myself intrigued. Yea, this gentleman has novels describing working side by side with Aliens in a government program.  It sounded like a Sci Fi movie, but he gave the exact location to view their ships landing and taking off. My husband and I lived just a couple hours away, so why not?  We packed a couple things and headed West. There we sat; sweating and hiding from the wind.  Id say minutes before total darkness we saw something.  A bright ball hovering over the nearest mountain in our view.  It lasted for a couple seconds and then disappeared. We were so ecstatic!  Every word I spoke came out so fast!

About half an hour went by and we couldn’t take the heat. The view from inside our SUV was great and we had air conditioning. Just as we closed our doors a humongous flash popped up on my right side, over the same mountain. When I turned to look I saw what looked like all white fireworks.  Huge white balls just showing up to quickly descend behind the mountain!  Then – nothing!  The rest of the night was uneventful, but who cares?!  What I saw was awesome and unexplainable.  Its how Charles Hall described and right location. We followed his instructions on when to go and planned our next trip. More organization went into our next visit.  We had cameras, videos, tripods…oh, and binoculars.  All that stuff didn’t matter when we saw our fist light.  Its really hard to aim the camera in focus at night.  One ball of light over the mountain, then 2, then 4, then maybe 10 in all.  They hovered for a short while then started to move. A light would disappear then show up somewhere else, until they all moved at the same time.  Almost like one Enormous object!!  My husband was able to film the entire 5 minutes or so event.  I admit, I was so excited and hyped up that I ran around and jumped up and down.  Then, total shock.  What did I see? We’ve gone many times…..

Over and over in my head, I ask myself things.  What is behind that door?  What will they think of me?  What’s in the dark?  I must think I can predict the future of things to come, and when it does not show; my subconscious produces it in my dreams. Something purely snapped inside me, the night after our sighting. I was having a nightmare of my childhood demon chasing me. No where to turn and its finally cornered me!  Then i hear a whisper in my ear, almost tickling; “You know this isn’t real, don’t you?”  I turn around after instantly becoming Lucid.  I did not see anything, it was in my head. By then I was able to look at my Demon looking wolf and not run or scream.  I just stared at it…. we stared at each other.  I repeated: “you are not real”. and poof, it was gone!  like maybe a small yellow puff cloud, but thats it.  That happened in 2012 and I have never had another nightmare of that demon again.

I grasped the resolution to the wonders of the mind.  My many periods of intense fear, eventually made my brain create (and constantly changed) the form my thought gave it.  The night when I saw that demon-like face on the wall, was when the process started.  I am going to describe this using the word learned called, pareidolia.  That means a psychological marvel involving a vague and random stimulus (often an image or sound) being perceived as significant, a form of apophenia.  Familiar examples include, seeing images of animals or faces in clouds, the man in the moon or hearing hidden messages on records when played in reverse. Once I learned of these new scenarios, they became my first thought when fear arose.  As stated earlier, it took a lot of concentration and focus to change my way of thinking.  To force my brains’ process to change the way I wanted it to work!

                         

 

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So, is it conceivable to also have some sort of evil energy formation?  From what I have learned and seen, I would definitely still answer that a- YES!  You can’t have positive without negative, you can’t have matter without anti-matter and so on. But, what that negative may show itself as, depends on the person and their own mind of visuals.  Or none, for those who can’t even comprehend their being negative in the Universes.  Just blamed on a streak of bad luck, having a bad day, or maybe even coincidence?  Giving negative its due credit, I will not delve into the thought without clarifying what exactly a thought is.  All this research and writing about learning and explaining; have you concluded where I am going with this?  Thought just is not your voice or decision making.  Think about the effect what that decision making causes.  Think about the physical aspect of thought forming around in your head and know it does actually produce energy to leak out of your body!

We distinguish that everything is and made up of energy.  When taken to the quantum level everything can be broken down to its basic energy concentration.  Cells are made of atoms, which are made of molecules, which are made of particles, which are all made of energy.  That pretty much covers everything we have talked about to include us, tables, chairs, rugs, floors, ground, the earth!  Let’s not forget about the universes and the space in between every single planet and star. All is made of energy and like the different stations on a radio or television, there are different frequencies.  Diverse levels of the positives and negatives of energy make the universes as complex as it is, but all made of the same substance.  Our thoughts are made of proven energy also.  Our electrically charged brains and bodies are hosts, to the purest of energy, thought, consciousness, and awareness.  The universes do not exist without it; this is the energy that makeup the universe in the quantum level, that is connected to and by this energy.  So, our thought produced energy is also added into the air and onto the universes.  Each one of us as individuals makeup and constantly contribute to our universes.

How many of you remember the 1980’s movie, ‘The Never ending Story?” I acknowledge it being a child’s theme, but the whole concept was amazing to me back then and now.  Without a child’s imagination to grow their parallel reality, this big cloud of ‘Nothing’ would literally devour it. We must believe that energy is shared and linked to the universes!

Keeping on this same mind frame, compare it to the small quantum scale. It is the same and acts the same microscopically as macroscopically. A positive affirmative thought is stronger or more powerful than a negative thought.  This can be shown through bio feedback machines that detect bodily physical energy and fluctuations when a thought is conceived. Altogether we have learned this in basic physics. We have not broken or strayed from any laws of behavior.  Disobeyed laws such as, gravity, law of attraction and law of force. (soon, law of symmetry?) These principles just are, this is how the physical manifestation of our universe works.  Had the energy manifested something different than our current universe, it may not work in the same way. The regulations govern our universe, you can’t defy these laws.  Once appreciated, you are able to work within these perimeters.  No defying gravity, but you can jump into the air, fly a plane or float in space.  The law of attraction is like two magnets pulling on each other or smiling and laughing to attract others laughter.  Positive attracts positive, negative attracts the negative.  Feeling positive, inspires positive thoughts and vice versa.  A positive thought radiates throughout the universe, because it is connected to and part of and is the universe.

We have the gift of accumulative knowledge, to learn all that has been learned by everyone that has come before us.  We learn the truth, research the facts and know where we have been since.  When we can learn from our mistakes, is when we can move forward!  Contribute to the evolutionary process of our being, not just human being.  We have this reality, our biomechanical living organism with the ability to host our true selves, our consciousness, awareness of self, individual self and the awareness of our existence.

To back track from the start of all my research and desire was the amygdala. So, why should it not be connected all the way to the end?  Remember, it is in charge of delegating memory, decision-making and emotional reactions.   These were, and are the vital influences that guided me on the right trail.  I am not the only person to believe the amygdala is vital to the whole understanding of its’ connection.  Connection to what, you say?  That depends on who you ask.  If you present the question to Richard Davidson, professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin–Madison as well as founder and chair of the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center, he may surprise you.  Richard Davidson considers the amygdala the key factor to our spirituality.  I am assuming, he means our spirituality, as in my learnt vision?  My brief trip to another place, with all the answers, for me to see? I make this speculation based on the small amount he has publicized for me to find. Richard Davidson is close friends with the actual Dahlia Lama, to bring forth its own complications in the science world.  As you and everyone know, there is very little collaboration between science and any religion or spirituality, unless to critique or debunk.  Why is that?

I am very grateful for the connection he afforded my way, to sit in on one of the most spectacular seminars I will always remember.  Richard Davidson was part of a conference from the American Enterprise Institute to include:  Arthur Brooks- President AEI, Jonathon Haidt- New York University, Glenn Hubbard- Columbia University, Daniel S Loeb- Third Point LLC, Diana Chapman Walsh- Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Otto Scharmer- Massachusetts Institute of Technology, and Arthur Zajonc- President Mind and Life Institute.  On February 20, 2014 they discussed how America, how the World, can improve business.  Maybe diminish the gap between poor and rich.  Give everyone a chance.  I highly suggest every person to listen and really give them props for stepping up to the plate and trying to make a difference in this reality!

I wish I could peek into Richard Davidsons’ studies or even flat out ask him questions.  I have tried desperately to go through protocol and reach him.  You see, I am not a professional journalist, not an already publicized author for him to grant an interview.  I am just me, the average person learning and gathering information to better myself to help society. I cross my fingers he can scientifically connect the amygdala with spirituality.  I would love to share with him how the next trail leads to the Pineal Gland of the brain.  They both lay deep in the most middle part of our brain, the smallest and yet most powerful pieces of our physical existence!! Yup, my next quest of research takes me to that Pineal Gland.  I apologize, but if I continue, this would never have been finished… ha ha!

And so, let us read again, how cognitive science describes (theory) to explain what and where consciousness is:  ‘The nervous system is an electromagnetic chemical system, undergoing phase alteration and propagation delay (the time it takes for an Input to register correctly) and resonance with the world.  The period of propagation delay may well be a couple of hundred milliseconds, enough to give us the presence we are always with. The buzz of representation and productions in the brain are us and we represent them phenomenologically and investigate their physiology and their physics.  We are inside this resonance, we live it and we are it!”  What we know is entirely mediated by the sense organs and the brain, what we know of the world is inference.’  Hmmm, see why I chose to expand my own reasoning?  That is it though, each field neglects to expand on their own research to see a bigger picture, a bigger answer!

I will continue learning to magnify my own ‘hypothesis’, as it will be labeled.  Please help me, please stand up and assist our evolution of being!  We are not just a number (social security) to be herded like cattle and told what to do!  Maybe one day Michio Kaku, Richard Davidson, Doctor Hameroff, Neil Degrassi Tyson, or even David Chalmers would humor the chance for me to meet with them!!  Gratify me the possibility to walk behind their shadows and put pieces together.

My advice to all is, ask yourself this question.  What happens or occurs when you put aside all those distractions of work, paying bills and sifting through the stresses of life?  Hint, my personal quote that I want to be remembered! “Knowledge is everything, Knowledge is key and Knowledge is Power!”

I can now understand a number of famous quotes and even certain scriptures.  They have meaning to me now!  Of course, not all scriptures are accurate, but I am here to point out a little something.  Even though religion has its’ inconsistencies and forged information, it still gave me the foundation and grounding needed to visualize the scientific truths.  Those extremely small crumbs of fact embedded inside each one, for me to find, eased the knowledge of our human and spiritual existence.  I would like to share with you some of my picked out citations, quotes and even art work (from my brothers).  I believe they both were given a special evolutionary touch of talent!  Please take your time to gaze through.  Come back to this part of the book anytime to absorb some good stuff… ha ha

 

QUOTES:

That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.
– Albert Einstein

 

Look deep into nature and then you will understand everything better.
– Albert Einstein

 

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.
– Albert Einstein

 

It has appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.
– Albert Einstein

 

Children are all foreigners.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing.  Knowing is not enough; we must apply.  Being willing is not enough; we must do.
– Leonardo Da Vinci

There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way and not starting.
– Buddha

 

Only the progressive sphere of human knowledge must first widen to an extent to make detection of the lacunae existing in the current explanations possible to the intellect.
– Gopi Krishna   (please, please look up the word lacunae)

 

I found that a man can rise from the normal to a higher level of consciousness by a continuous biological process…
– Gopi Krishna

 

I feel utterly lost between the two worlds in which I live … the incomprehensible and infinitely marvelous Universe within and the colossal but familiar world without.
– Gopi Krishna

 

There is a world of creatures … in the smallest part of matter. Every portion of matter can be thought of as a garden full of plants, or as a pond full of fish.  But every branch of the plant, every part of the animal, and every drop of its vital fluids, is another such garden, or another such pond.
– Leibniz, Monadology

 

Strictly speaking, disease or illness can affect only the body; hence, there can be no mental illness.
– Thomas Szasz, The Myth of Mental Illness

 

Man by nature desires to know.
– Aristotle, Metaphysics

 

Let us suppose the mind to be, as we say, white paper, void of all characters, without any ideas.  How comes it to be furnished? … To this I answer in one word, from experience.
– John Locke, an Essay Concerning Human Understanding

 

In the state of nature … the life of man [is] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.
– Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan

 

The philosophers have only interpreted the world; the point is to change it.   – Karl Marx, Theses on Feuerbach

BIBLICAL:

So God created man in his own imagine of God he created him; male and female he created them. – Genesis 1:27

 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control!  Against such things there is no law.
– Galatians 5:22-23

 

A merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.    – Proverb 17:22

 

For everyone who asks receives and the one who speaks finds and to the one who knocks, it will be opened. -Luke 11:10

 

Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.  -Mathew 5:8

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